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What do you do when you and DH have different feelings on important things?

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I take my DHs respect for me very seriously, I want nothing more than to be the amazing woman he deserves.

My brother has a gf and their morals and values are different than mine and DHs. I have limited my and my children's time with them because I don't want them to have a huge influence on the kids. My DH hardly sees them because he just really can't stand especially the gf. He sees them just on holidays. They live with my parents so I see them a little more often but they all just moved a bit further away so I tend to meet my parents out or they come to my kids' events.

Anyway, the gf just had a baby very very early. He is in the nicu at a hospital fairly close to us. The gf is staying with him, my brother has been there but has to go back to work.

I understand DH not wanting me to visit too often (he has not said a negative word about me visiting, I just know him) and to not get too attached to the baby or build too close of a bond with the mom.

I feel like visiting a couple times a week and bringing something when I do is the right thing to do for family despite our differences (there is really a ton of history, I have had so many people ask why I even talk to my family after what they put me through...I have a lot of reasons and I can share any of that if anyone wants to know more).

I want to stand up for what I feel is right but at the same time I don't want DH to change his opinion of me. He has thought every time I rebuild a relationship with my family they have done more to hurt me, it's very true and every time I think it will be different. But I feel like I need to try, I need to see this baby while he is growing. I may not be a huge part of his life after he leaves the hospital but I could at least say I was there when I could be.

Any advice? What would you do? Please take into consideration that DH doesn't really want me around them bc it's very hard for him to see me hurt over and over again. And he is always there for me when things fall apart.
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by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:03 AM
Replies (11-12):
by Ruby Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:01 PM
For Christmas 2011, my Christmas gift to my nieces was a day out. I took them to Carlo's Bakery (from Cake Boss) which is about an hour and a half away. Yesterday we went to my older niece's basketball game. My brother was there, I said hello and goodbye to him and watched the game. My parents watch my nieces a bit so we see them then too. Next Monday schools are closed for President's Day and my parents are watching them so we'll probably all go bowling or to the movies.

As much as I don't along with my brother, we don't have trust issues to taking the girls somewhere isn't a problem. He wouldn't think to invite my kids anywhere but if he did, it would be fine.

I have a Goddaughter I hardly ever see in GA (I'm in PA). I send her cards, post on her FB, have the kids send her pictures and drawings. We hardly see her but she knows we care and love her.

Quoting TJandKarasMom:

So how do you go about fostering a relationship between the cousins while keeping your distance from the brother? I won't leave my kids alone with my brother or the gf, and I can't spend too long with them either lol. So what do you do? How do you get to know your nieces and nephews?

Quoting coolmommy2x:

My brother and DH can't stand each other (frankly I'm not a huge fan either) but that has no bearing on my relationship with my nieces or my kids' relationship with their cousins.

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by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:23 AM
I can relate but my issue is my stepdad I want a relationship with my mom despite our differences she is my mom but I always get hurt an than my mom an I end up not talking for months. Sometimes years my brothers are much younger than me they are teens one of my brothers is very ill and constantly in an out of the hospital I feel bad I can't be there but I know it would only be a problem an cause arguments between me an my family so I stay out of it an spend my time with my mom only she does let me talk on the phone to my brothers an I send pics of my son they send me pics as well it hurts sometimes deeply this is how it is but it is best for everyone and I still have some relationship with my brothers and mom although I am the only one to ever apologize for the past and let things go to keep peace in my family but I keep my distance an my son distant I don't want him hurt by my family or thinking their actions are acceptable at all.

Quoting TJandKarasMom:

Thank you. DH feels the same way. He asks why I feel like I even have to go at all. I can't explain why, I guess because I still think family is important and it's the right thing to do even if I don't feel my family is true to the word, if that makes sense.

Quoting Hani_Mommy:

I don't think you should feel obligated to even be there just because of their situation.

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