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MIL Is Coming For A Visit Today....*sigh*

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:37 AM
  • 29 Replies

This is going to be a bit long, so just bare with me....

My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor. By doing this, it has helped us communicate better with one another and, essentially, brought us closer. Our marriage is a great deal better as a result.

DH and I both have some issues with MIL (his mom). She'll say some pretty inappropriate things to me about DH and then turn around and do the same thing to him (say bad things about me), but to each of our faces, she'll act like our BFF.

For example, she told me that when she and FIL were divorcing, her lawyer advised her to say, if the judge asked, that FIL was a bad father. She then said, "I'm just telling you this because if you say the other person is a good father in something like that, then they have a chance of getting custody of the child(ren)...and I'm just going to leave it at that." She said this when DH and I were having issues and contemplating divorce. She was basically insinuating that I say DH is a horrible father (which he isn't).

She told DH (when he was venting to her about a fight we had when things were bad between us), "It's not like she has guys waiting in line to date her anyhow..." That shit irked me because she always says that she loves me and considers me one of her best friends.

When it comes to our son, she'll slip sometimes and call herself "mama" to him. She sometimes corrects herself...sometimes she doesn't.

The last time she was here, anytime I would try to discipline my son, she would cut me off and try to start disciplining him. She believes that my son walks all over me and that DH needs to be the firm hand in the household, when in reality, DS listens to me over anyone else, he's more calm around me, and I am basically the boss in the house. Since DH is military, I'm the constant in our son's life. Anyway, when she was trying to discipline our son, she said something like, "Jeffrey, don't do that...daddy is going to have to discipline you when he gets home..." I turned around and said, "Daddy doesn't do the disciplining. Mommy is the boss in this house." She didn't talk to me for like an hour after that.

Anyway, she went down to Florida to visit with BIL before he deployed (I wont even get into that business). She's coming back up here today before she heads home (we're in Georgia) and she's staying a few days.

Now, our counselor has suggested that we sit MIL down and have a talk about all of this so there is nothing left hanging...communicate with her. We fully intend on doing this...but just aren't sure when to do it. I told my husband it needs to be done tonight or tomorrow night. I want to sit down after DS is in bed so that there is no distraction. The reason I'm not sure on when to talk to her is because when things start to get tense, she'll be passive aggressive and then retreat and say she's tired...but she's really not.

I guess I'm just asking advice on what you ladies think is the best approach. I plan on writing out something today with all the points we want to cover so that our thoughts are organized when we sit down with her.

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
navywife2377
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:42 AM
1 mom liked this
Honestly i would tell her it's not a good time for her to come. I would work on my marriage before I thought about letting another problem come in. That's just what I would do.
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coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:43 AM
1 mom liked this
I would do as you planned...talk to her after DS is asleep. I would start with letting her know you and DH are a team and if she doesn't respect that, she can leave and not come back until she can. By starting with that, if she claims to be tired and goes to bed, at least she knows how you feel and what you won't tolerate. Good luck!
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lcappytan05
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:47 AM

We tried that. We have only been back in the states for about 2.5 months (moved from Germany). We didn't even have our household goods yet and she came down to visit even though I told her OVER AND OVER that it wasn't a good time to come. She drove the 10-12 hours and came anyway. She only stayed a day because she got mad at my husband about something. Instead of talking to him, she decided to leave at like midnight to go home.

She then came down again a couple weeks ago on her way down to FL to see BIL. She stayed for a few days then before heading there. The thing with that, BIL is getting married and he rarely sees his fiancee as is. He's an officer in the AF and he's special forces. Rather than giving BIL alone time with his fiancee before deploying, she went down there and planted herself right in the middle and gave them no alone time. Now she's coming back up here...despite what we say to her about it not being a good time. She doesn't listen.

AND DH and I just can't turn her away...that's his mom and I would feel so guilty about it.

Quoting navywife2377:

Honestly i would tell her it's not a good time for her to come. I would work on my marriage before I thought about letting another problem come in. That's just what I would do.


lcappytan05
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:49 AM

That was one of the main things our counselor had brought up...We should present ourselves as one, a team, and what anyone else thinks of our relationship doesn't matter. I guess I'm just wondering if we should do it tonight or wait until tomorrow night. I know tonight would be ideal though.

Quoting coolmommy2x:

I would do as you planned...talk to her after DS is asleep. I would start with letting her know you and DH are a team and if she doesn't respect that, she can leave and not come back until she can. By starting with that, if she claims to be tired and goes to bed, at least she knows how you feel and what you won't tolerate. Good luck!


kimber2465
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:53 AM

i think i would make an appointment with your counselor for all of you. that way she couldn't leave. everything will be out.

navywife2377
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:54 AM
I would make sure you talk with her before she settles in so she knows up front.


Quoting lcappytan05:

That was one of the main things our counselor had brought up...We should present ourselves as one, a team, and what anyone else thinks of our relationship doesn't matter. I guess I'm just wondering if we should do it tonight or wait until tomorrow night. I know tonight would be ideal though.

Quoting coolmommy2x:

I would do as you planned...talk to her after DS is asleep. I would start with letting her know you and DH are a team and if she doesn't respect that, she can leave and not come back until she can. By starting with that, if she claims to be tired and goes to bed, at least she knows how you feel and what you won't tolerate. Good luck!



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lcappytan05
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:57 AM

I thought about that, but our counselor is extremely busy. Her schedule is packed with individual appointments, couples counseling, and group therapy. She's a very busy woman. She sees us once every 2 weeks...and even though we are doing wonderful, we still go to her to make sure we are keeping the communication lines open...there are also some things that happened with my husband, so it's beneficial that we see someone in order to deal with that as well as a family. Anyway, this is why the majority of our last session was devoted to how to deal with MIL.

Quoting kimber2465:

i think i would make an appointment with your counselor for all of you. that way she couldn't leave. everything will be out.


lcappytan05
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:58 AM

That's what I was thinking...and DH as well. We're just kind of betting that she's going to pull the "I'm so tired from driving" card.

Quoting navywife2377:

I would make sure you talk with her before she settles in so she knows up front.


Quoting lcappytan05:

That was one of the main things our counselor had brought up...We should present ourselves as one, a team, and what anyone else thinks of our relationship doesn't matter. I guess I'm just wondering if we should do it tonight or wait until tomorrow night. I know tonight would be ideal though.

Quoting coolmommy2x:

I would do as you planned...talk to her after DS is asleep. I would start with letting her know you and DH are a team and if she doesn't respect that, she can leave and not come back until she can. By starting with that, if she claims to be tired and goes to bed, at least she knows how you feel and what you won't tolerate. Good luck!




CorpCityGrl
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:02 AM

I would talk to her before she settles in and starts giving you an excuse as to why she can't talk right now.

I think it's important that you write down what you want to talk to her about and what you want to cover so that it keeps you focuses on the issues and to ensure that you DO cover all these important points.  It's also good that you and your husband present a united front and be on the same page about all of this and how to deal with her and what you want to accomplish with this talk.  By presenting a united front, it shows her that you are both serious and that you are a family unit and will function as such.

coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:12 AM
I would do it ASAP...I know in my case I wouldn't be able to sleep and I'be anxious waiting to get it over with.

Quoting lcappytan05:

That was one of the main things our counselor had brought up...We should present ourselves as one, a team, and what anyone else thinks of our relationship doesn't matter. I guess I'm just wondering if we should do it tonight or wait until tomorrow night. I know tonight would be ideal though.

Quoting coolmommy2x:

I would do as you planned...talk to her after DS is asleep. I would start with letting her know you and DH are a team and if she doesn't respect that, she can leave and not come back until she can. By starting with that, if she claims to be tired and goes to bed, at least she knows how you feel and what you won't tolerate. Good luck!


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