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I need major step-parenting advice!

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 12:28 AM
  • 9 Replies

Me and my husband have been married for almost 4 months. His previous wife died of cancer and left him with 3 wonderful kids, Myckennah is now 7, and Ryan and Conor are now 5. Myckennah was still pretty young when he mom died (probably around 3 or 4). According to my husband, she's asked a lot about her mom when she was 5 and why she didn't have a mommy like the rest of her friends, so my husband explained all of that to her. My husband and I started dating when she was 6 and she hated it! She would cry when we left her with the babysitter saying not to go. I figured it was just a separation thing but I later learned it was a lot more than just seperation problems. She continued to act like that each time we went on a date but it go worse once we explained we were getting married. She was 7 when we got married and she told her father that he had made a wrong decision and that he should still be married to her mom. She just continued to say that well after our wedding day. I even heard her say that she hates me and wishes I'd die like her mom recently. I never did anything to Myckennah that I wouldn't do to my own child. I treat all 3 of them like they are my own kids. I want to be a good step-mom and was really trying my hardest these first four months but I guess it wasn't hard enough. I ask her if she'd like to go to the mall or to a movie but she just says not with you. It really hurts me that I'm unable to build a relationship with my step-daughter and everything she's said about me really hurts.

How can I build a relationship with her or will it just take time to get used to the change and for her to realize that this is now her real life? I really want to be in Myckennah's life but I don't think she wants me in her's.

Thank you so much!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 12:28 AM
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Replies (1-9):
joeynwillsmom
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:09 AM
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It doesn't sound like its you she has the issue with, it sounds like she has never processed/understood her mother's death. She most likely needs counseling to come to terms and move forward.
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afwifeandmommy3
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:11 AM
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She needs counseling , she doesn't understand what's happened . She hasn't said good bye .
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Fields456
by Sexy and I know it on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:12 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with this


Quoting joeynwillsmom:

It doesn't sound like its you she has the issue with, it sounds like she has never processed/understood her mother's death. She most likely needs counseling to come to terms and move forward.

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Rebecca204
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I believe the little girl has still not healed from her mothers passing. I know you feel hurt when she says mean things to you but don't take it to heart. She is still hurting and prob needs some counseling of some sort. maybe that is why she is resentful towards you.I can't imagine how hard and confusing it must of been for her to lose her mother so young.Be patient, loving and kind to this child and in due time she will see that you truly do love her and care about her. I am a firm believer that LOVE heals everything.

Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:32 AM
1 mom liked this

It is going to take a LOT of time and this is normal.  She doesn't understand and it is VERY unfair in her eyes that her mom is no longer here for her.  I can't imagine losing the most important figure in my life at such a young age.  That is terrible.  

Just let her know you love her, explain to her that you are NOT tying to fill her mother's shoes, that you could never do that and you don't want to, her mother was a very special lady and you would never try to take her place.

Maybe find a really awesome picture of her mother and take her to get it framed...get a ton of picture of her mom and their life before you and help her make a scrapbook.

i would say all the kids need to go to counseling and their father needs to go with them as well..

DamianaFire
by Damiana on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:46 AM
1 mom liked this

 she needs to see a counselor.. she is having trouble with her mom's death. I really don't think it has anything o to do with YOU.. she is hurting from losing her mom and now dad has a new wife.  she is in pain.  she has not gone though all the steps of grieving.  all she knows is that one day mommy left and is never coming home.  She is going through so many emotions, I really doubt she know how to deal with them all.

Just keep trying, make sure she knows you are there for whatever she needs. make sure she knows you are NOT trying to replace her mom, just  to be there for her.  No matter what, don't give up on her.. It can and will be ok..

gizmo538
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:01 AM
1 mom liked this

 The whole, "he needs to stay married to her mommy" statement tells me that she hasn't coped with her mother's death. Heck, she may not even understand it. I agree with the others, she needs counseling.

I don't think she actually hates you, but maybe she sees your marriage as her dad trying to replace her mommy and she doesn't want that. Or maybe she thinks you're trying to take her daddy away and she's scared. She already lost one parent and she doesn't want to lose the other.

She needs to understand that you aren't trying to replace her mommy or take her daddy away from her and counseling can help with that. Just be patient with her.

DEJavu17
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Just keep loving her. And no matter what she says its not YOU that she's angry at. Love her, let her know you love her. I have 2 stepdaughters and I dealt with the dad and mom split up aftermath. I know my situation isn't like yours, but they share a lot of similarities. It will pay off for you in a few years. She may also be afraid of getting close to you because she fears losing you too. Good luck and pm me if you need to talk :)
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step-mommy766
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 7:37 AM
Thank you so much everyone! I never thought about it that way. I just figured she had something against me. We will certaintly have at least her see a counselor. Thank you again.
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