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Really need some "step parenting" advice

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:55 PM
  • 34 Replies

Hello, My name is Jenny. I am the mother to a wonderful almost 3 year old DD. I have been dating my BF for over 1 1/2 yrs. We live together and are very happy.

The issue, His 12 y/o daughter resents the fact that we are together.

The background, BF has 2 kids, 12 y/o dd and 10 y/o ds. BF was single for over 4 years after splitting with bio mom. So the children never really had any "other woman" in their dads life. When i came along ds and i got along very well. DD was another story. She used to lock herself in the bathroom screaming if she saw me and BF holding hands. She has since stopped that behavior and is now more subtle. 

She hates that I am with her father. She is rude and just plain out mean to me sometimes. 

IE: she walks in the house and when i say hello she will brush past me without a word other then a very annoyed sigh.

If BF and I are talking and having a fun conversation, as in laughing etc, she will throw a fit and run to her room slamming the door.

I sometimes get totally ignored when i talk to her. 

When tucking the kids in at bed time, i get wonderful hugs and kisses from his DS, and nothing from DD.

etc etc.....

I do not view myself as an evil stepmother, I try to treat them with as much respect as i would like to get in return.

I just really need help in getting through to his DD. I would so desperatly like for us to have a good relationship. Or at the VERY least her treat me like a human.

I feel like an intruder in my own home on the weekends when she is here. And I feel that she does not want to come around anymore.

I do not want to be the reason there is a rift between BF and his DD, but i cant take being treated like a doormat.

any advice is welcome

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
yezay
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:59 PM
Bump
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
hugss
by Emerald Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:29 PM

Welcome to CafeMom
Going to take her time since she/they have not had another woman in the picture.
Here is a group that may be of interest to you .. Stepmom central .
Nice to meet you :)

jojo_star
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:40 PM
1 mom liked this

For one thing, she is 12 years old, hitting that teenage attitude area. For another, you are just the girlfriend. She may not want to get attached until she knows you're going to be around. She probably feels some conflicts between you and her bio mom, feeling disloyal. It's going to take time, and probably a more serious commitment between you and her father before she feels safe even letting you in.

jennywhy4093
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:43 PM

I get that i do. But i also fear, if me and BF do get engaged (which i may be heading that way) it will only make things worse. 

I work at a craft store, and therefore am rather crafty. I teach her all kinds of things such as scrapbooking and jewelry making. We get along ok at those times. 

Any other times its different


Quoting jojo_star:

For one thing, she is 12 years old, hitting that teenage attitude area. For another, you are just the girlfriend. She may not want to get attached until she knows you're going to be around. She probably feels some conflicts between you and her bio mom, feeling disloyal. It's going to take time, and probably a more serious commitment between you and her father before she feels safe even letting you in.



Mrs.Brugger
by Tiara on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:46 PM

I completely agree with jojo- she's about to hit her teenage years, and I'm pretty sure her hormones are going crazy, school is driving her nuts, whatever else happens at that age...and she feels VERY disloyal to her mom if she talks to you. I hated my stepmom for YEARS just because I thought it would hurt my mom if I liked her. How do you get along with the biomom? Have you tried taking the DD out just the two of you? Have a girls day (well...a girls few hours because I feel like if you went for a whole day she would just get tired of it and angry again). Make her see that you really want to get along with her, that your relationship means something special to you.

lisa_c13
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:47 PM

I was that child when I was her age!  I could not stand my step father.  I was rude, mean, and just hard to deal with when it came to him.  None the less, he loved me through it all.  He made it clear, always, that he was the parent and I was the child, and that I would respect him even if I did hate him.  He treated me no differently than he treated his children.  He loved me, even though I felt he did not, and did whatever any loving real father would do for their child.  As I grew up I came to realize he really did love me and was not trying to take my dad's place.  Now we have a wonderful relationship and I love him dearly and I can see that he really did love me.  Stay firm with her, and treat her no differently than you treat your child.  And one day she'll grow to see you're not the evil step mom she is precieveing you to be! Good luck !!

nurse1997
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:55 PM
1 mom liked this

Its a kid thing step kids can be brats be the grown up but be nice too and make sure rule sare set towards attude or god help you when they are teens moms probally filling her head with stuff dont worry your not alone hang on for the ride ;]

jennywhy4093
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:57 PM

Me and biomom have had very little interaction. I know biomom is super jealous of me. but we have only met very briefly on seldom occasions


Quoting Mrs.Brugger:

I completely agree with jojo- she's about to hit her teenage years, and I'm pretty sure her hormones are going crazy, school is driving her nuts, whatever else happens at that age...and she feels VERY disloyal to her mom if she talks to you. I hated my stepmom for YEARS just because I thought it would hurt my mom if I liked her. How do you get along with the biomom? Have you tried taking the DD out just the two of you? Have a girls day (well...a girls few hours because I feel like if you went for a whole day she would just get tired of it and angry again). Make her see that you really want to get along with her, that your relationship means something special to you.



jennywhy4093
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:59 PM

this gives me hope. I know she is going through alot hormone wise. So my prayers are that if I keep working at the relationship between us it will get better.

Any advice as to what to do in the mean time? She can be so very hurtful at times. She has brought me to tears..


Quoting lisa_c13:

I was that child when I was her age!  I could not stand my step father.  I was rude, mean, and just hard to deal with when it came to him.  None the less, he loved me through it all.  He made it clear, always, that he was the parent and I was the child, and that I would respect him even if I did hate him.  He treated me no differently than he treated his children.  He loved me, even though I felt he did not, and did whatever any loving real father would do for their child.  As I grew up I came to realize he really did love me and was not trying to take my dad's place.  Now we have a wonderful relationship and I love him dearly and I can see that he really did love me.  Stay firm with her, and treat her no differently than you treat your child.  And one day she'll grow to see you're not the evil step mom she is precieveing you to be! Good luck !!



Bloom4ever
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this

I'll speak up here as the child to a stepmom...my Daddy and Mom split when I was 7yrs old...my Daddy met and moved in with another women when Iw as 8yrs old...I hated her guts! why? she "stole" my Daddy! BUT with time, and the unending love she shared with me just by giving me attention...she "broke through" and we're now the best of friends...there's things I'll tell her I can't tell someone else as an example...it's a tough place to be as the child and I can imagine it as the stepmom too...but what you gotta remember is that it's not just hard on you it's hard on her too maybe she was having secret dreams that her dad and mom would get back together and seeing you tells her it'll never happen...lots of kids of divorced parents think that way and lots dispise the step-parent cuz of it...but with time and love they over come it...keep saying hi to her keep laughing and having a good time...but also remember that she's hurting inside and give her a little extra attention at times maybe doing something she likes to do...it'll help break the ice...

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