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Christian Mom searching for a book about parenting rude disrespectful adult kids

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Since my daughter (21 yrs old) has moved out, she is rude and very disrespectful; she only speaks to me  when she needs something from me. She is quiet by nature, and has been emotionally hurt by her father, grandfrathers, and  seems to be hurt from her brother joining the military. Her father & I divorced (he was physically abusing me), when she was about 11 yrs old. As a baby and a young child, she was very happy, and I was the "soccer coach, volleyball coach, 4-H Leader" for her. But after I got remarried (which lasted <5 yrs), she pulled away, and I haven't been able to get close to her since.  Now that she is on her own, she seems bitter and mad at me and the world.

Does anyone know of a good Christian book I can read for this?

THANKS!!    :)    Lidi2

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 10:12 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 11:37 PM

Lidi... you can't parent her anymore.  She's an adult.  However, you can let her know that while you ARE her mother, you are not her doormat.

Sit her down for a chat.  Tell her that while you do love her, you will not allow her to treat you the way she does.  My little sister is like this to our parents, and it drives me MAD.

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:18 AM

I agree with the other moms.  She is 21 and now an adult.  Give her some space, let her make her own mistakes.

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:46 AM

5 Love Languages is a good book. Just our of coursety have you asked her what is going on?

by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 5:18 AM
Quoting Lidi2:

she only speaks to me  when she needs something from me

Does she like you?   Not love you; like you - they are different things.

Do you have any interests in common?  Does she enjoy her conversations with you, are they full of laughter?  Is she Christian?  Does she worry that you disapprove of her?

You say "she seems bitter and mad at me and the world" and describe her as "disrespectful".   How do you expect her to behave, that she isn't doing?  What respect does she owe you, do you feel?   If she is bitter at the world, then she has an expectation of the world that's not been met.   What did she expect, and what happened instead?  How did she come to have that expectation?   If she is bitter at you, how justified is that?  Do you think she feels owed an apology or recompense for something?

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 5:27 AM

I'm 21, moved out and independent and if my Mom was trying to parent me, I'd be very angry about it too. I pay my own bills, I have a job, I'm an adult! I don't need to be "parented". She might be feeling the same way.

You also mentioned that you got married. My Mother, for the last 5 years, has also been with someone that she was with after her divorce from my Father. Although she would say differently, I honestly felt like she preferred his company to mine and was jealous of all of the time she spent with him that she didn't spend with me (in my defense, she spent less than an hour a week on your average week with me, your situation is probably different). When you're a child, living in a single Mother household and your Mom finds someone, the dynamics change drastically and if your Mother hardly acknowledges that, it can be very frustrating. Either way, it sounds like there is a lot more going on in your family history book than you might know has affected her.

You need to give her some space and try to get to know her as an adult rather than treating her like a child that still needs to be parented. If there is, indeed, a skeleton in the family closet that is bothering her, she will let you know with time, but until then, focus on keeping a healthy distance and letting her find herself.

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:11 PM
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Lidi2, Your DD is well of age Honey.. It doesn't matter if she's far away or living w/you, she hasn't the right to treat you like this in any form.. You need to tell her she won't do this anymore. She needs a therapist to bitch at, not you as a verbal battering ram.. Tell her to not call you till she gets help.. You did what you had to do then, & moved on.. She needs to also.. Can't allow her to keep you stuck where she wants you to be every time.. Prayers.. Take Care, Donna....

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:20 PM

LOL @ parenting an adult child.  That ship has sailed honey.  

You just talk to her like an adult.  "you only call me when you need something and you are rude.  Lets go out to lunch, my treat and just enjoy each others company.  I will not help you out with finances or babysitting until we get our relationship on track."

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:28 PM
1 mom liked this
It would help the both of you if you approached the relationship differently. You don't need a book to tell you how to parent you need to figure out what she is angry about. Talk to her on an adult level and be open to what she has to say.
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 7:46 PM
If my mom tried to parent me at 21, it would have drove a wedge between us.
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by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Have you tried just speaking to her and explaining how you feel? Parenting a 21 year old won't happen unless she allows it and obviously she's not complying,neither should she. 21 equals grown adult and no longer need to do as you want her to. Plus she may have issues with you that she's just not voicing or you haven't been trying to hear.
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