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9 year old trouble

Posted by on May. 6, 2013 at 2:16 PM
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frustrated I have a 9 1/2 year old DD who is very disobedient. She lies and tattle tales all the time. She's doing poor in school, due to lack of interest. She said she hates school.  She back talks and has been like this for years so it's not something new. I thought she would kinda grow out of it but it's only getting worse.  She gets grounded and I have spanked her a few times. I am divorced and her dad has the same problems at his house. I have talked with her countless times if something is going on at school and she always says no. She has only one friend <---which may be from her bad attitude.

Her dad and I have been divorced since she was 3 so I don't think it was our divorce that caused it.  I guess my problem is I can't pinpoint what exactly is going on to cause this behavior but I need it stop. Am I being too soft? I need advice on how to control these bad behaviors! She has an older sister who's 16 months older and she is VERY mean to her also. Not just sisters fighting but actually mean words like your Fat, your ugly, etc.  HELP!!!! 

by on May. 6, 2013 at 2:16 PM
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by Silver Member on May. 6, 2013 at 5:10 PM
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It sounds like your right that something else is going on for her to be acting out like that. Is there a counselor at her school that she can talk to? Maybe you can find she's really into like art, music, or sports and encourage her to get involved?

by on May. 6, 2013 at 5:56 PM
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I would stop punishing her with groundings and spankings and try to work on getting a lot closer to her.  Then, when she lies or is mean, you can ask her why she did that and get to the root of what's going on...and teach her that it's not nice to hurt others and not good to lie.  Talk to her about how the other person feels.  Maybe she is feeling very hurt and wants others to feel hurt, too... I'd really work on getting very close to her and building a special relationship with her - and making her feel very loved. You're probably already doing it but I suggest doing it more. ive her so much love and talk to her a lot.

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by Sapphire Member on May. 6, 2013 at 7:27 PM

Welcome to CafeMom,
How about using positive reinforcement/rewards & focusing on when she does well?
Perhaps you could seek some help from a counselor as well?
Hope things get better hon :)

by Silver Member on May. 6, 2013 at 10:25 PM
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I have a 9 1/2 yr old and am dealing with some of the same things. Like backtalk or arguing. I have recently had to get tough and have them loose priveleges and explain that these things they like to do (like go to friends are privleges). Privileges really need to be earned. If you don't want to do simple things I ask then you wont have that option of things to do. my 9 yr old is the oldest, but her and my 6yr dd always argue and 9yr dd takes everything to heart lately. Wonder if it is hormones. Make sure the consequence fits the situation also. My DD was procrastinating folding her clothes and since it was bedtime, she was not allowed to wear any of her unfolded clothes to school until all of them were done. I have also told her to get away from from me if she wants to complain or whine. She can talk to me in a normal voice if she wants to talk. You will have to buckle down and be tough because the older they get I'm sure the more lippy they will be. I had someone point this out and it was really awake call, because I don't want them to be abusive as teens. 

by on May. 7, 2013 at 8:40 AM
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Your child has some other problems. Some of it sounds like results of mental challenges and she positively needs counseling. What is going on inside her personality is way beyond anything you can control. Get her to a counselor. Check with your doctor to recommend one or the school. You need to find the source of the problem and deal with it with help immediately. Its only going to get worse. Its not your fault or anyone else's. Its a chemical make up in the child like ADHD and she needs help not discipline. Get her into counseling. You will see a difference just as soon as they test her and find out exactly what her problem is. Good Luck

by on May. 7, 2013 at 9:14 AM

Thanks for the advice! I am going to call her pediatrician and seek a counselor. I do shower her with love. We cuddle , we talk, we play, we exercise together. It's anything that she doesn't want to do she just gives me an immediate back talk. Last night she was mad because I asked her to please pick up her clothes off the bathroom floor and put in the hamper and hang up her towel. Pretty typical request :) She was mad. stopped and threw her clothes in the hamper. When she went ot hang the towel up she knocked the whole shower rod down. I'm assuming she was aggressive in hanging up the towel and BAM. I asked her what happened and she said she didn't know. I left it down and told her she would put it back up today. UGH. 

by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Hormones. Mine just started the back talkaline and the stomping. Puberty..
. Gotta love it... Lol
by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:06 PM

The divorce may have affected her more than your think. A counselor would be a good idea, but do something fun and give her plenty of positive reinforcement.  

Stop the spankings and be careful what you or others older than her may be saying to her that may be negative. 

by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:19 PM
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Something i can suggest is keeping track of her diet, some foods can cause mood issues, also known as "mood foods". Second examine the amount of sleep shes getting. My 10 yr old still requires 10 ish hours of sleep or he is grumpy. Lack of proten can cause irritability and bad moods blood sugar could also be at play. I hope you figure something out as i know this is stressful.
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2013 at 2:25 PM
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I would take her to a counselor. It gives them someone to get everything out with and the person is non biased. My 8 year old see's one and she is wonderful. She may have issues going on in her little heart she may not want to talk to either one of you about. It took me some time to swallow that with my son but he loves it now. He has a lot more to deal with so we have been going for quite some time now. She also saw me seperately for a few weeks to help me learn how to better deal with things and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY. Just an idea.
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