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Having the "Adoption Talk" with a child.. Advice

Posted by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:03 PM
  • 20 Replies

Ok, so in a nut shell my eight yr old's bio dad has been out of his life for almost seven years. I left him when my son was five weeks old due to domestic violence. He literally ABANDONED my son, went and had another son and named him the EXACT same name as my son... told everyone that I wouldn't allow him to see my son, that he wasn't sure that my son was his. Stopped paying CS, just up and ABANDONED him.  Well, my current DH and I have known each other for six years been together for five, married for three and have a one year old together. When my son first met DH he called him by his name, "Frankie." At the time my father was the only male role model in my son's life and we all called my him Dad so my son did as well. Well one day, out of no where my son started calling DH Daddy-Frankie. My husband didn't even miss a beat and before we were ever engaged he said that he wanted adopt my son. Over the years, I have tried to address the fact that Daddy- Frankie is not really his bio dad, but he is his dad because he WANTS to be his dad and he loves him. DS would cry, say that Daddy-Frankie IS his dad and he looks just like him... that I'm lying. Well, I left it alone for a while because I figured he was too young to understand what I was trying to tell him. Well, ds has been asking more and more questions. Such as how is SS his brother but SS's mommy is J and not me... why does the baby have the same last name as Daddy-Frankie but he has to wait for the adoption to be finished before he can have the same last name? Why is SS and him the same age? I really think that I need to try to have the adoption talk with him... but DH is currently deployed. I don't know how to go about this again... what do I say? What do I do if he gets upset? What if he wants to find his bio dad? 

 I know this conversation NEEDS to be had.. my little sister is adopted, she is not related to us in no way shape or form. A child at school told her she was adopted when she was ten and she went ballistic and beat the child up... didn't speak to my parents for a month. Now at the age of 17 she is defiant, nasty... she says she loves my parents but whenever they get into an argument she tells them that they're not really her parents. ADVICE PLEASE?

by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ashandmasysmom
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:07 PM
I would look at bookstores and see if you can find a childrens book similar to your situation. There has to be one out there. Buy It, read It together and explains afterwards how your situation is the same.
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marinenonstop
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:07 PM

BUMP!

marinenonstop
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:08 PM


That is a really good idea! Thank you

Quoting ashandmasysmom:

I would look at bookstores and see if you can find a childrens book similar to your situation. There has to be one out there. Buy It, read It together and explains afterwards how your situation is the same.



erikadi
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:15 PM

I think that you should just emphasize that Frankie is his dad in the most important way possible. He will be everything a dad is supposed to be. He just isn't his birth father. It might make him feel better that he has the option to contact his biological dad if he wants to. As for what your sister says she is still young and she is saying that out of anger. 

marinenonstop
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:22 PM


I agree. My husband has been the most amazing father to my children. He loves my eight year old and they have this amazing connection.  Honestly, I would hate for him to tell me that he wants to meet his bio father. I know that the details of what happened should be left until he's old enough to fully understand. However, this man beat me while I was holding my child in my arms. He threatened to kill me... he threatened to kidnap my son from me. Even after all of that I allowed him to see my son so long as it was supervised. The visits were supervised in an agency for over a yr once a week for four hours and he missed 19 visits. Once the visitation was moved from the agency to my home (they said they did not feel he should be left unsupervised with my son. That he needed to see a therapist and take a parenting class) he just stopped showing up. He saw me once with my son... looked down at him and crossed the street. This man wanted nothing to do with him and that was HIS choice.. it would kill me if my son wanted to know him. If he did want to know him... then he could do it when he's an adult. I know that's wrong for me to say... but it's how I feel.

Quoting erikadi:

I think that you should just emphasize that Frankie is his dad in the most important way possible. He will be everything a dad is supposed to be. He just isn't his birth father. It might make him feel better that he has the option to contact his biological dad if he wants to. As for what your sister says she is still young and she is saying that out of anger. 



erikadi
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:28 PM

I completely understand. I guess if he asks why he can't see his dad say that he hurt you and you don't want him to hurt you too. I can also say hopefully by the time you are an adult he will have changed if you still want to know him. 

mcginnisc
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:29 PM

There are tons of adoption books on the market. I can't think of any that pertain to step parent adoption though off the top of my head... 

I'm an adoptive parent, but my dd has known from day 1 that she is adopted. She was adopted at 17 months from China and she is 7 now. Adoption is not a foreign concept in our home as we have made it normal to discuss it at any time. 

Good luck. 

Claire


" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13 

marinenonstop
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:43 PM

I suppose that's one way to address it. That he is not in our lives because he hurt me and I don't want him to get hurt either... and when he's older and bigger if he feels he'll be safe he can look for him if he wants.


Quoting erikadi:

I completely understand. I guess if he asks why he can't see his dad say that he hurt you and you don't want him to hurt you too. I can also say hopefully by the time you are an adult he will have changed if you still want to know him. 



marinenonstop
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 5:03 PM


Thank you, and I think it's awesome that you're an adoptive parent! Adoption is a beautiful thing.

Quoting mcginnisc:

There are tons of adoption books on the market. I can't think of any that pertain to step parent adoption though off the top of my head... 

I'm an adoptive parent, but my dd has known from day 1 that she is adopted. She was adopted at 17 months from China and she is 7 now. Adoption is not a foreign concept in our home as we have made it normal to discuss it at any time. 

Good luck. 



ambermario4ever
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 6:28 PM

I don't know. My step dad adopted me after he married my mom. But I was excited about it as I had always wanted a new daddy. mine died when I was one. Just be honest I guess.

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