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What Would You Think? (Boyfriend says wrong name during something sexual)

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:23 AM
  • 14 Replies

So, I need to know what you all would make of this/do in this situation.

Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend. We have been together about a year and a half. We have never had any type of sexual relations yet. The most we've done is kissing/making out. We want to take things really slowly. I was married before I met him, and he has been married twice. He has kids with both of his ex wives, and I have kids with my ex husband. He and his 2nd wife got divorced almost 4 years ago, and they haven't even talked in 3 years. I won't go into a lot of details, but it was a bad break up, and they never really saw eye-to-eye on anything. She has kept their kids from him, and he has been fighting with the courts and her about getting to see them. Anyway, he talks about her quite often...I would say at least a couple of times a week, but it's always bad things. He talks about how they never got along, had nothing in common, all she did was nag and complain, never appreciated him, wasn't that good in bed, etc. The list goes on and on. He's also always comparing me to her, but in a good way. Like, "Oh, I am so glad that you are in to vacationing because she never was." or "I'm glad that you like that idea because she never gave it a chance". Anyway, he has never had anything nice to say about her except that she gave him two sons. I know him well enough to know that he's being honest with me, and that he feels nothing for her...at least nothing positive, but, here's the thing. Last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about something sexual that he wanted to try with me when the time is right, and he was getting really in to it, really detailed, and he said that he has masterbated to this thought, and then told me about a conversation that we have during his thought, and there is a part where I start to interupt what he is doing and he said, "No, (insert ex-wife's name here)". And he immediately knew that he screwed up because I just sat there, and he was like, "Oh, no, that was a set up, I was just kidding. I wanted to see if you'd catch it." And I could tell that he was embarrassed. And I said, "Wow...that really hurt." Then we just kind of let it go. I told him that I forgive him and it's not something that we need to dwell on, but my feelings will still be hurt for a bit because I don't understand why he would even say her name. I mean, I would understand if we were fighting and he yelled at me but said her name, because he's always talking about hating her and being angry with her, but during something sexual? I would think that the only reason for a name slip would be if you were thinking about the person who's name you said (which, why would you if you hate them?) or that was the last person that you were with and it was for a long time, so you just got used to it. The problem with the last one is that yes, she was the last person that he was sexual with, but it was 4.5 years ago, and he hasn't talked to her in 3 years, so I would think that he wouldn't be slipping up like that anymore. Also, this has never happened before.

And, before you ask..NO, there is no possibilty that he is sleeping with anyone else, or talking to his ex of anything. And I do trust him. I am just trying to figure out why this may have happened. I am really, really hurt by it. I am not angry. I just feel betrayed in a way I guess. What should I do? What should I think?

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:23 AM
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xtwistedxlovex
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:34 AM
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He argued with her a lot, yes? So it's not unlikely he just defaulted to her name because he became so used to her interrupting and arguing with him and it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

ETA: By the way, this part is really unclear to me:

Last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about something sexual that he wanted to try with me when the time is right, and he was getting really in to it, really detailed, and he said that he has masterbated to this thought, and then told me about a conversation that we have during his thought, and there is a part where I start to interupt what he is doing and he said, "No, (insert ex-wife's name here)".

So in this fantasy you're having a conversation...you interrupted what he was saying in reality, or in the fantasy? Because my possible explanation makes sense for you actually interrupting him, but not so much for 'fantasy you' interrupting.

tansyflower
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:38 AM
Just let it go. If you told him you wouldnt dwell on it then dont!
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KelseyLynn
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:43 AM

 


Quoting xtwistedxlovex:

He argued with her a lot, yes? So it's not unlikely he just defaulted to her name because he became so used to her interrupting and arguing with him and it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

ETA: By the way, this part is really unclear to me:

Last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about something sexual that he wanted to try with me when the time is right, and he was getting really in to it, really detailed, and he said that he has masterbated to this thought, and then told me about a conversation that we have during his thought, and there is a part where I start to interupt what he is doing and he said, "No, (insert ex-wife's name here)".

So in this fantasy you're having a conversation...you interrupted what he was saying in reality, or in the fantasy? Because my possible explanation makes sense for you actually interrupting him, but not so much for 'fantasy you' interrupting.

No, I didn't interupt him in real life. He was talking to me about this fantasy that he has about waking me up by going down on me, and in the fantasy, I wake up and am surprised, so I say something like, "What are you doing?" but he imterupts me and says, "No, just enjoy it." But instead of saying "No, Kelsey, just enjoy it" he says his ex wife's name.

 

alli1204
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:50 AM
2 moms liked this
Maybe he's already done this with his ex (wgen they were together, as a couple) and was just reliving it, pretending it was a fantasy???
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KelseyLynn
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:52 AM

 I thought that was a possibility. But, I would hope that if he was saying that it is a fantasy for him to do to me, he would be thinking about me at the time and not her.


Quoting alli1204:

Maybe he's already done this with his ex (wgen they were together, as a couple) and was just reliving it, pretending it was a fantasy???


 

KelseyLynn
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:55 AM

He spent the rest of the night telling me how sorry he was and how awful he felt. I believe him, but it still sucks.

alli1204
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:56 AM
Maybe he thinks of her bc they've been together sexually before. NOT bashing y'all. I think there's nothing wrong with y'all not doing it, but maybe since she's familiar he thinks of her????


Quoting KelseyLynn:

 I thought that was a possibility. But, I would hope that if he was saying that it is a fantasy for him to do to me, he would be thinking about me at the time and not her.




Quoting alli1204:

Maybe he's already done this with his ex (wgen they were together, as a couple) and was just reliving it, pretending it was a fantasy???



 


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xtwistedxlovex
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:01 AM

Oh...well, that's a little off. But it could still have to do with her interrupting him during arguments...or it could be that this is one of those things she didn't like but he did. I doubt he would want to talk about their sex life with you, after all, so you wouldn't likely be privy to those sorts of details.

Relationships have a way of scarring people far more deeply than you'd expect. If this was a particularly terrible one, and since he talks negatively about it all of the time, he may be hauling an awful lot of 'emotional baggage' around with him constantly. She probably left a deep impression on him, and it's going to take some time for your good impression to override that. Bad things almost always outweigh the good in most people's minds. I'd say you're probably going to have to be patient with him, but eventually his thoughts of how awful she was will be replaced (maybe not entirely, but in large part) with how great you are. In the meantime, there may be more slip-ups.

Also, there's a good chance he's just as confused about why he made the slip as you are. He likely wasn't thinking of her at all, at least not actively - but maybe had some thought flit through the back of his mind about how he could never have had this conversation with her, or something of the sort, and that made her name come out. It's not uncommon for people to become tongue-tied that way.

Quoting KelseyLynn:



Quoting xtwistedxlovex:

He argued with her a lot, yes? So it's not unlikely he just defaulted to her name because he became so used to her interrupting and arguing with him and it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

ETA: By the way, this part is really unclear to me:

Last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about something sexual that he wanted to try with me when the time is right, and he was getting really in to it, really detailed, and he said that he has masterbated to this thought, and then told me about a conversation that we have during his thought, and there is a part where I start to interupt what he is doing and he said, "No, (insert ex-wife's name here)".

So in this fantasy you're having a conversation...you interrupted what he was saying in reality, or in the fantasy? Because my possible explanation makes sense for you actually interrupting him, but not so much for 'fantasy you' interrupting.

No, I didn't interupt him in real life. He was talking to me about this fantasy that he has about waking me up by going down on me, and in the fantasy, I wake up and am surprised, so I say something like, "What are you doing?" but he imterupts me and says, "No, just enjoy it." But instead of saying "No, Kelsey, just enjoy it" he says his ex wife's name.



KelseyLynn
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:09 AM

 

Actually, he has talked to me about their sex life. He is very spontaneous (sp?), and she was not. They didn't like any of the same things. She always wanted him to pull out. She did not like oral sex..giving or receiving. He described her vagina in detail to me, just because it is 'ugly and weird looking'. My keyboard is screwing up or I would type more, but basically, their sex life was no good.

Quoting xtwistedxlovex:

Oh...well, that's a little off. But it could still have to do with her interrupting him during arguments...or it could be that this is one of those things she didn't like but he did. I doubt he would want to talk about their sex life with you, after all, so you wouldn't likely be privy to those sorts of details.

Relationships have a way of scarring people far more deeply than you'd expect. If this was a particularly terrible one, and since he talks negatively about it all of the time, he may be hauling an awful lot of 'emotional baggage' around with him constantly. She probably left a deep impression on him, and it's going to take some time for your good impression to override that. Bad things almost always outweigh the good in most people's minds. I'd say you're probably going to have to be patient with him, but eventually his thoughts of how awful she was will be replaced (maybe not entirely, but in large part) with how great you are. In the meantime, there may be more slip-ups.

Also, there's a good chance he's just as confused about why he made the slip as you are. He likely wasn't thinking of her at all, at least not actively - but maybe had some thought flit through the back of his mind about how he could never have had this conversation with her, or something of the sort, and that made her name come out. It's not uncommon for people to become tongue-tied that way.

Quoting KelseyLynn:

 

 

Quoting xtwistedxlovex:

He argued with her a lot, yes? So it's not unlikely he just defaulted to her name because he became so used to her interrupting and arguing with him and it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

ETA: By the way, this part is really unclear to me:

Last night, we were talking, and he was telling me about something sexual that he wanted to try with me when the time is right, and he was getting really in to it, really detailed, and he said that he has masterbated to this thought, and then told me about a conversation that we have during his thought, and there is a part where I start to interupt what he is doing and he said, "No, (insert ex-wife's name here)".

So in this fantasy you're having a conversation...you interrupted what he was saying in reality, or in the fantasy? Because my possible explanation makes sense for you actually interrupting him, but not so much for 'fantasy you' interrupting.

No, I didn't interupt him in real life. He was talking to me about this fantasy that he has about waking me up by going down on me, and in the fantasy, I wake up and am surprised, so I say something like, "What are you doing?" but he imterupts me and says, "No, just enjoy it." But instead of saying "No, Kelsey, just enjoy it" he says his ex wife's name.

 



 

xtwistedxlovex
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:27 AM

Oh...well, I have two thoughts on that.

1) Her making an act he likes "off limits" probably made it much more desirable to him. Sort of like how going on a diet makes junk food substantially more appealing. This may not normally have been a fantasy of his, but being denied such a simple thing turned it into one.

2) He may very well have been thinking about the fact that she didn't allow it, he couldn't have lived that fantasy with her or couldn't have had that discussion with her. Maybe he even somewhat realizes that he wants this so badly because it's something he enjoys but has had to abstain from for a very long time. That could be where the "no, just enjoy it" line comes from.

Either way, I think the slip does relate to how they couldn't seem to get along/agree on anything, especially since his conversation thus far has had so much focus on things that he liked and she didn't. He wants something, she wouldn't have wanted it, and it's awesome to him that you want the same things he does - but in thinking about how great it is that you do agree, he involuntarily also thinks about the fact that she didn't.

Quoting KelseyLynn:


Actually, he has talked to me about their sex life. He is very spontaneous (sp?), and she was not. They didn't like any of the same things. She always wanted him to pull out. She did not like oral sex..giving or receiving. He described her vagina in detail to me, just because it is 'ugly and weird looking'. My keyboard is screwing up or I would type more, but basically, their sex life was no good.






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