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Should we tell BM?

Posted by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 10:07 PM
  • 11 Replies
1 mom liked this

SS told us today that he has been very upset over the fact that, although BM has the ability to be, she is not very involved in his life. He said he wishes she would call instead of text, visit, invite him to visit her, etc.

We have already stopped the texting and told BM that if she would like to talk to SS she can CALL Dh's phone. We feel that the texting is unhealthy because it doesn't promote a "bond" and it is also confusing for an 11 year old to identify tone and interpret any sort of sarcasm, etc.

SS is 11. BM has been absent since he was 2. She was released from prison in June after a 3 year sentence. DH and I married when SS was almost 3.

Do we tell BM what he said? OR do we simply help him accept that she will NEVER change and find a way to live with that.

 

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by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 10:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jconney80
by Gold Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 10:47 PM

I'm a little lost on what's going on. I think I would let him figure things out for himself and just set boundaries so that he isn't getting confused with texting etc. I do agree that isn't healthy for him.

JJJMommyKris
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 10:54 PM
I don't think telling her would change anything. I would just set boundaries and help him deal. Let him know that just because she doesn't love him the way he needs her to, that doesn't mean she doesn't love him. Some people just can't express it the way we need. But he is in luck cause he has you and dh too.
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Reina13
by Silver Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 12:17 PM

I completely agree with this.

Quoting JJJMommyKris:

I don't think telling her would change anything. I would just set boundaries and help him deal. Let him know that just because she doesn't love him the way he needs her to, that doesn't mean she doesn't love him. Some people just can't express it the way we need. But he is in luck cause he has you and dh too.


catrig
by Silver Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 1:26 PM

You can try.  I don't know that it would help.

LancesMom
by Ruby Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:29 AM
I agree too! Also, why can't he initiate the phone call? If he is not allowed to text, can he just call her when he feels like it? Let him know if he feels the need to go ahead and make the call?
Quoting JJJMommyKris:

I don't think telling her would change anything. I would just set boundaries and help him deal. Let him know that just because she doesn't love him the way he needs her to, that doesn't mean she doesn't love him. Some people just can't express it the way we need. But he is in luck cause he has you and dh too.
specialwingz
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:37 AM

It's not you that needs to tell her.  It's your SS that needs to do the talking.  Coming from you, she will simply think it is what YOU want.  He needs to learn to talk to her if he wants her to talk to him.

My DD and SIL have custody of his 10 yr old DD.  She has been in our lives since she was 18 mos old.  She is our little princess.  But, she has had similar issues that you speak of.  My DD and SIL can talk till they are blue in the face and get nothing accomplished.  Once they started letting her voice her own opinions to BM, there have been some better results.  Mind you I said SOME. BM sometimes thinks that DD and SIL put things in her head to say.  But, DGD has voiced her opinions to me.  And, they are certainly ALL hers!  LOL.

But, I'd suggest you have SS start speaking up with his thoughts to his BM.  He's 11 yrs old and is old enough to start expressing himself.

Christy_517
by Invisible on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:40 AM
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My SIL died last year. Her son had been raised by his father and step mother because of some lifestyle choices (drinking, drugs, etc) but my SIL raised my niece. When my SIL was in the hospital in a coma, her son was notified. He declined the invitation to come say goodbye before we removed life support and donated the few viable organs she had. He also did not attend her funeral and when it came out that she had a life insurance policy through her work, and both he and my niece were beneficiaries, he signed forms to allow my niece to keep the entire amount. His reasoning was that she wasn't his mother, his SM was. He felt it would be pointless to say goodbye because he already had as a child. He said it would be wrong to keep any money, because he no longer felt like she was his mother. So the moral of the story is, if you're a good mother to him like my "nephew's" was to him, he will figure that out on his own and be just fine. It sounds like BM is making almost no effort. Just be the best mom to him you can be.
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JoshRachelsMAMA
by JRM on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:42 AM
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Every time I see "BM", the term " bowel movement immediately comes to mind.
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alisheamonet33
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:43 AM

though i dont think telling her will change anything i would bring it to her attention how he feels just so she cant say that she dont know how he feels.

Marimaru
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:38 PM

I would encourage him to say something, but I would also begin the lesson that you can't change anyone else, you can only change how you handle things, and help him deal with his feelings.  Telling my dad to be more involved made no difference at all.

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