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How do you explain death to a 5yr old..please help me

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:48 AM
  • 16 Replies

   my dd and my mom were very close and she is 5 years old and is always very worried about her nanna. My mom has been very mentally ill for years and we stopped talking in October because I couldn't take the emotional abuse any longer and watch her stress my dd out any more. So I stayed away from her and that only made it worse, she lost it when she could no longer get to me and my kids.

   My mom and I were very close up until the past 2-3 years it started to get really bad with her, she started getting very mean and she would constantly make up health problems with her to get attention. It goes into a lot more then I am going to go but lets just say it has been very difficult. I told her she needs to get help because she is mentally ill and she refused to admit to anything. It got so bad that she was trying to commit suicide at least once a month at least. It happened so much that my family stopped telling me when it would happen. Well yesterday my mom called me at 3pm she changed her phone number to get around the restriction on my phone. I yelled at her, she caught me off guard and I did not want to deal with her calling to stir everything up again and cry and yell and do whatever she was going to do. She asked me if I was going to always hate her and I had to tell her that I just am not doing this and I hung up. I love her but I wanted her to go get help and no one would back me up to make her even though they all knew she needed it.

  Well I got home and fed my kids dinner and my dh left to get something and right as Iwas getting my baby out of the bath I got a call that would change my life forever. My step dad went to get take out and came home to find he was locked out of the house and by the time he got home and got in the house and found her in the garage she was already gone. My mom Killed her self Thursday evening. He did everything he could till the emt arrived and he called me and I was down there as soon as my dh hauled ass home to sit and watch them work on my mom for 30 minutes at her house and 40 minutes at the er. 

  It doesn't feel real to me. I feel completely hollow, like someone took every drop of air out of me I dont know how to function right. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see the rope and chair. I think I will be ok and then all of a sudden I feel tears falling and I am sobbing and didn't even realize it. I have 3 kids and I am nursing my 8m baby girl. I haven't told them yet what happened. I didn't want my oldest (dd is 5) to have this tied to Easter for the rest of her life. She is always so worried about my mom she talks about her all the time. My mom thought she was going blind once and said the sun was burning her eyes and she taped her eyes shut to keep the light out, well my dd seen her like that and cried for weeks because she thought her nanna was going to die. That's when I knew without a doubt I needed to save her from the pain my mom was causing everyone. 

   So my question is.. How do I explain this to my dd? Tell her that her nanna was really sick and that her heavenly father needed her back in heaven? That she went to live in heaven with her daddy (my grandpa)? what is except-able for a 5 year old because I am terrified to do this and have it break her too and my baby girl, my sweet innocent happy go lucky worried about everyone's well being baby girl will just be broken. What do I do, someone please help me and please don't be mean because I am already blaming my self for breaking my mom and pushing her to this.

by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
.stella.
by Stella on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:53 AM
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My dad just passed last yr. I told my then 5 yr old and he screamed and cried..it broke my heart. They were very close. Once he calmed down I told him papa's body was very sick and God wanted papa back so he could make him better. It was very hard buthe understood we would see him again one day (our beliefs of course). I am deey sorry sweetie. I know that pain.
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ditsyjo
by Gold Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:59 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm so sorry... I don't know how you explain it to your little one...

supernoodle2
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:59 AM

BUMP!

DACIA79
by Silver Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:03 AM
1 mom liked this
I think a combination of needed back in heaven she's not in any pain something like that but some kids handle it some don't.

I told my kids that there Memom was sick went to heaven better place they were sad but handled it amazingly well my mistake was the funeral Ive given them this idea that Memom was happy is heaven no pain but then they saw here at the funeral and then they were convinced she came back from the dead so be careful about your approach

Good luck
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I really do not know.   I hope it wasnt a violent suicide.  I would tell her that nana passed away but not the details of how.  I am sure you may feel numb for awhile since she was a big influence in everyones life but hopefully the heaviness felt when dealing with the mental illness will go away.

louiegirl62
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:08 AM
1 mom liked this

First of all, I'm am sorry for the loss of your mother. That in it's self must be hard, but to have to tell the wee one, my heart goes out to you. I would say- sometimes when people get old their bodies start to wear out, and their heart or other parts stop working, they can't breath or talk, so they die. She probably wouldn't understand suicide until she's older. Just don't say things like- Grandma went to sleep forever, or went away on a long trip, because then she will be terrified of people or herself going to sleep and never waking up, or never coming back after a trip.  Do not blame yourself for your mothers problems. Maybe try some counseling if it gets unbearable. 

Mamamanic
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:14 AM
1 mom liked this

My dd was 3 at the time my dad passed. He would take her on outings and things. We just explained it as a part of life type of thing. How we will remeber them and enjoy the time we had.  we also tell our children that we will meet again when we pass. My dd is 9 and still mentions him.

If someone is mentally ill like that, it will totally feed into you and almost make you sick as well. You had to step back for your own sanity I'm sure your mom knows that now.  My mother was also, she had cancer and passed before I had children. I look back and could not imagine what our relationship would have been like. She wouild push and pull you at the same time and I know I would have just cut her off when I was older, I would have had to. The negativeity is still a factor in my life, I fight to look at the positive. i look at her life ending early as a happy place for her.

 A death will replay in your head over and over and it feels like the world should have stopped, but it doesn't and it is hard to keep up. It gets better, find a support group or something for yourself. 

Mamamanic
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:30 AM

I also was the one to find my dad. I left for 20 min and returned and had to do cpr and everything. God allowed my dd to sleep through the whole thing until other grandma arrived to get her. It was very tramatic and I feel for you and the memory of it, it will lighten over time. Accept help others offer you at this time, it will help in some ways. I was due to have my second dd 2 days after by c-section and was almost running on auto pilot for 6 mo to a year.  I even was waking in the hospital stay with her delivery in sudden jolts because I was replaying it in my dreams. I even quit my job teaching for a year, just to process. I regret it, but I was just hollow like you are feeling now. I did have a group I belonged to, and it was a support that was kinda cut off from family and it helped to talk through it with someone who was nuetral. Family can not always be a neutral party. Blessings.

supernoodle2
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:00 AM


ya my family is huge and it has been torn apart by my mom and I don't feel like I can talk to most of them I live in a town of population 1500 its a hole in the valley in the middle of no where Utah and I cant get away from this. Every time I go anywhere I get a hug or pity eyes. I am running on auto and then as soon as I am alone and stop long enough I bawl then it just shuts off. I never know when its going to happen, but I am just numb to it. It doesn't seem real.

Quoting Mamamanic:

I also was the one to find my dad. I left for 20 min and returned and had to do cpr and everything. God allowed my dd to sleep through the whole thing until other grandma arrived to get her. It was very tramatic and I feel for you and the memory of it, it will lighten over time. Accept help others offer you at this time, it will help in some ways. I was due to have my second dd 2 days after by c-section and was almost running on auto pilot for 6 mo to a year.  I even was waking in the hospital stay with her delivery in sudden jolts because I was replaying it in my dreams. I even quit my job teaching for a year, just to process. I regret it, but I was just hollow like you are feeling now. I did have a group I belonged to, and it was a support that was kinda cut off from family and it helped to talk through it with someone who was nuetral. Family can not always be a neutral party. Blessings.



supernoodle2
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:02 AM


I dont sleep either.. I try but I havent slept since Wednesday

Quoting supernoodle2:


ya my family is huge and it has been torn apart by my mom and I don't feel like I can talk to most of them I live in a town of population 1500 its a hole in the valley in the middle of no where Utah and I cant get away from this. Every time I go anywhere I get a hug or pity eyes. I am running on auto and then as soon as I am alone and stop long enough I bawl then it just shuts off. I never know when its going to happen, but I am just numb to it. It doesn't seem real.

Quoting Mamamanic:

I also was the one to find my dad. I left for 20 min and returned and had to do cpr and everything. God allowed my dd to sleep through the whole thing until other grandma arrived to get her. It was very tramatic and I feel for you and the memory of it, it will lighten over time. Accept help others offer you at this time, it will help in some ways. I was due to have my second dd 2 days after by c-section and was almost running on auto pilot for 6 mo to a year.  I even was waking in the hospital stay with her delivery in sudden jolts because I was replaying it in my dreams. I even quit my job teaching for a year, just to process. I regret it, but I was just hollow like you are feeling now. I did have a group I belonged to, and it was a support that was kinda cut off from family and it helped to talk through it with someone who was nuetral. Family can not always be a neutral party. Blessings.





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