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Need some opinions with boyfriend telling me how to parent my children

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My boyfriend of three years has decided he wants to show his concerns with how I trust and parent my children...my daughter 16yrs and son 14yrs and I have an open relationship that we can talk about good or bad...praise or discipline...however now my boyfriend feels he can tell me that I should not trust them with certain things and has even to ld me that he's talked to his brother about how he thinks I am gullible and stupid...he also has children Rolf his own...6,8, and 14...he wants to tell me I should discipline my children similar to how he does his. I feel my children are my responsibility and while I appreciate that he shows care to my children, he really has no place in telling me how to trust or parent my children unless I ask for his opinion. Please tell me what u think...
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by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Replies (41-50):
forsakenjewl24
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 6:38 PM
1 mom liked this

i agree to an extent with this. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years. he has a 10 year old  i have a 6 year old. his baby girl waw spoiled rotten as in i ask you what you think your dad is gonna get that for you? she says daddy gets me everything. i look at him he says no not happening.  i think if you sit down and talk to  each other then come to a compromise as my boyfriend and i have things will run smoother. hash it out when the kids are in bed. makes life so much easier. some times you would like to think your children are perfect just like my boyfriend and myself thought but in all actuallity they acted completley different with the other person.  EX: his daughter gave me attitude talekd back anything you could think of with me. him perfec t angel. i finally explained to him she only does it to me. my son withmy boyfriend same way talk back lied everything you can think of. sat down talked and said fine when they do something tell one another and we will deal with our own kids. we did that for awhile when it just became stupid for us.and just recently end of last year we deal with each others kids. we still tell each other this is what happened this is what i did. i usually say fine ok  and same goes for me with him. we dont agree we talk bout it and next time deal differently. can't take back a actiion set by one of the other parents that's a over ride problem and would confused them.

sorry it's long but that's what we did just talked. and those are my examples. not exactly the same as your situation. but maybe it could help.


Quoting Schauseil:

I think it depends on your relationship with him. Its beem three years already, does he live with you? do you see this as a long term or life time thing? He isn't with just you, he is with your kids too. Its only natural that he would form a parental bond with them. And as such, I think he deserves at least some say in how they are raised.



kaylasmom22
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 6:42 PM
1 mom liked this
I guess you don't tell him how to parent his kids right? Maybe he sees something that you don't or can't see cause you trust your child. Or maybe he is just one of those who likes to tell others what to do. You need to have a talk with him about this
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Tilly9798
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:26 PM
Thanks for all the advice and opinions...everyone...weather I agree or disagree...they are all helpful!!
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homeschoolx3
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:36 PM
1 mom liked this

That's not caring dear, that's a control freak showing his true colors! The next time he has the nerve to try and tell you how to parent YOUR kids, calmly tell him, "thanks, but i dont need your "help!"

Schauseil
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:06 AM

Quoting Tilly9798:

As I stated before, I appreciate that he cares for my child, however, this does not give him the right to discuss my daughters sexuality with his family members.  My daughter is now on birth control because I do not trust that it wont happen again, even with the restrictions I've placed with her not going to his house.  I still feel that there are limits on what my bf and I should feel is appropriate to discuss about each others children, certainly he has informed me of what he feels is appropriate or not.  So I guess what every mom on this forum should do is put no trust into their daughters, or sons, for that matter...once they hit puberty....which could be as young as 10 years, put them on birth control and hand them condems...bc kids are having sex as young as 12...


Ok. Now you are changing issues. the fact that he discussed it with another family member was a one liner in the op. I kinda agree with you on that one. it would depend on how close he is to his brother. Every SO needs at least one person they can confide in. Maybe for him it's his brother.
Schauseil
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:27 AM

You are so full of shit. first it's well I trust my kid is abstinent. then they had sex once but I trust they are not now, then it's oh I put her on BC because I can't trust it will never happen again I just talk to her, hope it won't and trust she will tell me even though she didn't the first time. With the bf first it's he shouldn't say anything, not his buisness, she already has a mom and dad. Then it's that he shouldn't discuss it with his brother, then the real problem becomes that your daughters personal life became known to several family members.

You just keep changing the story to try and make yourself right.


Quoting Tilly9798:

I appreciate all the advice and opinions, as it is hard to give all details to what I am dealing with.  In my eyes I was not being naive as I was letting my daughter know she can come to me and feel comfortable talking about sex, she chose not to and go to a cousin which in return went to my bf's daughter who informed her mother, but failed to inform me.  I have never thought that the day would not come when I found my daughter to be sexually active, in fact when I informed her father she felt the same as I, it was something we were expecting to hear sooner than later.  But in the same aspect, I cannot lock my daughter up and keep her sheltered from making mistakes...just as myself and her father she will experience life and all the trials and tribulations.  What I can do I show her that I accept her for her mistakes and will educate her with my experiences and how to be healthy and take percaution.  In no way would I make her feel asshamed nor embarssesed...just as I should not be made to feel stupid, naive, gullible or that I am not making the choice my boyfriend would make in regards to his sexually active daughter.



Tilly9798
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:28 AM
No schauseil...not changing the story...adding more details to my point...u can't get all the details in on the first explanation...but have at yr BS calling...I'm trying to be detailed as much as I can...also never said how many times she had sex and never said I can trust her bc I can talk to her...I put her on birth control bc I don't want her to get pregnant bc I don't know if and when it will happen again...I know she is not having sex bc the only time she has seen her bf is when I pick him up and we went to dinner twice and I dropped him off...so unless they pulled some miraculous disappearing act..went and had sex and came back within seconds...I trust she has not had sex since...but thank u...next time I will make sure to give full detail in the first post.


Quoting Schauseil:

You are so full of shit. first it's well I trust my kid is abstinent. then they had sex once but I trust they are not now, then it's oh I put her on BC because I can't trust it will never happen again I just talk to her, hope it won't and trust she will tell me even though she didn't the first time. With the bf first it's he shouldn't say anything, not his buisness, she already has a mom and dad. Then it's that he shouldn't discuss it with his brother, then the real problem becomes that your daughters personal life became known to several family members.

You just keep changing the story to try and make yourself right.



Quoting Tilly9798:

I appreciate all the advice and opinions, as it is hard to give all details to what I am dealing with.  In my eyes I was not being naive as I was letting my daughter know she can come to me and feel comfortable talking about sex, she chose not to and go to a cousin which in return went to my bf's daughter who informed her mother, but failed to inform me.  I have never thought that the day would not come when I found my daughter to be sexually active, in fact when I informed her father she felt the same as I, it was something we were expecting to hear sooner than later.  But in the same aspect, I cannot lock my daughter up and keep her sheltered from making mistakes...just as myself and her father she will experience life and all the trials and tribulations.  What I can do I show her that I accept her for her mistakes and will educate her with my experiences and how to be healthy and take percaution.  In no way would I make her feel asshamed nor embarssesed...just as I should not be made to feel stupid, naive, gullible or that I am not making the choice my boyfriend would make in regards to his sexually active daughter.





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Basherte
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:06 AM
1 mom liked this

It feels that while you and your boyfriend are together, you are raising your own children separately. 

Which raises boundaries all on its own. 

I would sit down with the boyfriend and ask him if he wants the two of you to start parenting all the kids in the house as if you two were the parents. Then take it from there. 

You need to figure out if you want him to discipline your kids at all. Or if you just want him to not parent them at all. If what you want is him to only say something to them when it's obvious, then let him know. I think you two need to sit down and discuss boundaries again. I think it's sweet that he loves your kids enough to want to help them. I also think there are red flags there with him calling you names. Telling you that you need to parent your kids the way he parents his. 

Good luck with this Momma. Please let us know if things get better in that house for you and your family.


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KellBell0820
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:18 AM
I agree with this. It seems like maybe after 3 years your boyfriend is moving into a parenting role but you don't want him to. While I don't agree with him going to his family and telling them everything, I think the problem is more with your relationship and where you stand on him parenting your children. I think you should sit down and discuss this with him.


Quoting Basherte:

It feels that while you and your boyfriend are together, you are raising your own children separately. 

Which raises boundaries all on its own. 

I would sit down with the boyfriend and ask him if he wants the two of you to start parenting all the kids in the house as if you two were the parents. Then take it from there. 

You need to figure out if you want him to discipline your kids at all. Or if you just want him to not parent them at all. If what you want is him to only say something to them when it's obvious, then let him know. I think you two need to sit down and discuss boundaries again. I think it's sweet that he loves your kids enough to want to help them. I also think there are red flags there with him calling you names. Telling you that you need to parent your kids the way he parents his. 

Good luck with this Momma. Please let us know if things get better in that house for you and your family.



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Basherte
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:22 AM

:) Glad I'm not the only one that sees this.

Quoting KellBell0820:

I agree with this. It seems like maybe after 3 years your boyfriend is moving into a parenting role but you don't want him to. While I don't agree with him going to his family and telling them everything, I think the problem is more with your relationship and where you stand on him parenting your children. I think you should sit down and discuss this with him.


Quoting Basherte:

It feels that while you and your boyfriend are together, you are raising your own children separately. 

Which raises boundaries all on its own. 

I would sit down with the boyfriend and ask him if he wants the two of you to start parenting all the kids in the house as if you two were the parents. Then take it from there. 

You need to figure out if you want him to discipline your kids at all. Or if you just want him to not parent them at all. If what you want is him to only say something to them when it's obvious, then let him know. I think you two need to sit down and discuss boundaries again. I think it's sweet that he loves your kids enough to want to help them. I also think there are red flags there with him calling you names. Telling you that you need to parent your kids the way he parents his. 

Good luck with this Momma. Please let us know if things get better in that house for you and your family.




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