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My husband doesn't trust me, he is beyond jealous!

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 My husband doesn't trust me. He has been cheated on before and thinks I'll cheat on him if he doesn't protect me from other men? He demands to have all my passwords to everything. I can't go to the gym alone, I am not to work where there are a lot of men. ETC. I have proved myself time and time again. I can't take it anymore! I have kept things from him because I was afraid of him overreacting so I am at fault as well. Can a relationship really last without trust??

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 3:28 PM
Replies (31-40):
KayDziedzic
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:47 AM
2 moms liked this

Unfortunately, PP is spot on.

OP, you're describing controlling behavior that goes beyond jealousy-- it's a red flag signaling an abusive relationship. It is not going to better until your husband willingly gets professional help. He's the one with the issue, and having been cheated on in the past does no in any way excuse the way he's treating you. In the mean time, get yourself set up with your own therapist/counselor so you have someone to help you when your husband's behavior gets worse. I'm not talking about couples counseling, but individual counseling, where an unbiased professional will tell you, "What you're describing is not normal, healthy behavior. This is what you can expect. These are the options you have now; these are the options you will/will not have when x, y, z starts happening." If it's not abusive behavior, a professional will tell you that, as well.

Those of us who have lived with an abusive person have been where you probably are right now, trying to ignore or justify the abusive behavior. Abuse is not limited to physical agression, and many types of abuse are not physical at all. They're still not okay. Most people need an outsider to tell them "This is not a safe or healthy place for you to be," and feel that they are at least partly to blame for the abusive behavior. 

Here's some info. A google search for "spousal abuse", "domestic abuse" or "emotional abuse" will turn up a lot more information from reliable sources. (You should delete these searches and any related sites from your internet history should you choose to take a look at any of these, just in case.)

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

"Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused."

"Signs that you're in an abusive relationship:

"Do you:  ...avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? ...feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

"Does your partner: ...blame you for their own abusive behavior? ...act excessively jealous and possessive? ...control where you go or what you do? ...limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?  ...constantly check up on you?"

"Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. 

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so."



Quoting pasteeater:

 I doubt that it will work.  That's not jealousy.  That's control and it's abusive.  You shouldn't have to live like that.  I'm sorry to sound so mean, but I don't think any good will come of it.



chemmom83
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:06 PM

 ABSOLUTELY NOT , W/O TRUST THEIR IS NO FAITH, ONE HAS TO TRUST THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION.

Caitlin10081989
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:58 PM

No, the relationship can not really last without trust. He needs to trust you that your not going to cheat on him and that he is not with the woman that cheated on him before. 

Mashnut3161
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:02 PM

 Not in my opinion. Relationships have to have trust and communication.

cherryblsm1
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:12 PM
He was NOT like this while we were dating... :( he loved everything about who I was. If it was good enough then why is it not enough now?


Quoting Arwyn724:

Whether it's trust or control, was he like this before you married him?  If so, what made you think he'd change?  If he wasn't like this before, then he needs to get some help for his issues (these are not you're doing).  If he doesn't I'd seriously consider if a life like that is worth it.


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Maevelyn
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:14 PM
2 moms liked this

That's how cheaters act. 

winterglow
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:29 PM

So ask him what has changed ... You deserve so much better than this.

Thinking about this, if he was fine with you before you got married ... it really isn't logical that he should start to hound you AFTER you were married. After all, you're still the same person, aren't you? And so is he. So get him to explain to you.

Frankly, I'd be heading for counselling even if he wouldn't go.

(((((HUGS))))) it must be shitty having to deal with this kind of stuff. 


Quoting cherryblsm1:

He was NOT like this while we were dating... :( he loved everything about who I was. If it was good enough then why is it not enough now?


Quoting Arwyn724:

Whether it's trust or control, was he like this before you married him?  If so, what made you think he'd change?  If he wasn't like this before, then he needs to get some help for his issues (these are not you're doing).  If he doesn't I'd seriously consider if a life like that is worth it.



 

CotterpinDoozer
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:40 PM

Honestly, I don't think so. It sounds like he's going to end up making you resent him. I couldn't live like that myself.


CharlotteRose
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:32 PM

Have you two sought out counseling?  This sounds like a huge reason to go! 

trainlady
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:49 PM

No a relationship cannot last without trust. And it cannot last with him telling you every step to make and overseeing everything you do. Ask him why you are being punished for what someone else did to him? He needs to understand that you are not the same person as they were and that he is putting you under undue stress in everything you do. Ask him how he would like it if you didn't trust him and started doing to him what he is doing to you. You are not an animal to be put on a leash. He better lighten up or lose it all again. Like I said you are being punished with stress for what others did and it should stop immediately.

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