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Mother moved in w/ us...help! :(

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OK ladies, I *really* need some help here! Responses appreciated! This is a little lengthy, sorry :-/

So I'm 23, married, have a 2 yr old dd, and am 13 wks pregnant. I'm a SAHM and we moved over 1,000 miles away from our home state because my husbands job allowed us to live anywhere and we chose to leave!

My 46 year old Mother basically invited herself to move cross country and come live with us. I didn't really think she'd come because she never does what she says, but then she shows up here...with a u haul. Since the day she got here it has been nothing but misery for me. Snide remarks, complaining, talking badly over and over and over. I'm a push-over, I'll admit it, so I usually grit my teeth and keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I'll say something and she'll get mad and say something hurtful and/or storm off to her "room". She's here with no job and no leads on jobs, she only knows us here. I have NO idea why she came up here, have NO idea how long she's planning on living with us, and NO idea what her plan is. It's not like I can just kick her out...she has no money to her name and home is 1,000 miles away. So what can I do? I am losing my freak in mind! She's making me and my Husband agitated and unhappy. What would you do??? Here are some examples of the crap that happens:

She gets here and there's dirty dishes in the sink and the house isn't vacuumed (I was up ALL night for black Friday) so yes, the house was a little dirty, nothing abnormal for anyone. She breaks into tears screaming how "filthy" it is and says "I bet CPS would have something to say about it." Umm, no they would probably laugh in your face.

My Husband works A LOT and our dd called me "mommy" and my DH says "you should say daddy more" and my mom butts in with "why would she ever say daddy when you spend no time with her?" And then she makes comments to him such as "I'd think you'd want to spend time with your family!" Hello lady?!?!? This is the man that's basically taking care of you now.

She calls me stupid when I gave my dd whipped cream on Christmas and then threatened to throw my cheesecake in the trash. Same night I get yelled at by her that I'm a bad mother, I'm cold, and basically an idiot for not parenting exactly as she says...which by the way wasn't that great.

She has re arranged my entire kitchen because it "wasn't good enough"! I had to spend 10 min trying to find my coffee can! Also re arranged my dd's room.

Ever since she gotten here my dd screams sometimes in her room after I put her down for bed. My mom rushes in there within seconds. I have asked and even yelled at her not to do this. I then get told I'm a bad mother and she goes in anyway. I told her she only started doing this once she moved in, but she doesn't believe me. She does not respect anything about our parenting. My dd now whines, screams all the time where as just 2 months ago she rarely did this.

She has tried snatching dd out of my arms when she was upset.

When I try to comfort dd when she gets hurt I get told to hug her even though I'm already doing it. It is then "not a good enough hug" and she tells dd to come to her.

She stands behind me and supervises me constantly. She stands there when I get dd dressed, when I cook...anything. Sometimes she'll butt in *while* I'm dressing her, take the clothes and start doing it herself.

She tells dd almost every other day that "mommy and daddy don't love you."

She makes comments to dd so that I can hear them like "You shouldn't walk around without socks. The carpets filthy (Its BROWN carpet and I just freak in shampooed it.) There's probably cat shit on it!!" What the...WE DONT EVEN OWN A CAT!!!!!!!

She is always walking into DH and It's room, even when the door is shut.

She re cleans things I've already cleaned then complains that she has to clean everything.

Our lease is up in august 2013 and she has said things to me like "well maybe we can find a better house when your lease is up." WE?!?! Noooo.

I have no siblings and before she moved in with us she lived with my 70 year old grandma in her one bedroom off and on for the last like 8 years! So it's not like I can "pawn her off" on someone else. She's making us crazy. I'm afraid one day my Husband will just snap at her and afraid I'll do the same. There's no talking to this woman...she gets so offensive and pouts and makes everyone miserable. When she's not bitching or trying to take over as mom she slumps on the couch all day watching TV...I know she's not even looking for a job. I'm stressed and panicked. Ladies I need help! Please! Advice? Opinions? Similar situations/outcomes? Anything! Thank you!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:27 PM
Replies (41-50):
Lauren491
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:08 PM
Wow ladies, THANK YOU ALL for all the responses! I have no friends to talk to so it just felt good getting it out also, and I *really* appreciate the opinions. I don't feel like I'm being irrational wanting her to leave now after reading everything. Fortunately for my DH he is gone for work 2 weeks a month so he gets to get away from it all...otherwise I don't think he would have made it this far. My mother and Grandmother are the only family I have though so it is hard for me to "cut her out" I guess. No father, brothers, sisters, cousins...nothin. My mom has helped DH and I out a lot over the last 5 years, and she is a tolerable person in small doses, and I guess we both felt like we owed her so couldn't say no to the idea of her moving. Also, I know my Grandma has put up with it all for the last 8 years, and I love my Grandma, so I was thinking maybe I would be doing her a favor too. My grandma calls me to ask how things are going between my mom and I, but I don't have the heart to tell her don't want her to feel responsible. I'm not sure if I have the heart to send her to a homeless shelter, but I think the ideas of setting rules is a great idea. I guess I just never thought I would have to do that to my own mother. I mean, shouldn't an almost 50 year old know better? I know that if I do that she will freak out and I guess I'm just dreading that.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LntLckrsCmQut
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:22 PM
1 mom liked this

I will never understand why so many people let their family walk all over them, use them and disrespect them, just because they are family. Grow a back bone and tell your mother to respect you in your house, get a job or get out. By doing nothing, you are allowing her to treat you and your husband like shit and she will continue as long as you continue to bow down to her.

Eshadowgirl
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:29 PM

 Either stomp down some ground rules, or tell her its time to go.  Shes only 46, and can fend for herself.  Sounds like shes leeching off of you and DH, and wants to rule the roost.  You need to get firm, and step up.....

Time to change the locks and get her out. I know shes your mom...but shes crossing so many boundaries.  If you dont, you'll end up divorced with her and DD living with ya..and NO life.

SupermarketMama
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:15 PM
How creepy...she enters your room without knocking...and how do you even have sex with your MOTHER under the same roof. You'd have to be extra quiet instead of just letting loose being loud ...she needs to GO! My mother visited for a few days this week and I wanted to take a fork and pluck both of her eyeballs out....she's tolerable in extremely small doses only.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
RoseWall
by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:35 PM

i have no clue. i am such a cold  hearted person. i would not have any nice or helpful advice. so i will just suggest at least sitting down with her and find some way to get things back on track. sending some prayers and positive energy  your way.


pipers_mom
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:46 PM
TBH I'd drop her ass off at the local homeless shelter!
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QueenBee107
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:39 PM

This below is reason alone to kick your mother out. you need to find your back bone somehow and tell your mother she needs be leave. give her 2 months but stick to it. if you continue to let her live with you with all she is doing she will turn your daughter on you and there is a good chance you husband will get fed up with her and leave. both are things you don't want to happen. tell she she isn't welcome to stay with you anymore. your mom is an adult. its on her to find a place to live. think of it like this. if you don't kick her out you are choosing your mother over your kids and husband because when you get down to that is what it will be. I really don't think you want that.

So with your husband by your side tell her together she has to be out of your house in 60 days and stick to it. If she isn't out by then change the locks(or get them changed) and remove her stuff from your house. be warned though. family may see you as mean, your mom is probably going to tell lies about you both and the next 60 days are going to be more of a living hell but you have to do this because your daughter, unborn baby and husband are worth it.   

I understand somewhat what it is like to have your mother live with you. mine has been living with us for almost 4 yrs and honestly I wish I never let her move it with us. There are many reasons I don't want to get into right now but I will say if my mother ever pulled the shit your mom is pulling her ass be out the door really fast. Good luck

Quoting Lauren491:






She tells dd almost every other day that "mommy and daddy don't love you."

Marimaru
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:41 PM
2 moms liked this

I honestly don't think you are going to get anywhere setting rules for this woman.  She is in your house because she KNEW that if she showed up you would let her in and she KNOWS that you won't kick her out no matter what, so she can behave however she wants.

I honestly think you should just tell her "I've had enough, you have 2 weeks to be somewhere else.  If you haven't found a place, I will put your things on the lawn for you to deal with."  

If she was going to follow rules, she would already be following what you've asked about in regards to your daughter, which she has plainly shown you she doesn't care about.  Adding more rules is just going to irritate you more, because she'll just have more rules to break.  As for your Grandmother, I'll just say that this is the woman that she raised.  

I can't imagine if anyone moved into my house and treated me like that, especially my mother.

Quoting Lauren491:

Wow ladies, THANK YOU ALL for all the responses! I have no friends to talk to so it just felt good getting it out also, and I *really* appreciate the opinions. I don't feel like I'm being irrational wanting her to leave now after reading everything. Fortunately for my DH he is gone for work 2 weeks a month so he gets to get away from it all...otherwise I don't think he would have made it this far. My mother and Grandmother are the only family I have though so it is hard for me to "cut her out" I guess. No father, brothers, sisters, cousins...nothin. My mom has helped DH and I out a lot over the last 5 years, and she is a tolerable person in small doses, and I guess we both felt like we owed her so couldn't say no to the idea of her moving. Also, I know my Grandma has put up with it all for the last 8 years, and I love my Grandma, so I was thinking maybe I would be doing her a favor too. My grandma calls me to ask how things are going between my mom and I, but I don't have the heart to tell her don't want her to feel responsible. I'm not sure if I have the heart to send her to a homeless shelter, but I think the ideas of setting rules is a great idea. I guess I just never thought I would have to do that to my own mother. I mean, shouldn't an almost 50 year old know better? I know that if I do that she will freak out and I guess I'm just dreading that.


Mommy7497
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 12:38 AM

My mom broke up my first marriage acted like your mom is, don't let her do that to you. Sit her down lay down the law and tell her that if she doesn't stop what she's doing she's going to have to leave ASAP because your family (daughter and Husband) come first. 

Rhonda142
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 12:50 AM

Remember that is your house you pay the bills you need to put your foot down and fast she is running over you like a freight train.  Her behaviour is not acceptable and tell her what you just told us tell her that if she cannot agree then she needs to step up her job hunting and start looking for a place to live.  I would not let my mother do that in my house.  

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