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I Have Such Overwhelming Sadness & Feel So Ridiculous

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:30 PM
  • 19 Replies

As most of you know, my mom passed away last year. In fact, it will be one year on the 28th. 

I really thought that I was doing okay. Not great, but learning to put one foot in front of the other and figure out how to exist in a world without my mom. 

Last week I had a complete melt down on my husband. I threw the car in park, got out and started walking. Lucky for me, my husband is incredibly patient and crawled the car next to me while I refused to get in. Finally he stopped the car ahead of me, got out & said "just stop". Not in an angry way, but in a very gentle and kind way.

I broke emotionally at that moment. I began to cry and complain about feeling unappreciated, tired of fighting with my own health issues, tired of feeling like I am constantly just trying to keep up with life. As I peeled everything away one thing came flying out... I miss my mom. She was the one I talked to about everything - the good, the bad, the crazy, etc., and I have had no one to do that with this year. 

I was overcome with chest aching sobs of deep and utter despair was I told this to my husband. He literally sat on the sidewalk next to our car with me while I sobbed uncontrollably. When I was finally done he told me something I hadn't even realized... That was the first time I truly had allowed myself to mourn the loss of my mom. I have spent the last year making sure my kids were okay, my dad was okay, I had to get back to work (where I am a care taker). I worked so hard at being all things to all people I left no room for me. I built a wall around my heart so I could talk freely about my mom's illness and death, but never allowed myself to feel it emotionally.  

Now, a year later I am suddenly dealing with this utter sadness as a true realization sinks into my heart that should have become real a long time ago. My mom is gone... really gone... and she is never coming back.

I feel so stupid and childish that it has taken me a year to finally grieve.    

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
specialwingz
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:32 PM

We all grieve differently and at different times and paces.  There is nothing "stupid" about it at all.  I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

hugs

ColieO
by I Rock on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:32 PM
2 moms liked this
Tears can be healing. Let it out. It's not stupid or childish. I'm so sorry she's gone. I might sound crazy, but i do believe our loved ones watch out for us and are with us even when we can't see them.
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graybealgirl
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:33 PM
This post made me cry hugs
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graybealgirl
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:33 PM
This post made me cry hugs
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Mommytoaangel
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Hugs pm me if u ever want Feb 05 was 2 months since my identical twins passed away hugs again sorry for ur loss
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tansyflower
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:34 PM
2 moms liked this

stupid and childish because you miss your mother?  no sweety.  thats not stupid or childish.  you were just trying to keep it together and grieving your mothers passing is totally normal.  you loved her.  you miss her.  and its okay to cry about it.

(((hugs)))

JLo1486
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:35 PM
1 mom liked this
You are not childish for that. Not one bit.
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ditsyjo
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:42 PM

It's ok...you are just the caretaker in your family... every family has one...but sadly the care taker feels like they  have to keep it together until eveyrone else is ok...so you put off your grieving... now ou can finall start to heal.

HouseKatof2
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:44 PM

Thanks for the support ladies. It does make me feel better to know that people understand.  

I just feel like most people would look at me and think I was crazy. Like - She has been gone a year and you just know figured out she isn't coming back? 

trainlady
by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 9:47 AM

Depending on the person it can take several years or more to finally break down and really mourn the loss of someone near and dear. You at least are realizing that this is what your problem is and that in itself is a milestone toward accepting the loss. You have the best person in your life there to help you, your Husband. Lean on him and let him be a part of your despair. He sounds like a really great guy that understands what you are going through. Don't pretend that the sadness is not there. Share it with him and let him help you through it. You will love him more and he will love and take care of you more. I'm sorry for your Mom's passing but all of us go through it. I lost my beloved Father a long time ago and it took me a long time to get through it. Everywhere I looked I saw his picture or someone who looked like him or something made me remember. My husband was so good with me too. He knew my father and knew how close we had been. He was my crutch and I leaned on him when I needed it. When his mom passed it was my turn to be his crutch. Hang in there you will come to terms with it and remember all the beautiful things about your mother instead of sadness.

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