Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Ex drug addict, future husband? What's your opinion?! Help!

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:41 AM
  • 62 Replies


Well they say love is blind, so I figure I'd come here to find some answers.

I met a man who is perfect, and yes I realize no ones perfect, but for the sake of the story lets say he is, loving, adoring, helpful, considerate, family oriented, great with my son, etc.

theres just one down fall, every night from 730-9 he's in NA meetings for past drug addictions. Now I'm not one to judge people based on their past, and he's serious about these meetings and staying on the right path, but am I crazy here? Should I be running in the opposite direction? Once an addict always an addict, or can great men come from sketchy pasts? 

He's pretty down on himself, negative about the things he's done and thinks I'm going to run away, but he's got just cause to think that way. I'm a good girl, always have been, no drugs, no smoking, hardly any drinking. And he's an ex drug addict that I'm nagging to quit smoking, I got him the patch, he got pissy and said it didn't work then went out and bought the e cig. To each their own I suppose.

every time I try to be a part of his solution and help him in some way it ends in a fight, last night he told me I was too intense and I needed to back off and let him do things his way. Said if we were going to fight all the time he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. All my overly sensitive girl ears heard is its easier for him to hide behind his meetings and excuses and not man up, and he was going to hate me for making him man up.

so what's your opinion am I fighting a just cause or an already lost battle? He's so perfect in every other way that its hard for me to let go, but do I need to? Or is there hope?


by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
LaughingTattoo
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:47 AM
13 moms liked this

My husband is 15 years clean. His vices now are smoking and sugar. Hes an amazing man.

 For many drugs addicts its all or nothing. Do NOT nag him about his smoking, dont even bring it up. You have to let him take the lead, each day gets better. But pressure is not going to help. If he relapses, leave until hes clean. But other than that just be supportive. Also, those meetings are not a way of hiding and I certainly hope you didnt say that to him. Those meetings are a life line. Eventually he may be able to stop going but for right now he needs it. Those people understand him, even if you do not

If you cant just let him do this, then dont be with him. He doesnt need the added pressure.

PearlsandWhirls
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:48 AM
1 mom liked this

Are long term drug users even capable of the same rational thoughts and feelings non drug users have? Or is that part of their brain damaged and fried from years of use? 

TS9509
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:52 AM
1 mom liked this
I dated a guy once who was a recovering drug addict and serve drinker. Things didn't work out for us just because we were at different places in life. We did however stay friends and he is now married with 3 kids. He is an amazing father and husband. He is a very hard worker which in turn gives his wife the opportunity to stay home with the baby. I think if u give the person the support they need they will overcome their addiction. The most important thing to remember is not everyone recovers the same way or the way society thinks they should, as long as he is trying to remain clean give him support don't nag him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
dana63
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:53 AM
3 moms liked this

 I do want to say that addicts do change and can be very productive and as you said "perfect" in the eyes of the ones that love them. I am recovering for over 35 years and I don't even take medications. 

He is going to meetings and this is a positive step and he needs to do one thing at a time. Allow him to quit smoking on his own time, I found that too much pressure makes them feel stressed and once stressed they might want to take up that bad habit again. I think he is going in the best direction and keep assuring him he is doing good and your support will be greatly rewarded at the end.

HippieMomma08
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:09 AM
3 moms liked this
I've been clean for the past 6 years.

Yes, there is such a thing as an ex addict. But you can't do it for him. Don't make his problem your problem. Let him know that you are there and willing to help and support but that's all you can do.

Getting/staying clean isn't a team sport. It's very personal and on going process. If he goes to NA the rest of his life and never touches another drug its worth it right?

The most important thing is not to be judgemental, which sounds like the part you're having a problem with be cause this so foriegn to you. Maybe take sometime and think about if this is something you are really willing to live with. If not, you aren't doing anyone any favors by draging the relationship out.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
PearlsandWhirls
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Its hard to be understanding of the way he is approaching the situation. I see it as a quick fix, mind over matter, do what you want kind of thing, and he sees it as "as long as I quit smoking by the time I'm 30 I'm good" (he's 28) everything for him is someday, I will, I should, I want to. What does it take to get him to actually do what he says?!
coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:50 AM
2 moms liked this
Have you tried Al-A-Non meetings? It sounds like you might benefit from talking to others.

He is working hard to stay sober and it's working. Don't get on his case to do it your way, his way is working for him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
brebugmom91
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:53 AM
2 moms liked this
1. Back off. Sounds like you're being to clingy.

2. Yes he can stay sober. Its possible.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Miller0305
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:55 AM
2 moms liked this

I wouldn't marry him, but that's just me.  I could never 100% trust a recovering addict.  Marriage is hard enough without throwing the chance of relapse into the mix, and it's not something I's want children exposed to.

kidlover2
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:56 AM
2 moms liked this
My SO is an alcoholic that has been clean for 18 years. He is an amazing man and I adore him to pieces. Only you can make a judgment call on your relationship. If you hold his past mistakes against him, walk away now.
Oh and my SO still attends AA meetings every week.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN