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Need some opinions with boyfriend telling me how to parent my children

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My boyfriend of three years has decided he wants to show his concerns with how I trust and parent my children...my daughter 16yrs and son 14yrs and I have an open relationship that we can talk about good or bad...praise or discipline...however now my boyfriend feels he can tell me that I should not trust them with certain things and has even to ld me that he's talked to his brother about how he thinks I am gullible and stupid...he also has children Rolf his own...6,8, and 14...he wants to tell me I should discipline my children similar to how he does his. I feel my children are my responsibility and while I appreciate that he shows care to my children, he really has no place in telling me how to trust or parent my children unless I ask for his opinion. Please tell me what u think...
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by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Replies (51-56):
jackieo1355
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:38 AM
1 mom liked this
Go with your heart on that one and if his skills are unacceptable put a stop to that now. Trust me.. I had the same experience and it lead to arguments even when he didn't speak his mind I saw it in his body language of disapproval. It will get old and cause unhappiness.
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winterglow
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:46 AM

 Frankly, your method is more likely to be effective than his. You are treating your daughter as a responsible person, not a child. Youi have a much better approach. Your daughter is much more likely to talk to you and come to you when she needs help.

Quoting Tilly9798:

My children and I have normal parent/children issues...and while my daughter was honest with me that her and her bf did experience sex...I have talked with both or them and his mother...letting them know that I am not accepting of it at their ages,,.i choose to use a different tactic as opposed to my bf that chose to scream and threaten and scare his daughter...of which I did not tell him he was doing wrong in my eyes...that is his daughter...not mine...I have put limits and restrictions on my daughter and her bf...and trust that my approach will be effective...


Quoting Mommy4-27-08:

Hmm, that is tricky. I think maybe you just need to tell him that you appreciate all the advice but that you have this covered. I also disagree with PP about you being gullible and stupid if your daughter spends a lot of time with her boyfriend because then they are having sex. I think if you guys are living together and have kids in the house you guys need to be on the same page parenting wise so I would sit down and both lay it out on the table as to how you parent and what you think about the other persons parenting and find a middle ground. If your kids have given you no reason to not trust them then I do not see the issue unless you're letting them do stupid stuff... like throwing massive parties with alcohol for your 16 year old. If your doing that then I can see the issue, but otherwise you both need to be on the same page.



 

Tilly9798
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:55 AM
Thank you winterglow...that is exactly how I explained it to my bf...we have a counseling appointment this Thursday...we'll see if we are able to come to a understanding or if its just not meant to be...as he is agreeing to go to see who is right and who is wrong...I told him that is not what counseling is for..it's to see how we can work together and understand our differences...


Quoting winterglow:

 Frankly, your method is more likely to be effective than his. You are treating your daughter as a responsible person, not a child. Youi have a much better approach. Your daughter is much more likely to talk to you and come to you when she needs help.


Quoting Tilly9798:

My children and I have normal parent/children issues...and while my daughter was honest with me that her and her bf did experience sex...I have talked with both or them and his mother...letting them know that I am not accepting of it at their ages,,.i choose to use a different tactic as opposed to my bf that chose to scream and threaten and scare his daughter...of which I did not tell him he was doing wrong in my eyes...that is his daughter...not mine...I have put limits and restrictions on my daughter and her bf...and trust that my approach will be effective...



Quoting Mommy4-27-08:


Hmm, that is tricky. I think maybe you just need to tell him that you appreciate all the advice but that you have this covered. I also disagree with PP about you being gullible and stupid if your daughter spends a lot of time with her boyfriend because then they are having sex. I think if you guys are living together and have kids in the house you guys need to be on the same page parenting wise so I would sit down and both lay it out on the table as to how you parent and what you think about the other persons parenting and find a middle ground. If your kids have given you no reason to not trust them then I do not see the issue unless you're letting them do stupid stuff... like throwing massive parties with alcohol for your 16 year old. If your doing that then I can see the issue, but otherwise you both need to be on the same page.





 


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iheartmia
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:47 AM
1 mom liked this

if the way you parent is working for you and the kids then stick to it .its always nice he cares and you can take somethings he says into consideration but at the end of the day its always your descission how you raise them

 

MarcyH716
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:24 AM
Ok, I have a mixed family and we lived together for 4 yrs before we got married, his son is 23 and my kids are 10,14,17, (2 girls, 1 boy) and yes all 4 live in our home and married now for almost 2 yrs. and now expecting! If you expect this relationship to work then you both have to be on the same page about how the kids are treated. NO FAVORITISM! Your children should be treated the same as his and you should have the same expectations out of all of them. ex: I don't want his 23 yr old son setting a bad example for my kids, and I'd be willing to bet that with yours being the older ones, he doesn't want his kids to see your kids setting a bad example for them. I fully believe that for a family to make it as a family you have to be a family. You will never make it if you always have that separation there. You both need to set down and as adults agree in what will and won't be allowed in your(meaning your and his) home. And if you still call it "YOUR" home and not "our" home then your more of the problem then you may know or want to admit. Leave out the separation and join together and agree on things or you might as well give up now!
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Tilly9798
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:44 AM
I fully agree that all children should be treated equal...but that is not the case her...understand that there is obviously more to my situation than what I am saying bc I am trying to focus on this issue...but my bf and I were once on the same page...we agreed on a chores and responsibility list for the kids and ourselves...we agreed that we would not discipline each others kids but instead go to one another and let us deal with it our own way...a punishment or restriction on privledges has always worked for me...as he gives false threats and does not follow through with discipline...his children have not been encouraged to follow the once agreed chore list nor encouraged to give me the respect when I ask them to pick up their belongings...a lot has changed from when we first began this "family" and as I try to work together...he tends to work separately...this is what caused some of the resentment and negativity towards the way he was insinuating and being crude about my daughter...and why I became defensive...he expects me to treat my children in his perspective...but he does not do his own and good forbid if I ever used his methods on his kids...


Quoting MarcyH716:

Ok, I have a mixed family and we lived together for 4 yrs before we got married, his son is 23 and my kids are 10,14,17, (2 girls, 1 boy) and yes all 4 live in our home and married now for almost 2 yrs. and now expecting! If you expect this relationship to work then you both have to be on the same page about how the kids are treated. NO FAVORITISM! Your children should be treated the same as his and you should have the same expectations out of all of them. ex: I don't want his 23 yr old son setting a bad example for my kids, and I'd be willing to bet that with yours being the older ones, he doesn't want his kids to see your kids setting a bad example for them. I fully believe that for a family to make it as a family you have to be a family. You will never make it if you always have that separation there. You both need to set down and as adults agree in what will and won't be allowed in your(meaning your and his) home. And if you still call it "YOUR" home and not "our" home then your more of the problem then you may know or want to admit. Leave out the separation and join together and agree on things or you might as well give up now!

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