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What do you think of this idea?

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 8:11 PM
  • 24 Replies

My little sister will be 21 on Tuesday. She has been dating this "guy" for almost 2 years. He will finish basic training/boot camp next week in GA. After that, he is being shipped to his base in WA- Ft. Lewis.

Believe it or not,  she is moving there WITH him, WITH NO COMMITMENT and no job. She just finished her CNA class and has yet to take the exam. My mom's side of the family all lives there 20 min from base so she has somewhere to live.

I don't like this idea for a number of reasons:

1. She has only had 3 steady boyfriends and each lasted just over 2 years. I'm not saying she has to go date a ton of men to find the "right" one, but just three??? And they were all the same "I'm too good for other people" and control freaks.

2. She is not allowed to wear shorts per him (He doesn't want people to stare at her).

3. She is NOT allowed to go out with her girlfriends unless he is with her.

4. No commitment..yet. I saw on a a tweet that they went "ring shopping".

5. My parents DO NOT like him, due to the fact that she can only do this and that and not this because he makes her. However, they can't do much since she is legally an adult.

6. If he is around, we automatically are cut off. My daughter is 9 and those two talk EVERY NIGHT! When he was here for leave for 10 or 11 days, she called twice and Skyped just once. My daughter was very hurt!


I am having a really hard time dealing with this. We recently started to become really close in the last years. She says she will fly home every 3 months, but I doubt that will happen. I doubt that he will let her come home.


What are your opinions on this?

by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 8:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Momyplease
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 8:29 PM
ohh this is the tough one. im sorry . but when its comes to girls in love its nearly impossible to have them see the light. My sister was like that as well and of courst it ended up in abuse and cheating and horrible life for her. Now she broked it off finally but she still not over it. good luck dear.
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Marimaru
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 9:06 PM

There's not much you can do probably.  I think I would just say "I want you to really look at the stuff he 'lets' you do or 'doesn't let you do' and consider if you are okay with that forever.  And consider if you are okay with him cutting more out.  I don't see this guy letting you travel here to see us by yourself, so you need to consider that too."  Then just let her think on it for a while.  She'll do whatever she does, and you can be there for her when it goes sour.

Bax
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 9:39 PM

She is being controlled and emotionally abused, can almost guarantee that it will escalate to physical abuse.  She is a victim of intimate partner violence (IPV); this differs from domestic abuse in key aspects: IPV is about 1. isolation and 2. control.  I doubt it will help but I would research IPV and at the very least beg her to have an emergency plan. 

Some brief info- see how many key aspects of IPV fit your sister:


Jealousy and possessiveness

  • Isolates you from your friends and family
  • Rifles through your belongings
  • Wants you to drop all your friends, especially of the same sex as your partner’s
  • Expects you to spend all your time with him/her

Controlling behavior

  • Calls or texts you constantly to know where you are and what you’re doing
  • Shows up at your work or school to check up on you
  • Checks mileage on your car
  • Bosses you around
  • Gives you orders
  • Makes all the decisions
  • Disregards your suggestions and wishes
  • Discounts your feelings
  • Makes you feel trapped or crazy
  • Blames you for all his/her problems and makes you feel his/her behavior is your fault
  • Withholds approval
  • Puts you down and calls you names

Hypersensitivity and explosive behavior

  • Bursts out in anger unpredictably
  • Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
  • Makes your friends and family concerned for you and your safety

Threatening and using violence

  • Grabs, pushes, shoves, slaps, shakes, kicks, punches and chokes you
  • Pressures you for sex
  • Breaks or destroys objects, especially those you value
ShellLee68
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:20 PM
This is 100% correct. This was me 12 years ago. the only way i was able to get away was by getting in my car with what I could fit and driving the 600 miles back home.

all you can do is make sure she knows you will help her if she wants to get out. and unfortunately, you probably don't even know a quarter of what he is doing.


Quoting Bax:

She is being controlled and emotionally abused, can almost guarantee that it will escalate to physical abuse.  She is a victim of intimate partner violence (IPV); this differs from domestic abuse in key aspects: IPV is about 1. isolation and 2. control.  I doubt it will help but I would research IPV and at the very least beg her to have an emergency plan. 

Some brief info- see how many key aspects of IPV fit your sister:


Jealousy and possessiveness

  • Isolates you from your friends and family
  • Rifles through your belongings
  • Wants you to drop all your friends, especially of the same sex as your partner’s
  • Expects you to spend all your time with him/her


Controlling behavior

  • Calls or texts you constantly to know where you are and what you’re doing
  • Shows up at your work or school to check up on you
  • Checks mileage on your car
  • Bosses you around
  • Gives you orders
  • Makes all the decisions
  • Disregards your suggestions and wishes
  • Discounts your feelings
  • Makes you feel trapped or crazy
  • Blames you for all his/her problems and makes you feel his/her behavior is your fault
  • Withholds approval
  • Puts you down and calls you names


Hypersensitivity and explosive behavior

  • Bursts out in anger unpredictably
  • Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
  • Makes your friends and family concerned for you and your safety


Threatening and using violence

  • Grabs, pushes, shoves, slaps, shakes, kicks, punches and chokes you
  • Pressures you for sex
  • Breaks or destroys objects, especially those you value

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ShellLee68
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:21 PM
Show her this post
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
TableforSeven
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:30 PM

She's a big girl - she will lead her own life and there is nothing you can do/say about it without losing her.  Just be there and keep in touch with her as much as possible.  At least she will be close to family after the move.

terpmama
by Gold Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:36 PM
Ask her open questions.... What's her idea of a perfect partner? What does she want from life? Who does she want to be in ten years? How can she get there? What's her favorite thing about him? Why? Sort of slow walk her to her own decisions. And really listen. You might learn stuff you didn't know.
tashraq87
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:45 PM

I think most of that fits. As far as I know, no physical abuse goes on...but then again I am almost 2 hours away. I have tried numerous times to tell her how I feel and all she says back is "I understand how you feel but it is my life to live, not yours".

Quoting ShellLee68:

This is 100% correct. This was me 12 years ago. the only way i was able to get away was by getting in my car with what I could fit and driving the 600 miles back home.

all you can do is make sure she knows you will help her if she wants to get out. and unfortunately, you probably don't even know a quarter of what he is doing.


Quoting Bax:

She is being controlled and emotionally abused, can almost guarantee that it will escalate to physical abuse.  She is a victim of intimate partner violence (IPV); this differs from domestic abuse in key aspects: IPV is about 1. isolation and 2. control.  I doubt it will help but I would research IPV and at the very least beg her to have an emergency plan. 

Some brief info- see how many key aspects of IPV fit your sister:


Jealousy and possessiveness

  • Isolates you from your friends and family
  • Rifles through your belongings
  • Wants you to drop all your friends, especially of the same sex as your partner’s
  • Expects you to spend all your time with him/her


Controlling behavior

  • Calls or texts you constantly to know where you are and what you’re doing
  • Shows up at your work or school to check up on you
  • Checks mileage on your car
  • Bosses you around
  • Gives you orders
  • Makes all the decisions
  • Disregards your suggestions and wishes
  • Discounts your feelings
  • Makes you feel trapped or crazy
  • Blames you for all his/her problems and makes you feel his/her behavior is your fault
  • Withholds approval
  • Puts you down and calls you names


Hypersensitivity and explosive behavior

  • Bursts out in anger unpredictably
  • Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
  • Makes your friends and family concerned for you and your safety


Threatening and using violence

  • Grabs, pushes, shoves, slaps, shakes, kicks, punches and chokes you
  • Pressures you for sex
  • Breaks or destroys objects, especially those you value


tashraq87
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 10:46 PM

If I do, I am afraid she will resent me....

Quoting ShellLee68:

Show her this post


Bird16_J
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 11:17 PM

I hate to say it but she's got to live her life. It sucks and she's DEFINITELY being abused mentally and emotionally and probably physically abusing her as well. There's not much you can do except support her in her decisions. It'll probably take her quite a while to realize what a piece of shit the dude is and dump his loser ass. I'm sorry that she did that to your daughter though definitely NOT cool!!!! Sad that she puts that cocksucker above her own family though :( Good luck to her she's going to need it with a cunt like him!


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