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Feeling out of place as a new step mom

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 1:34 PM
  • 24 Replies

Hi. I am new to this site. This is my first post. I just wanted to say hi. I will be a new stepmom in March, to a four year old. Her dad and I have been dating two years. I met his daughter after about six months of dating him. We got engaged about a year after that, and I have been living with him and his daughter (he has her 50% of the time) for about six months now.

I have to tell you, i am finding it very challenging. I have feelings I feel ashamed to express because I sound like a horrible person. Like, feelings of jealousy or envy, sometimes even resentment, towards his daugher. I never, ever, ever let any of those feelings come out. But, they are confusing to have. How can someone be jealous of a four year old?

I knew I would come second going into this relationship. And, how much time and devotion he gives to his daughter are reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. But, it can be overwhelming sometimes. I often feel like an outsider or that I do not belong. It is hard coming into this family, when they have such an established bond.

We are getting married in March. And, I think these feelings are harder to deal with than normal because of the wedding. I felt like that night would be the one night I would be first. I know how horrible that sounds. I feel horrible even saying it. But, every girl dreams of that day. And, I just want that once night. But, the wedding is already turning into the daugheter's show. And it is just hard.

How do you deal with these feelings in a productive way?

Have any of you dealt with this, and if so...can you give me advice?

MsMarch

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 1:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JustMe0326
by Platinum Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 1:41 PM
Hello :)
First off, thank you for being a new member that actually has common sense. At least you see this as being a problem and you want to do something about it. And you've already stopped a lot of women on here from saying "you knew this when you agreed to marry him. Blah blah." :)
2nd, I was totally with you in understanding everything til I read that your wedding turned into his dd's show?? What's up with that?? How is that?? That's not right!
3rd, I'm also a step mom so I understand a lot of your feelings. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk :)
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wildlilacs
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 1:46 PM
Its been 2 yrs and you still feel jelous? Maybe you need to talk to df and tell him how at times you ferl left out, you understand his devotion to her but you need more inclusion. Wedding turning into her day may be because he wants to reassure his dd she is still important to him. He just may be totally clueless of his exclusion of you.
Both of you should get in touch w step parent support group to help you blend together as one.
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NDADanceMom
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:05 PM

I personally wouldnt marry a man with kids if I was single.  I expect to come first in my mates life.  Kids move out and move on.  I think the healthiest relationships put each other first.  I dont envy your position.  You should be the queen of the house and I have no advice for you other than I would not do it. 

MsMarch
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:07 PM

Thanks for your replies. I have no friends that are stepmoms. So, it is hard to even talk to them, even my closest ones, because I know the feelings do not translate.

I have had those little pangs of jealousy since I moved in about six months ago. Its little things like how he talks to her everynight on the phone when he does not have her. So, we have been out at romantic dinners or whatever, and he will have to leave to talk to her. I dont get why they need to talk every day. But, ok. I can deal with it. And, other little things like him always choosing her needs before mine. Which, again, I understand. She is four and he is her dad. So, when she wants to come in our bedroom at 6 in the morning and watch cartoons, and i get woke up and have to leave the room so she can be in there, fine. Or always picking where she wants to eat, or what she wants to watch, or listen to, or any number of things. Or him being more affectionate with her, or doing those little things for her I wish he would do for me. Again, I do feel resentment sometimes, but I know none of it is her fault. And I know he is just being a good dad. And, I know that she SHOULD come first. I totally get that, and understand it, and even think it is the right thing to do. But, even though I know all that, I do get those envious or jealous feelings every so often. Which, I just try to deal with on my own. I figure over time they will subside, but thought some of you on here might have had similar situations and therefore have advice. I know no one in my situation.

But, when it translated to our wedding, I just had to talk to someone about it. She has as big a role as I do. She is a flowergirl, so she is walking up the isle. She is in our sand ceremony. We are saying vows to her after ours are said. And, she is getting a gift when we exchange rings. So, it is almost as much her show as mine. And, again, it was hard. But I tried to deal with it. Then, he says he wants a spotlight dance with her. That is the ONLY thing I had to myself...the only spotlight dance. So, irrational as it  may seem, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention at the same time he said he would like to invite his ex (whom none of us are friends with), so his daughter could see her mom in the crowd on "her big day." That is jsut too much. When do you say something, and how, without sounding like a totaly jerk?

I know he feels very guilty about the seperation with his daughters mom. So, sometimes I think he overcompensates for that. And, the wedding might be one of those things. But, again, I dont even know how to discuss it without sounding like a horrible person. Believe me, I beat myself up over how I feel more than anyone else ever could.

Feedback?

Mommy4-27-08
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:09 PM
Hello and welcome,

I am not a step mom now but I have been where you are. When me and him were alone, it was fine but as soon as his daughter was around it almost felt like a competition for his attention. I felt like I was in a game I didn't choose to play and I think a lot of that was him. I think he put us in that game without realizing it. And when we talked about it he recognized that he did leave one of us out a lot making us feel like we had to compete. He didn't know how to mix his two worlds together, the him as my boyfriend and the him as a dad. Maybe he is dealing with that too? I know I did it when me and my kids step dad got together because it was hard having my worlds collide like that. I was a mom with my kids and still a normal-ish girl with him until we all moved in together.
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schatzi869
by Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:13 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds to me like you aren't ready to be a stepmom. Maybe you should postpone the wedding indefinitely.


Quoting MsMarch:

Thanks for your replies. I have no friends that are stepmoms. So, it is hard to even talk to them, even my closest ones, because I know the feelings do not translate.


I have had those little pangs of jealousy since I moved in about six months ago. Its little things like how he talks to her everynight on the phone when he does not have her. So, we have been out at romantic dinners or whatever, and he will have to leave to talk to her. I dont get why they need to talk every day. But, ok. I can deal with it. And, other little things like him always choosing her needs before mine. Which, again, I understand. She is four and he is her dad. So, when she wants to come in our bedroom at 6 in the morning and watch cartoons, and i get woke up and have to leave the room so she can be in there, fine. Or always picking where she wants to eat, or what she wants to watch, or listen to, or any number of things. Or him being more affectionate with her, or doing those little things for her I wish he would do for me. Again, I do feel resentment sometimes, but I know none of it is her fault. And I know he is just being a good dad. And, I know that she SHOULD come first. I totally get that, and understand it, and even think it is the right thing to do. But, even though I know all that, I do get those envious or jealous feelings every so often. Which, I just try to deal with on my own. I figure over time they will subside, but thought some of you on here might have had similar situations and therefore have advice. I know no one in my situation.


But, when it translated to our wedding, I just had to talk to someone about it. She has as big a role as I do. She is a flowergirl, so she is walking up the isle. She is in our sand ceremony. We are saying vows to her after ours are said. And, she is getting a gift when we exchange rings. So, it is almost as much her show as mine. And, again, it was hard. But I tried to deal with it. Then, he says he wants a spotlight dance with her. That is the ONLY thing I had to myself...the only spotlight dance. So, irrational as it  may seem, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention at the same time he said he would like to invite his ex (whom none of us are friends with), so his daughter could see her mom in the crowd on "her big day." That is jsut too much. When do you say something, and how, without sounding like a totaly jerk?


I know he feels very guilty about the seperation with his daughters mom. So, sometimes I think he overcompensates for that. And, the wedding might be one of those things. But, again, I dont even know how to discuss it without sounding like a horrible person. Believe me, I beat myself up over how I feel more than anyone else ever could.


Feedback?


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Mommy4-27-08
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Okay, no. Feeling guilty about splitting with her mom is one thing, inviting her to your wedding is a whole other. And honestly, who would want to go to their ex's wedding in this situation? I would tell him that your simply not comfortable with it and that you understand he wants the little girl to feel special, but it is also your day and you don't want her "big day" to overshadow yours.

Honestly, I would talk about it and let him know that you get he wants to include her but you also want ti be included in your own wedding day.


Quoting MsMarch:

Thanks for your replies. I have no friends that are stepmoms. So, it is hard to even talk to them, even my closest ones, because I know the feelings do not translate.


I have had those little pangs of jealousy since I moved in about six months ago. Its little things like how he talks to her everynight on the phone when he does not have her. So, we have been out at romantic dinners or whatever, and he will have to leave to talk to her. I dont get why they need to talk every day. But, ok. I can deal with it. And, other little things like him always choosing her needs before mine. Which, again, I understand. She is four and he is her dad. So, when she wants to come in our bedroom at 6 in the morning and watch cartoons, and i get woke up and have to leave the room so she can be in there, fine. Or always picking where she wants to eat, or what she wants to watch, or listen to, or any number of things. Or him being more affectionate with her, or doing those little things for her I wish he would do for me. Again, I do feel resentment sometimes, but I know none of it is her fault. And I know he is just being a good dad. And, I know that she SHOULD come first. I totally get that, and understand it, and even think it is the right thing to do. But, even though I know all that, I do get those envious or jealous feelings every so often. Which, I just try to deal with on my own. I figure over time they will subside, but thought some of you on here might have had similar situations and therefore have advice. I know no one in my situation.


But, when it translated to our wedding, I just had to talk to someone about it. She has as big a role as I do. She is a flowergirl, so she is walking up the isle. She is in our sand ceremony. We are saying vows to her after ours are said. And, she is getting a gift when we exchange rings. So, it is almost as much her show as mine. And, again, it was hard. But I tried to deal with it. Then, he says he wants a spotlight dance with her. That is the ONLY thing I had to myself...the only spotlight dance. So, irrational as it  may seem, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention at the same time he said he would like to invite his ex (whom none of us are friends with), so his daughter could see her mom in the crowd on "her big day." That is jsut too much. When do you say something, and how, without sounding like a totaly jerk?


I know he feels very guilty about the seperation with his daughters mom. So, sometimes I think he overcompensates for that. And, the wedding might be one of those things. But, again, I dont even know how to discuss it without sounding like a horrible person. Believe me, I beat myself up over how I feel more than anyone else ever could.


Feedback?


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JustMe0326
by Platinum Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:18 PM
I think dad needs to take a step back and see that step mom is more important than what he's making her out to be. Inviting mom so dd can see her mom in the crowd on HER big day?? Wth is that?? No. Way too far.
Cartoons in the morning, fine. Every parent wants to cuddle with their kids. A daddy/daughter dance is normal at any wedding, just as I'm sure step mom would be dancing with HER dad.

Op, how often does dad have dd?? Shared parenting, full custody, every other weekend??


Quoting schatzi869:

Sounds to me like you aren't ready to be a stepmom. Maybe you should postpone the wedding indefinitely.




Quoting MsMarch:

Thanks for your replies. I have no friends that are stepmoms. So, it is hard to even talk to them, even my closest ones, because I know the feelings do not translate.



I have had those little pangs of jealousy since I moved in about six months ago. Its little things like how he talks to her everynight on the phone when he does not have her. So, we have been out at romantic dinners or whatever, and he will have to leave to talk to her. I dont get why they need to talk every day. But, ok. I can deal with it. And, other little things like him always choosing her needs before mine. Which, again, I understand. She is four and he is her dad. So, when she wants to come in our bedroom at 6 in the morning and watch cartoons, and i get woke up and have to leave the room so she can be in there, fine. Or always picking where she wants to eat, or what she wants to watch, or listen to, or any number of things. Or him being more affectionate with her, or doing those little things for her I wish he would do for me. Again, I do feel resentment sometimes, but I know none of it is her fault. And I know he is just being a good dad. And, I know that she SHOULD come first. I totally get that, and understand it, and even think it is the right thing to do. But, even though I know all that, I do get those envious or jealous feelings every so often. Which, I just try to deal with on my own. I figure over time they will subside, but thought some of you on here might have had similar situations and therefore have advice. I know no one in my situation.



But, when it translated to our wedding, I just had to talk to someone about it. She has as big a role as I do. She is a flowergirl, so she is walking up the isle. She is in our sand ceremony. We are saying vows to her after ours are said. And, she is getting a gift when we exchange rings. So, it is almost as much her show as mine. And, again, it was hard. But I tried to deal with it. Then, he says he wants a spotlight dance with her. That is the ONLY thing I had to myself...the only spotlight dance. So, irrational as it  may seem, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention at the same time he said he would like to invite his ex (whom none of us are friends with), so his daughter could see her mom in the crowd on "her big day." That is jsut too much. When do you say something, and how, without sounding like a totaly jerk?



I know he feels very guilty about the seperation with his daughters mom. So, sometimes I think he overcompensates for that. And, the wedding might be one of those things. But, again, I dont even know how to discuss it without sounding like a horrible person. Believe me, I beat myself up over how I feel more than anyone else ever could.



Feedback?


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NDADanceMom
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:21 PM


Quoting MsMarch:

Thanks for your replies. I have no friends that are stepmoms. So, it is hard to even talk to them, even my closest ones, because I know the feelings do not translate.

I have had those little pangs of jealousy since I moved in about six months ago. Its little things like how he talks to her everynight on the phone when he does not have her. So, we have been out at romantic dinners or whatever, and he will have to leave to talk to her. Tell him how you feel and request he call before or after.  Unless its an emergency calls should not happen on a date.  I dont get why they need to talk every day. But, ok. I can deal with it. And, other little things like him always choosing her needs before mine. Which, again, I understand. She is four and he is her dad. So, when she wants to come in our bedroom at 6 in the morning and watch cartoons, and i get woke up and have to leave the room so she can be in there, fine. Not fine.  I would not allow this in my homw with my bio kids.  I tell them what they can do when they wake up before me, I show them how to read a clock and tell them they may not come in my room before 8am.  They can stay in bed and read, watch tv in the livingroom quietly or find something else quiet to do.  They may not cook but they can pour dry cereal at that age. Or always picking where she wants to eat, or what she wants to watch, or listen to, or any number of things. As a family you can decide what you are doing.  It does no good to raise a child to be self centered. Or him being more affectionate with her, or doing those little things for her I wish he would do for me tell him to to them for you too. . Again, I do feel resentment sometimes, but I know none of it is her fault. no its his fault and she will be a brat very woon.  And I know he is just being a good dad.No he isnt!  good dads raise kind, generous and patient children.   And, I know that she SHOULD come first. I totally get that, and understand it, and even think it is the right thing to do. But, even though I know all that, I do get those envious or jealous feelings every so often. Which, I just try to deal with on my own. I figure over time they will subside, but thought some of you on here might have had similar situations and therefore have advice. I know no one in my situation.

But, when it translated to our wedding, I just had to talk to someone about it. She has as big a role as I do. She is a flowergirl, so she is walking up the isle. She is in our sand ceremony. We are saying vows to her after ours are said. And, she is getting a gift when we exchange rings. So, it is almost as much her show as mine. And, again, it was hard. But I tried to deal with it. Then, he says he wants a spotlight dance with her. That is the ONLY thing I had to myself...the only spotlight dance. So, irrational as it  may seem, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention at the same time he said he would like to invite his ex (whom none of us are friends with), so his daughter could see her mom in the crowd on "her big day." That is jsut too much. When do you say something, and how, without sounding like a totaly jerk?  Tell him how you feel. Do you want to marry a man who doesnt give a damn about your wants?  If you cant comprimise now you never will. 

I know he feels very guilty about the seperation with his daughters mom. So, sometimes I think he overcompensates for that. And, the wedding might be one of those things. But, again, I dont even know how to discuss it without sounding like a horrible person. Believe me, I beat myself up over how I feel more than anyone else ever could.

Feedback?


CampClan
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:22 PM

I think the feelings you have are legit feelings & you should definitely sit down & talk to your fiancee about them Let him know up front you know his daughter is always going to be #1 in his life but there are times, like your wedding, that it would be nice if he could show you that you are definitely his #2. You don't want to be upstaged by a 4 year old at your own wedding! 

Since you are new to the CafeMom world I encourage you to group search for other support groups (I believe there is a support group for stepmoms).

Good luck!

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