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if you could save a life... a moral dilema

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So an old friend made a post on facebook about needing a kidney.  Desperatly needing a kidney in fact, and as it turns out, I am a match for the blood type she is seeking a donor from. I haven't actually seen her with my own eyes in at least 10 years, but shes a wonderful gal, good mom, and because of facebook, weve been able to keep in touch.   Problem is, I have no idea how in the world I would make room in my life for a kidney harvesting, and I have kids of my own, a wedding to plan,  and my own life to navigate with out screwing it up too badly lol.. 
DF is completely against the idea. He has no idea who she is.  He says, What if my remaining kidney goes bad and I wind up in her shoes? And hes right.   So I am keeping quiet about my blood type to her.  I would if I could... but I can't.  And DF and I decided that I wont

But how do I forgive myself she dies, leaves her children motherless, leaves her family broken, and I could have been the one to save her!  I feel like if she dies, and I could have prevented it by not worrying about my own life for a few months, well that would be a tough pill to swallow.

I was just wondering, what you ladies would do if you were in my shoes?

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:15 PM
Replies (51-60):
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:59 PM

just because your blood type matches doesnt necessarily mean u could be a donor. there are other factors involved. that is a huge decision because like you said..what if ur other kidney goes bad? and you dont have anyone that can donate to u? i personally would only do that for a close family member or very good friend. not someone i havent really talked to in 10 years. its not being selfish- u have a husband and ur own family to think about.

by Silver Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:05 AM

Depends on how healthy I was.

If I was healthy enough to not even have to worry about it, then I would have given it to her. It isn't just blood type that they worry about either I don't think, but I could be wrong.

I would give my kidney if I could medically do so.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:45 AM
I wouldn't do it, I'm afraid to be cut on etc. Selfish reason.
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:46 AM
If it was someone I was close too then yes I would. Just bc I have kidney problems and I know what that feels like. My dad was sick when I got diagnosed and he asked his doctors what meds he could stop taking so in case I needed a kidney and we were a match he could give me one.
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by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Personally I would do it for her kids! I would hate to leave her kids motherless. And all I can say is karma is a bitch. i would be worried that if I didn't something bad would happen to me and no one would help because I didn't help her. (I know weird logic). Plus the guilt I would feel when she died would be horrible to live with.
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:51 AM
I would most likely give it to her
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:53 AM

If it used to be a very close friend and we drifted apart just because of distance and life...not a falling out, and if I had no issues with my kidney's at all....then I would donate.

by Jamie on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:55 AM

just because you are her blood type doesnt mean that you will be a match

and if you donate a kidney and you end up needing one you get moved to the top of the list

do it

by Silver Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:03 PM
Just because you have the same blood type doesn't make you a match or a good candidate as a donor.

As people I believe we have a limited responsibility to others. I will buy food for homeless people, donate toys at Christmas, and help people when I can. But I'm sorry, I don't feel a responsibility to allow any organ to be harvested just because I may be a match for an acquaintance. My responsibility is to be there for MY child. Its unfortunate that bad things happen but I don't want my son to be left motherless (his father is worthless so this would change his life drastically and not for the better).
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:12 PM

I was not implying that she was a horrible person for not offering to donate.  What I was outlining is the mentallity is today's standard of putting onesefl first.  I cannot determine the tone or meaning you put into my words as you read them over the internet but I can tell you you are completely off base by your own assumptions.

I outlined the things that I and my family try and do for others as I wanted to show that I too have made serious medical decisions to help others but put me in a possible position of permanent injury, medical distress, or worse loss of life.  I did not put them out there for a pat on the back.

I said these things because it does have an affect on society that everyone's first reaction is to not help because of the what-if's or maybe's that once again keep them thinking of themselves.  I do agree that people have to think of their own families and what is best for them but no one thinks about in the future if they needed to depend on an organ donor list and everyone thought the way that they did that they didn't want to be a donor because maybe they might need that organ in the future.

I know there is no point in arguing with you as you think I am a horrible person for outlining the flaws in societies mentality.  As I said repeatedly in my post we are not going to make a better world if we are not willing to make sacrifices or take a step out of our comfort zones to help others.

Yes there are dangers to helping her friend. Yes she has made it quite clear that they haven't been bossom buddies in a few years. etc etc.

I'll fall back on the old addage that you could walk out your front door and get hit by a bus every day. If spiderman had stopped the robber that brushed by him his uncle wouldn't have been kiled.

There are so many variables to life, death, happyness, and defeat why not do sometime that makes the world better for someone whether you once considered thema  friend or not?

Take my words however you want. Your attitude and response really didn't help anything either.  Everyone has their own opinions, life path, and experiences and I was voicing my opinions on her question. Isn't that what she was asking for?

Quoting katzmeow726:

Donating a kidney is not a simple thing. I think it is pretty pissy for you to ask if she is taking the easy way out.  It IS a major surgery with a fairly long recovery.  There are the usual risks involved of course, like bleeding and infection.  And yes, the small, but still real, chance of death.
   You have to seriously limit anti inflammatory meds after donation, because they can damage your remaining organ more quickly, since you only have one now.  Recovery is around 4-6 weeks before you can return to your typical routine. 

   She has not seen this person in years.  And she has her family to think of first.  She is not a bad person for hesitating to donate. 

Good job on being a surrogate and blood want a cookie?  Oh, and FYI, you don't get paid to donate blood here either.  At least not where I live.  

Sorry, but IMO every good deed you have done is less meaningful, because you're using it to show how much better you are than the OP because she's not comfortable donating a kidney.  Sure, it's all fine and dandy you show your kids how to help others.  But who is to say that the OP doesn't do it in other ways?  From your tone, it sounds like you are accusing the OP of not being a good example, because she doesn't want to donate her kidney.  What kind of example does that set for your kids?  

You do good deeds to help people...not so you can shove them in other people's doing that, the meaning, the value, of what you have done is lessened.  


Quoting notyurmama:

It drives me nuts the number of people who hold onto the what-ifs and what-about-me's in this world today. Sure you are the same blood type but without further testing and examination it is not definite that you would be a match. It's not definite that you wouldn't be either. 

I strongly believe that we are not going to better society and our world by talk but by action.  I do what I can when I can to help others.  THis is not to say I am a saint, nor am I looking for praise but honestly the "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude our society has encompassed these days is just sad.

I am a 2 times surrogate. I donate blood as often as I can (And I am in Canada so we don't get paid for it.) I am teaching my kids to think of others by helping with food drives, buying toys for tots, helping clean up the neighbourhood, taking welcome gifts of baked goods and veggies from our garden to newly moved in neighbours. 

In the future if your kidney does fail you having 2 kidney's will not necessarily mean you will be fine. You also do not know what the future holds either and you could possibly not need a kidney. The instances of people needing a kidney replacement are low and there are ways to maintain life while awaiting a transplant. Don't you want to show the ultimate gift of giving and caring as a model for your kids? Show them the kindness people can have toward one another? This is the best, and ONLY, way we will make the world a better place for our kids and grand kids to grow up in.  It is easy to say now, it is easy to say it's too scary, I personally try to never take the easy way out

Yes you have to do what is right for you and your family but are you sure you are doing what's right and not just what's easy?

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