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The Terrible Reality of V-day

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 12:31 AM
  • 55 Replies
Things haven't been going well for since I got pregnant with my daughter (now 6 months old). I learned that all my long distance friends weren't really friends, and that my husband isn't who I need him to be.

So, because I've been having trouble with feeling depressed, under appreciated, and ignored, I told him that he needed to do something nice for me this week. It didn't need to be on the 14th. I told him because I know he wouldn't have done anything if I didn't say it. I told him how I felt.

I had two rules: no chocolate and no flowers. I later added no Valentine's Day card. I didn't want this to be about V Day. I wanted it to be about me.

And as if to just shove in my face everything that is wrong right now, how I feel like he never listens to me and expects me to just handle it all, he got me truffles (I'm borderline diabetic after our daughter and trying so hard to lose the 30lbs I still have) and a gift certificate to a cheap massage place. I have to book the appointment. I felt so dejected. I don't need a gift card. I have a flippin' credit card for cripes sake. If I could book my own massage, I would have by now!

But I'm too busy raising our daughter. I have no family nearby, no friends. I'm too busy make him special treats like crepes and homemade Chocolate Chip Calzones. Leaving him notes that say things like You are loved.

I feel like he doesn't listen to me on a daily basis. I'm not even sure I love him anymore. I'm exhausted all the time and so depressed I'd be thinking about suicide if I didn't have to live for my daughter. I've told him so many times. And nothing.

Who can I turn to when I can't even count on my partner? I feel betrayed. From bloody chocolates. Special truffles. Because he can't listen to the words coming out of my mouth.
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by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 12:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ditsyjo
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 1:57 AM
3 moms liked this

that is just men... sometimes they have good intentions but they don't always get it...he did make an effort that's something.. not what you hoped for I know... but try to give him credit for trying.

frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:19 AM
1 mom liked this

See if he will get you a personal trainer instead to help your weight loss journey.  Talk to a professional about the depression and all the feelings you believe are not heard when you speak  to husband.  I didnt get a card or gift from my guy but that was just due to nothing appealing to me.  I dont eat chocolates, flowers die , etc.  He took me out to breakfast at a local place instead.

I agree with ditsy that he at least tried.  He may have thought that a massage would help you relax and didnt want to schedule it since you do have a 6 month old who you would need to find someone to watch during the massage.

athenapallas87
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:21 AM
I tried. But it's hard to give credit for "the thought" when what I wanted was some proof that when I say something, he's listening. I wanted some thought going into this, not relying on what "people" get their significant others on this holiday. He didn't try hard enough. He made me sad and angry. I can't say at least he tried when those are the real emotions that came out of this. I wish I could. I want to tell myself it's not the worst thing ever. But I can't just keep ignoring my feelings just because they're negative.
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ditsyjo
by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:48 AM

 

I do understand that... and you are entitled to your feelings all of them, but if you only dwell on the negative you will have trouble ever feeling better. and if your feeling of depression continue maybe you should talk to your doctor... 6 months out from having your baby...it could be post partum depression

Quoting athenapallas87:

I tried. But it's hard to give credit for "the thought" when what I wanted was some proof that when I say something, he's listening. I wanted some thought going into this, not relying on what "people" get their significant others on this holiday. He didn't try hard enough. He made me sad and angry. I can't say at least he tried when those are the real emotions that came out of this. I wish I could. I want to tell myself it's not the worst thing ever. But I can't just keep ignoring my feelings just because they're negative.


 

athenapallas87
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:56 AM
I'm not like women who except their men to read their minds. I started talking to him about needing a cheap massage or facial 5 months ago. For a special spa treat, I showed him 3 local options with ranging prices. I bookmarked them so he wouldn't have to remember. He would watch our daughter. I detailed this out. But I use my time unpacking from our move (because I'm the only one who does it--I packed everything and I have to unpack it as well) and trying to catch up on errands. Not booking massages.

I can't do a personal trainer, because we can't afford it, and I breastfeed (no bottles or pumping and she eats often). I am too tired most days to do more than the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and baby care to exercise. Our insurance doesn't cover therapy. We are not rolling in money that I can use to just solve the problem that listening to me when I speak is just too difficult somehow.
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athenapallas87
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:06 AM
My doctor retired in December, I'm still in insurance limbo transferring over to husband's which doesn't cover psychiatric care, and post partum depression starts, you know, POST partum. I'm afraid it's regular old depression. It began in my pregnancy and just can't get better. I've asked for help (husband, mother, "friends") but no one wants the task.


Quoting ditsyjo:

 


I do understand that... and you are entitled to your feelings all of them, but if you only dwell on the negative you will have trouble ever feeling better. and if your feeling of depression continue maybe you should talk to your doctor... 6 months out from having your baby...it could be post partum depression


Quoting athenapallas87:

I tried. But it's hard to give credit for "the thought" when what I wanted was some proof that when I say something, he's listening. I wanted some thought going into this, not relying on what "people" get their significant others on this holiday. He didn't try hard enough. He made me sad and angry. I can't say at least he tried when those are the real emotions that came out of this. I wish I could. I want to tell myself it's not the worst thing ever. But I can't just keep ignoring my feelings just because they're negative.



 


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Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:12 AM
3 moms liked this
Jesus. So you told him you wanted something nice. If you have to tell him to do something nice for you, how is that caring or thoughtful?

Instead you should hve told him that after the kid(s) go to bed one night you would love to stay up with him and watch a movie together and just spend some quality time together. Make it about him, as well.

Telling a guy he has to get you something, will get you nothing but butthurt.

Look at it from a totally different perspective. Do something that has to do with connecting with him as your husband. Making him do things out of obligation isn't a true gesture of love.
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athenapallas87
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:23 AM
Not everyone automatically thinks of doing things to show they care, even if they do. He's not great at knowing when he needs to do a gesture of love, and I don't expect him to read my mind. That's why I tell/told him.

We watch movies together. That's not what I wanted. And make it about him too? I planned 4 different special treats that are his favorites and put loving notes for him to find. Don't tell me I need to do more to make it about him too. I try to be the change I want to see. All it's doing is making me more depressed that he can't even just listen to what I've said.

Also, I hate the excuse that "men" are somehow all allowed to fail at gifts because they're men. That's bullshit.


Quoting Paperfishies:

Jesus. So you told him you wanted something nice. If you have to tell him to do something nice for you, how is that caring or thoughtful?



Instead you should hve told him that after the kid(s) go to bed one night you would love to stay up with him and watch a movie together and just spend some quality time together. Make it about him, as well.



Telling a guy he has to get you something, will get you nothing but butthurt.



Look at it from a totally different perspective. Do something that has to do with connecting with him as your husband. Making him do things out of obligation isn't a true gesture of love.

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candice0521
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 3:26 AM

my husband and I a couple of years ago went to counseling because of the same issues, he just didn't seem to listen to anything I said and he said I was not helping anything by being in a bad mood all the time which made him not want to hear anything I would say because to him I was just nagging. It helped a lot. Goodluck!

Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 4:44 AM
5 moms liked this
You sound like a superficial cry baby.

Telling someone to buy you a gift or telling someone to do something nice for you, is like making a child apologize. They're just doing it because they're made to, they don't mean anything nice by it because they're being forced.

How could you possibly feel good about him getting you something when you basically forced him to? A gift should come from the heart, not out of obligation because your wife is forcing you to do so.

A massage is a really nice and thoughtful gift, especially since he knows you're stressed. Honestly if you were my wife, I would divorce your ass. You basically spit on the gift he gave you, something YOU forced him into. You can't force a nice gesture, it will never add up to the expectations

If you can't find happiness within yourself, you will never be happy with anything your husband does for you..

Quoting athenapallas87:

Not everyone automatically thinks of doing things to show they care, even if they do. He's not great at knowing when he needs to do a gesture of love, and I don't expect him to read my mind. That's why I tell/told him.



We watch movies together. That's not what I wanted. And make it about him too? I planned 4 different special treats that are his favorites and put loving notes for him to find. Don't tell me I need to do more to make it about him too. I try to be the change I want to see. All it's doing is making me more depressed that he can't even just listen to what I've said.



Also, I hate the excuse that "men" are somehow all allowed to fail at gifts because they're men. That's bullshit.



Quoting Paperfishies:

Jesus. So you told him you wanted something nice. If you have to tell him to do something nice for you, how is that caring or thoughtful?





Instead you should hve told him that after the kid(s) go to bed one night you would love to stay up with him and watch a movie together and just spend some quality time together. Make it about him, as well.





Telling a guy he has to get you something, will get you nothing but butthurt.





Look at it from a totally different perspective. Do something that has to do with connecting with him as your husband. Making him do things out of obligation isn't a true gesture of love.




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