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At a loss

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:01 AM
  • 4 Replies

This is a place where I can come to and write my thoughts about how Im feeling whenever I choose to do so and right now I think I kind of need to. Lately has been a whirlwind of emotions ranging from sad, to frustration, irritability and sadness. I even feel lost right now. I am not sure how to put everything into words but I will try because I know that for my own sanity, I need to!

Ive tried to be a good mother to both my children but lately I seem to feel as though I can't breathe. I feel at times that I am at a loss for words on how to talk to my daughter. The entire time that she was 16 all I went through and heard was that 'Im leaving here when I turn 17'. So I had to endure the hurt, anger, frustration and being left with the ultimate question as to Why. Why would she want to leave a home where she is nurtured, cared for on every level and even given much more than those around her. I decided then that I couldn't answer that question for her or more importantly myself. I chose to just let it go and let whatever happen, happen. 
She turned 17 and she's still here. I guess she decided that leaving was not her best option because well, she doesn't have a job so therefore she would have no source of income and she has no car so how would she get from point A to point B? Guess living at home wasn't a bad option to go with. I mean we give her all that she needs and some times when earned; what she wants. I am not saying that she wouldn't have a place to go because that's all we heard. 'I have friends', well are they going to cart you around and give you what you need in regards to your care and well being? I think not! Guess the grass really wasn't greener on the other side!
I have provided medical and mental needs to her from early on and now I am at a loss on how to provide that to her when she abuses the meds or just doesn't take them because she chooses at any given time not to. What is a parent to do when their 17 year old child dictates to them on what they are going to do and what they are not going to do? I have found myself asking this question a lot lately. I have yet to come up with an answer for it. I am tired of feeling exhausted and mentally drained and just when we think one door has been closed and we MIGHT be able to gain some closure from it; something new arises. There is never a time to really get past one incident before something else comes into play. 
A week ago tomorrow I came home to find my daughter passed out with her eyes open and no response to my voice, my shaking her or even my screeching screaming. I was panicking and had to dial 911. I have only had to dial that number one other time in my life and that is when I lost my first daughter to SIDS. Everything from that day came rushing back to me in a hurry. I was beginning to think I had lost my daughter to her stupidity of 'huffing'. I am not real familiar with huffing but I can tell you that I have certainly educated myself on the fad of teens now. I was 5 minutes away from losing her when she came to. The paramedics arrived and checked her vitals and oxygen and she checked out. She now wears a reminder of that day that to me she seems so proud of. She has a burned hand from where she held the can of dust remover aka can of air. She has burns on her chest and yet she took it to Facebook and posted the picture of her hand. That made me very upset but yet there's nothing I can do. Sure I can suspend her Facebook account you might be thinking however, she will go behind our backs and make a new one and then I have no way into her world that she allows us in to some degree. I can't do it.
She went on Twitter and posted there about the ordeal and even went as far as talking to friends about what she had done. We have yet been given a formal apology of any kind. Does she have any remorse? Does she even care that she almost died? I can't say but what I can say is that every night when I go to bed and I close my eyes that is the image I see and it's frightening and traumatizing. I can't for the life of me explain how I feel about all of it. She has created a monster that I can not escape from and it scares to me to think that I need to prepare myself for the worse. There will be a next time because there always is. There never seems to be an end to any of this and it has really left me with having no respect towards her and has created resentment towards her. I hate to say those things about someone I love with all of my being but she has created this and I don't know how to get past it. 
I tried obtaining a mental warrant for her but was told that she would have to consent to treatment. What the hell is that? She is still a child, living in my home that we pay for and yet she gets to decide as to whether or not she needs treatment? Bullshit! Talk about angry, you bet I am! 
They tell me that I can't kick her out because she is 17 and yet she can leave and come and go as she pleases but I have to leave my door unlocked to her until she reaches the age of 18! What is this a non pay hotel? Bullshit again. Where are our rights as a parent? What can we do? I have had her in several treatment facilities where she stayed there and we had to pay for it and yet nothing seems to work. We have taken her to many drs, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists and yet still nothing works. I have had her on different meds and now she doesn't believe she needs them. Who is she to say? She pisses me off with her rudeness towards myself and my husband and everyone else. She has no respect for herself or others and it truly irritates the hell out of me. I don't know what else to do or where to turn. 
I have people who tell me to turn it over to God, I've been asking for that kind of help and yet I never receive it. I am just so angry and upset and bitter towards this entire situation that I can no longer find it within me to keep giving and giving. There's a saying that says, 'You can't give up on someone who has already given up on themselves' I believe in those words right there. I feel as though she has given up on herself a long time ago and yet I still try to pick up the pieces and keep dusting her off and trying to get her the help in which she needs. But what do you do when you send someone to counseling or to the dr and they lie about everything? I don't have the answers to that but what I do know is this; if she doesn't change her ways she will be dead before the age of 19 or 20 if not sooner. One time might be to late and there will be no bringing her back or etc. 
I am at a loss here and have no idea what to do any longer. I don't want to give up on her because that's the mother instinct in me but as a person; yeah I think I am getting there if I haven't already! Time is of the essence for this child and I am not sure how much time is on her side if she doesn't make a change!
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:01 AM
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by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:17 AM

Have you tried therapy? For and/or you? My ss has a mood disorder. I have been fighting this damn disorder for years. He is now almost 17. He is disrespectful, failing school, refuses to work, wont get his drivers license and is just a jerk. He lives with us full time. When he decided to go off on his disabled brother saying hateful things I flat out said, you get help or you get out. It seemed to stop him dead in his tracks. His dad found him a therapist. Huffing is serious and she needs help.

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:21 AM

Not only have we gotten therapy for her but we have also done family therapy. I have had her in many places for treatment beginning at the age of 13. The problem with this is in order for it to be a success and help is that you must be truthful to your therapist/Dr and that is where the problem lies. When you have a child at the age of 11 tell her psychiatrist that her father (biological) gave her a pipe with "meth" in it and told her to smoke it, is a lie. She has been diagnosed as Bipolar, Aspergers, Histrionic Disorder, Socio Path tendencies (they can't place that label upon her because she is not 18) she is also ADHD and well the last one doesn't surprise me when a dr diagnoses that. It's not uncommon today! 

So yes, to answer your question we have tried EVERYTHING. I have had her in places with the last one being a forensics center for 7 months in house stay. I don't care about the cost of these places, meds, or anything else. What I care about is HER! 

Thank you so much for your reply. Im just at my wits end!

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:34 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My son is a good kid (well young adult now, almost 21).  He was LAZY!!! I had to fight with him to get him through HS, but I did it and he graudated.  He was supposed to go into the Marines and that didn't pan out because of his laziness.  He was half assed at trying to find a job, didn't want to do anything for himself so finally at 20, things came to a head and I kicked him out.  He has been out for almost a year...first surfing friends couches and then in Florida with his father's side of the fam. I felt real guilt over it, but you know what, he is now an adult and he made his choices by not doing what he was supposed to do.  I let my resentment and guilt go.  He wants to come back but my SO is not having it and neither am I.  There are no jobs in Florida and I agree he should come back to NY, but he needs to find a place to crash until he can get on his feet.  I have been though to much with him and won't go through it again.  I will help him out financially if he comes back here and stays with a friend or other family and gets his life on track.  This I told him and we are on a lot better terms now than when he lived with me.  This is due to laziness plain and simple.  

Your situation with your kid seems worse than mine.  She needs help and if someone told me I couldn't get help for my kid, I'd be raising cain, hell and all sorts or shit to get him/her the help he needs!!!!

I hope this resolves itself sooner rather than later.  Kids these days really have no sense of responsibility and its maddening!!!!         

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:41 AM

I am glad you found resolve with your guilt etc with your son. Things will turn around for him I know. 

You are right, she does need help and I have an appointment with another judge on Thursday where I will be taking her records and her latest psychological report with me. I will force them to do something or give me the help or lead me in the direction in which I need to go. 

I will say that I have looked into emancipation with my attorney to save our own asses but I don't have the heart to not be her mom legally. I know in some ways it will protect me and I was given this advice by a policeman! I have just been at a loss and this latest incident has really drawn a line in the sand. My son moved out and moved in with his dad and step mom because he just can't take anymore and I don't blame him. I want to sheild him from the hurt and anger that ensues within and around her. She has hit me more than once and Ive been told that if I want to protect myself to just walk away. Really? Im supposed to let this child hit on me and not do anything back? It's really messed up and I am just at my wits end with her it's unreal! 

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