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I can't be in this marriage anymore :( update...

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Please bare with me. We have been married 6 years, we have two kids and I'm 33w pregnant with number 3. Over the past two years my husband has changed, a few years ago he just up and left for no reason and I didn't hear from him until he came home 6 days later, he had been at his mothers. Bottom line I now have extreme anxiety if I don't hear back from him. He does whatever he wants, I don't remember the last time we had a real conversation. This baby I'm pregnant with he didn't want me to keep, I feel like he resents me for keeping him. Tonight he's out for New Years, no idea where, wont return messages or phone calls and I am in tears. This isn't the full story but I hate feeling like this, I feel like he just doesn't care, the only time we interact is during sex. I feel alone and I'm scared of what ill become if I leave him, I'm unhappy now but I'm afraid of becoming depressed and anxious if I leave. He probably wouldn't even care. I always pretend to be in a happy marriage but here it is, this is how it really is. I just needed to get this out. Thank you to anyone who read this

UPDATE
So I packed up and left with the kids yesterday and went to my parents. They have helped out with the kids while I have some time to sort things out in my mind. I finally lost it and told dh exactly how it is. We're are seeing each other Sunday to talk, I will tell him everything, how I feel, everything. I will finally stand up for myself. Ill also ask him what he wants and get to the bottom of that finally and go from there. But I think this will be it, after I see him Sunday I don't think there will be any going back
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by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 6:47 AM
Replies (41-50):
WarriorMum
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 7:33 PM

The highlight part is known as the 'hook of love' in domestic abuse cases. They reel you back in with promises that life will be better, then the cycle begins all over again. As rhope4 said below, you get to a stage where you doubt your own mind. In time you loose trust in others other than you husband, it is all part of the process of abuse.
When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see a strong,beautiful, capable woman in front of you? if yes, you are on the road to fulfilling your potential. If you see a worn out, down trodden husk of a woman, you are on your way to loosing your identity. Which would you rather be?

Quoting lovelove211:

Thank you for posting this for me. I feel better knowing its not all my fault or all in my head


Quoting rhope4:

I have never understood how the minds of abusers work, but what I DO know is that my abusive ex used to pull this same crap all the time. I used to think I was losing my mind! Then my current husband, a longtime friend, came along, and when he took me and the kids to the shelter, ex suddenly wanted to work on the marriage. But I had been in it nearly 14 years and had had enough. Yes, please do look up signs of abuse, ALL kinds of abuse. I was shocked when I did that bc he had me convinced all marriages were this way. They are not. I am married to that longtime friend now, and I have never been happier.



Quoting lovelove211:

Really? So he does this because he cares actually no likes no know I care and likes feeling like he can control me? Ill have to look up about emotional abuse






Quoting rhope4:

My ex used to do that too and wondered why I would not believe him when he said everything is all right. This is a form of emotional abuse. He is keeping you chained to him, and it would not surprise me if he suddenly wanted to work things out when you finally get your fill and leave. Sending hugs.







Quoting lovelove211:

That's the thing. He does this stuff then acts like everything is fine and somehow makes me believe the drama is all in my head an I fall for him being affectionate










Quoting kaylasmom22:

Usually when dh and I don't get along or are having issues the last thing on my mind is sex. I don't get how women sleep with their dh if there dh's are such assholes. Jmo




ShortMommytobe
by Bronze Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 7:46 PM
Honey you will be okay if you leave him... Your heart will heal, but you dont deserve that...
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SweetlilM
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 8:08 PM
1 mom liked this
The first step is the hardest! Once you take it you will be amazed at the strong, independent woman you become!
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kansasmom1978
by Katie on Dec. 31, 2012 at 8:53 PM

I will pray for you. I hope that you are able to make a decision that is best for YOU and your children. If your stressed and anxious your kids can sense it. I would tell him to get the fuck out.

Kmakksmom
by Stefanie on Dec. 31, 2012 at 10:08 PM

I totally understand where you are right now.  What he's doing to you is emotional abuse at the very least.  There is more than likely sexual abuse in there somewhere too.  Get out while you can before things get even worse.  There are resources available to help women in your situation.  You can do it.  You sound like a strong woman.  Good luck and if you can please keep us updated. :)

lovelove211
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:29 PM
Thank you. You will most likely be hearing from me. I don't even know where to start. He didn't come home last night so I'm about to pack up the kids and go to my moms


Quoting rhope4:

Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. I am not an expert, but I will give advice based on my own experiences. No, you are not alone or losing yoir mind, lol.



Quoting lovelove211:

Thank you for posting this for me. I feel better knowing its not all my fault or all in my head






Quoting rhope4:

I have never understood how the minds of abusers work, but what I DO know is that my abusive ex used to pull this same crap all the time. I used to think I was losing my mind! Then my current husband, a longtime friend, came along, and when he took me and the kids to the shelter, ex suddenly wanted to work on the marriage. But I had been in it nearly 14 years and had had enough. Yes, please do look up signs of abuse, ALL kinds of abuse. I was shocked when I did that bc he had me convinced all marriages were this way. They are not. I am married to that longtime friend now, and I have never been happier.







Quoting lovelove211:

Really? So he does this because he cares actually no likes no know I care and likes feeling like he can control me? Ill have to look up about emotional abuse










Quoting rhope4:

My ex used to do that too and wondered why I would not believe him when he said everything is all right. This is a form of emotional abuse. He is keeping you chained to him, and it would not surprise me if he suddenly wanted to work things out when you finally get your fill and leave. Sending hugs.











Quoting lovelove211:

That's the thing. He does this stuff then acts like everything is fine and somehow makes me believe the drama is all in my head an I fall for him being affectionate














Quoting kaylasmom22:

Usually when dh and I don't get along or are having issues the last thing on my mind is sex. I don't get how women sleep with their dh if there dh's are such assholes. Jmo




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lovelove211
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:30 PM
That's a very good perspective to put it in. Thank you. I hope everything is okay with you


Quoting shamroc374:

This is advice I had to give myself today!!

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lovelove211
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:31 PM
How did you feel right after leaving? And how long until you started feeling good again?


Quoting Alrescha:

My divorce was final last month. After 22 years of marriage and almost all of that I was convinced there was something wrong with me. It has been hard. Extremely hard! And ill be trying to get back on my feet for a while yet.



Leaving him last February was the absolute best thing I've ever done.




Quoting lovelove211:

Thank you. In a way I'm relieved hearing people say this. He makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem not him and I over react. It's nice to know I'm not over reacting






Quoting Alrescha:

Get out now. It's hard but necessary.


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ilovemyson2002
by mom of 2 boys on Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:32 PM

 most not all but some guys are like this they make u feel that u candt handle by yr self with kids

Quoting lovelove211:

Thank you. In a way I'm relieved hearing people say this. He makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem not him and I over react. It's nice to know I'm not over reacting


Quoting Alrescha:

Get out now. It's hard but necessary.

 

lovelove211
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:33 PM
I don't feel very confident within myself anymore. I feel like ill be alone forever because I'm just not good enough. I used to be strong and confident and he's warn me down


Quoting WarriorMum:

The highlight part is known as the 'hook of love' in domestic abuse cases. They reel you back in with promises that life will be better, then the cycle begins all over again. As rhope4 said below, you get to a stage where you doubt your own mind. In time you loose trust in others other than you husband, it is all part of the process of abuse.
When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see a strong,beautiful, capable woman in front of you? if yes, you are on the road to fulfilling your potential. If you see a worn out, down trodden husk of a woman, you are on your way to loosing your identity. Which would you rather be?


Quoting lovelove211:

Thank you for posting this for me. I feel better knowing its not all my fault or all in my head





Quoting rhope4:

I have never understood how the minds of abusers work, but what I DO know is that my abusive ex used to pull this same crap all the time. I used to think I was losing my mind! Then my current husband, a longtime friend, came along, and when he took me and the kids to the shelter, ex suddenly wanted to work on the marriage. But I had been in it nearly 14 years and had had enough. Yes, please do look up signs of abuse, ALL kinds of abuse. I was shocked when I did that bc he had me convinced all marriages were this way. They are not. I am married to that longtime friend now, and I have never been happier.





Quoting lovelove211:

Really? So he does this because he cares actually no likes no know I care and likes feeling like he can control me? Ill have to look up about emotional abuse









Quoting rhope4:

My ex used to do that too and wondered why I would not believe him when he said everything is all right. This is a form of emotional abuse. He is keeping you chained to him, and it would not surprise me if he suddenly wanted to work things out when you finally get your fill and leave. Sending hugs.









Quoting lovelove211:

That's the thing. He does this stuff then acts like everything is fine and somehow makes me believe the drama is all in my head an I fall for him being affectionate













Quoting kaylasmom22:

Usually when dh and I don't get along or are having issues the last thing on my mind is sex. I don't get how women sleep with their dh if there dh's are such assholes. Jmo








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