I've realized all the way's i have gone wrong with my DD..and now i am trying to fix them :)
I have basically been a single mother for the past 10 yrs...to a child with ADD/ ODD/ separation anxiety.
Her father left us when she was 16 months old, but he was never much help anyways..after that he went in and out of her life until she was 4 yrs old and he just stopped coming around.
I was with a man for 8 yrs , but never lived with him...we broke up in Nov 2011.
My very first mistake was staying with a man that did not respect me , and did not want to committ to me ..the only thing it did was show my DD that i didn't stick up for myself and that i didn't 'need' to be respected, so she adapted his way of talking to me ...i am slowly getting her to stop that and to talk to me with respect.
Another fault of mine , was thinking all that time that because it was just me and her in the house that she had a say in things ...i would talk to her about everything before making a decision...i am realizing now that it was wrong of me to do so..it gave her a sense of being an equal partner in the home , and NOT the child.
The consequences for my actions are a 10 yr old who tell's me NO when i tell her that something will be done a certain way...or if i tell her what WILL be done...
- what i have done to fix this :I have started telling her that i am the parent and she is the child , i have explained that me including her in the big household decisions obviously was the wrong choice for me to make and that it just made her feel like she could tell me what to do ...and that i am finally putting my foot down and that i can't allow her to continue to talk to me the way that she does and that we will learn respect in the house and i will be the parent and she will be the child.
When i do discuss things with her , it is no longer an option ...but a decision that is already made ...will explain further in the post.
Bedtime was the same routine for 8 yrs .... she would get cuddle time with me, a book read by the both of us together , two silly sallys and butterfly kisses (the song)..and she would get two minutes with me.
Through out the year she has learned how to manipulate that routine and get me to stay longer...until she fell asleep. There were some nights that she didn't even need it and ended up falling asleep while watching a tv show ...she was never in NEED of it , because she sleeps over at other peoples house's fine without it ..
I have stopped the bedtime routine all together , she has the choice of reading to me while i am cooking dinner , or any other time during the day ..not a problem, i encourage reading.
However bedtime is now that at 9pm , she get's a variety of books...i tuck her in , give her a kiss and tell her goodnight ...she then reads a book on her own and falls asleep BY herself.
We have been doing this for about two weeks ..and it has been going good.
However , i have noticed that if i let her watch online tv past 8pm..we have a bit of issues at bedtime , so i have made it so that there will be NO shows after 8pm..she has the option of playing a card or board game with me , or entertaining herself for that hour.
I have had many arguments with her about the cable , she will turn on the tv in the mornings ..and it has always been a fight to get her off to school ...or even to get her to go to bed...she would wake up in the middle of the night and go turn on the tv! (my ex used to tell her this was fine to do)..
Because it has caused so many arguments and occasions of her just not listening to me , the cable has been cut off ...if she wants to watch a show ...she has to EARN laptop time by cleaning up , doing the dishes ..or anything else i ask her to do. Than she can go to the websites we use to watch her show. (she also has to earn laptop time ...to go on the internet itself)
I have made a lot of posts on here through out the year with the problems that i have been having and i have had many moms tell me to step up and be a parent..i always took offense to it thinking that i was being a parent and doing everything i could do.
It took my SO to come into my life whom has ADD and who has brothers with it as well , to help me realize that mistakes that i have made ...he has been a great support system and although it has not been easy ..he has no intentions on going anywhere ...and has every intention on committing to me and my daughter..
The changes that i have made have benefited us extremely ...and it is getting better and better with time.
It is a happier house.....the point of this post?
Sometime's you have to really self analyze yourself when dealing with problems ...i just wanted to thank all of the mom's that have been supportive ...