I Have Such Overwhelming Sadness & Feel So Ridiculous
As most of you know, my mom passed away last year. In fact, it will be one year on the 28th.
I really thought that I was doing okay. Not great, but learning to put one foot in front of the other and figure out how to exist in a world without my mom.
Last week I had a complete melt down on my husband. I threw the car in park, got out and started walking. Lucky for me, my husband is incredibly patient and crawled the car next to me while I refused to get in. Finally he stopped the car ahead of me, got out & said "just stop". Not in an angry way, but in a very gentle and kind way.
I broke emotionally at that moment. I began to cry and complain about feeling unappreciated, tired of fighting with my own health issues, tired of feeling like I am constantly just trying to keep up with life. As I peeled everything away one thing came flying out... I miss my mom. She was the one I talked to about everything - the good, the bad, the crazy, etc., and I have had no one to do that with this year.
I was overcome with chest aching sobs of deep and utter despair was I told this to my husband. He literally sat on the sidewalk next to our car with me while I sobbed uncontrollably. When I was finally done he told me something I hadn't even realized... That was the first time I truly had allowed myself to mourn the loss of my mom. I have spent the last year making sure my kids were okay, my dad was okay, I had to get back to work (where I am a care taker). I worked so hard at being all things to all people I left no room for me. I built a wall around my heart so I could talk freely about my mom's illness and death, but never allowed myself to feel it emotionally.
Now, a year later I am suddenly dealing with this utter sadness as a true realization sinks into my heart that should have become real a long time ago. My mom is gone... really gone... and she is never coming back.
I feel so stupid and childish that it has taken me a year to finally grieve.