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marriage issues about my working.. need help! *piog

Posted by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 5:51 PM
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My job is very demanding. I work 3-4 12 hour shifts a week and go to school fulltime(my job is paying). But here's the situation... Dh wants to be the primary provider and wants me to lower my hours at work and just focus on school. My job will not allow me to lower my hours because there are no part time positions open. Dh is getting upset because he can only work part time because he has to work around my schedule and my days are not predictable. And one of us has to be home because of the kids and no daycare or family. Its causing him to be in a pissy mood because he feels i am putting my jobs needs before his own.

Idk what to do here. He wants me to go back to working a job less than 12 hours a night or just find something part time so he can pick up more hours. He's job is not a career job though and mines is granted its going to take me 3.5 yrs to get to my career stance but my job is giving me that aspect. What can/would/should i do?
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by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 5:51 PM
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Replies (1-6):
by Platinum Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 5:59 PM

Financial security is more important than someone's ego...what you are doing is working now.

by Ruby Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 6:12 PM
I would tell him life's not always fair and you don't always get what you want. You have a job I'm assuming you enjoy and want to pursue further. As your DH, he should support you as I'm sure you support him if needed. Yes, 3 1/2 years is a long time but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't and when you're ffinished with school, maybe he'll be able to find better hours he likes. He should want to see you succeed.
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by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 6:52 PM

 You should ask him to provide you with a 5-year, detailed financial plan based on realistic goals. Tell him that when he can guarentee he can bring in as much or more than you earn, you will consider his arguments for lowering your work hours. Like you said, his job is not a career. As the primary provider you have the financial responsibility for your family. That is much more important than hurting his feel-bad. 

by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 7:05 PM

oh goodness. i understand only its turned around for us. did he come into this relationship knowing this abt your work or was it a new development that came along later after the marriage? my husband is in the military and is in a very demanding position. his days start at abt 430 and end at abt 630 followed by a at least an hour at the gym and of course his constant schooling he has to do for promotions or his job and volunteer service that's added in to the weekend. we have no family close by and our friends that we are close enough to to let watch our son move so frequently that that isn't much of an option either. i went through a spell where i was irritated that i couldn'tbe what i wanted to be or do what i wanted to do in the same way he can. one of us has to be here for our son, one of us has to be stable, and one of us has to bend to the other in this situation. i have now accepted that when it comes to a career i will have to start college once my son can start school and i will have to pick a career that is extremely portable not necessarily my 'dream job'. many other spousesdeal with it by working from home. anyways..long story short you need to first identify WHY he feels this need. is it because he was programed (raised) to believe that he with the penis must be the primary earner? is it because his personal self worth has been latched on to monetary contribution? is it because he feels stifled and unable to fulfill his dreams because yours are 'taking over' everything? and then discuss options for fixing his feeling. if its an inferiority issue due to his gender then id suggest maybe some individual counseling because those ideas are usually ingrained in them from a young age, if its because of his self worth being attached to money then you may have to constantly stoke his ego abt what he does during the day while you are doing your job/school to help him feel a sense of self worth and accomplishment. if this is over him feeling like he is wasting his potential why don't you suggest he start a side business from home. i sell vintage items online so that's not one of the stereotypical housewife side jobs like makeup or jewelry that he may notfeel comfy doing. maybe he has a talent he could put to use and sell. some jobs hire at home workers as well. if all of this does nothing or you have already tried it then perhaps some marriage counseling would be good so that whatever issues are raising his resentment can be brought up and negotiated with a third part that isn't biased involved. GL

by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 7:25 PM
He needs to suck it up and be happy he has a smart and motivated wife.
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by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 7:30 PM

It seems like this is something you should have talked about before marriage and kids.  We all have our own ideas about a mate.  I expect a man that is the primary bread winner.  My husband knew before he married me that I consider a woman working to be a choice based on where she is with kids and such in her life.  I consider a man working to be an obligation.  Though my husband doesnt share my point of view and would be ok with me being the bread winner he knows that to be a good husband to me he will have to keep a good job.  

I would not be with a man who couldnt support me unless he was in an accident or something.  Your husband may have feelings just as strong and you could lose him if you dont work this out. 

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