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Stepdad Abused Me (physically, mentally/emotionally/verbally, and possibly sexually) *UPDATE*

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I posted this in another group, but I guess it wasn't dramatic enough, because I got one reply. I also want to add that I live about 10 hours from my mom, so talking to her in person can't really happen right now.

I thought about going anonymous with this because I didn't want anyone to know it was me, but then I figured I'd get the "you're a troll" comments...and quite frankly, I shouldn't be ashamed. I need advice on what to do.

I grew up with my mom, stepdad, and two younger brothers in my house. Stepdad and mom got married when I was 3.5-4 years old. He's been on the only male father figure in my life.

Anyway, I've always had a certain dislike for stepdad. He's a prick and abusive. When we were younger, he would always fuck with our heads (mental/emotional/verbal abuse). He was also physically abusive. I also suspect that he might have been sexually abusive (but I'll get into that further down the post).

As far as mental abuse, he would say that our mom was ashamed of us and felt like a failure as a mother because she had fat kids (this is BEFORE I became overweight). He would also threaten us. Once when we had gotten into trouble, he told us that he and my mom had planned to take us to some disney on ice thing, but not anymore since we misbehaved. He then proceeded to tell us that he owned a gun, that it was loaded, and asked if we wanted to see it. We all three thought he was going to kill us. He pulled a knife on my brothers and cornered them a few years ago as well...to which I didn't find out about until WAY after it happened.

As far as physical abuse, he's hit us many times. He liked to sleep in because he had sleeping problems, so we had to be deathly quiet or all hell would break loose. The more severe cases are that he once beat the shit out of one of my brothers for peeing his pants in the car even though my brother kept telling him he had to pee...but stepdad wouldn't stop the car. He once kicked me so hard that my tailbone was bruised (I thought it was broken. I couldn't even sit down correctly because it hurt so bad). I had to lie to the doctor on how it happened. He used to force us out of the house early in the morning so he could sleep without any noise. I was so afraid to go back in the house that I would pee my pants outside instead of risking making any noise going inside the house (This happened when I was about 4-5 years old). Aside from that, we were spanked a lot (belts mostly), hit hard (I got a couple goose eggs on my head because he hit me with a closed fist twice).

As far as sexual abuse, I'm not sure if this counts. He would have my brothers shower together and then he would have me shower with him. He claimed it was to save water. He never touched me in the shower and never made me touch him, but I hated it. One time, my parents went out drinking. When they came home, we were all in bed. My mom went to bed and stepdad came in my room. I pretended to be asleep. He kept saying he heard something outside and looked out my window. He reached over and started rubbing the blanket where my leg would be. After a few minutes, he pulled the cover back and started rubbing my leg. I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I stayed in there awhile. When I came out, he wasn't in my room. I locked my door and tried to go back to sleep. That's about as far as that goes....but I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in bed.

My mom worked all the time, so she doesn't really know about all of this. She knows that he disciplined us, and she witnessed some things, but not the majority of it. They have been married 23 years.

I hate him. He still tries to bully me to this day. I want to stand up to him, tell him to fuck off and go to hell, but for some reason, I'm still afraid of what will happen. Every time I get the courage to say something to my mom, I feel sick to my stomach and I chicken out.

I don't know what I'm really looking for with this, but I need to get it out...beyond that, I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do.

I know I probably need therapy...and I'm working on seeing one.

UPDATE: First, I want to say that my husband and my grandmother both think I have a form of PTSD. When someone throws something at me (tosses me a ball or anything), I flinch BAD and jerk away (like I'm covering my face or head). When I see things coming at me from the corner of my eye, I do the same thing. I get physically sick every time I think about all of this and I get nightmares about it sometimes...I was doing okay about it for awhile, but I think since they came down for a visit not that long ago (no, they did not stay here and he was NEVER alone with my son), it triggered it all again.

Anyway, last night I called my youngest brother (stepdad is his biological father). I asked him, "If mom and dad told you to quit talking to me, what would you do?" (One of my biggest fears with all of this is that my brothers will stop talking to me). He asked me why...and I told him it didn't matter. He said that he would tell them that I'm his sister, and he would still talk to all of us (which isn't true...he'll do what his dad says or he'll be secretive about it). He then kept asking me why. I told him I couldn't tell him yet. I still needed to talk to mom and I'm seeing a therapist (this is where I fucked up. I should have just said it was a hypothetical situation). He then flew off the handle on me...saying things like how I think his dad is so horrible and he wasn't a bad parents...that my childhood wasn't so bad that I need a therapist...that it could only be two things, abuse or touching, and he KNOWS those things didn't happen...etc. I told him that he doesn't know anything about what happened to me and he doesn't kno anything about my life and why I may need to talk to a therapist. After he got done yelling at me about how his dad did nothing to me, he then went on to say that he's tired of hearing all this shit about ME. He said, "I'm sorry, but parent your fucking kid. I know lots of people with three year old kids. They all talk and ride bikes. Jeffrey is fucking smart...there's nothing "special" about him." I started getting pissed after that and started yelling at him...he then hung up on me and refused to answer anymore of my calls...I left him a VM telling him that my kid has a learning disability and he's in therapy for speech (which they ALL know)...that when he wants to talk to me like an adult, he can call me back.

by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Replies (11-20):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on May. 7, 2013 at 6:28 PM

I would see a therapist and ask their opinion on how to broach this with your mom.   The hardest thing is to forgive for the actions towards you.  It is not for his benefit but for your own to let go of all the anger, hate, sickness, etc. 

I recently watched a show where a therapist themselves had to cope with being physically abused by their father who either does not remember the acts or will not admit  it happened.

Due to the hurt that was caused by my mom's husband, he has not been allowed at our home and we live across country.  Mom had to travel by herself or bring a guest (usually grandma) when she came out.  I have no trust for him and what could possibly happen.

mommyonboard08
by on May. 7, 2013 at 6:29 PM

I think that counseling would help you. And it would probably be even better if you could include your mom and brothers.

jomami
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2013 at 7:47 PM

OMG - I want to beat him up for doing all of that to you and your brothers!

I would tell him off!  I'd never go near him either and if I did I'd have lots of nasty things to say to him.  I  hope you never let your kids even meet him. 

Was your mom ever abusive?  Did she know that he hurt you all so much? 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.  What an f-ing creep!!

opinionated07
by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:49 PM
I'm sorry that's terrible what you went through! Have you tried maybe writing a letter to your mom about all this? I can understand being nervous that's a hard thing to talk about I know! You have to get it out though so you can get past it as best you can.
FinchsMommy
by on May. 8, 2013 at 8:45 AM
Quoting lcappytan05:




I don't think what you feel is guilt, not real guilt. It's fear. Fear that he will hurt you or your mom since she's still with him if you tell the truth youve bottled up all these years. Fear that she wont believe you. Fear that you may have to make a choice of her over your sanity. On top of that you probably have some post traumatic stress that causes the physical sickness when you try to talk to her about it.

Being a child that was abused and controlled you have been trained to fear addressing what he has done through the negative reinforcement his recurring abuse 'programmed' you to feel.

As a child that was also abused therapy is a must. After my parents finally separated I was in therapy for a year to deal with all the trauma of my childhood and teenhood abuse. I hated my father for not saying he was sorry. I thought he was only sorry he got caught when I calls the cops on him and had him arrested, which lead to my parents divorce. I resented my mother for not protecting her children or herself. It takes time to forgive yourself and others in these situations, but it's doable. You've made it this long, which means you are a STRONG WOMAN. Don't under estimate yourself and your ability to heal the years of wounds he created by being a monster.
Cherish77
by Cherish on May. 8, 2013 at 8:58 AM
Like others suggested I would write a letter.
lcappytan05
by on May. 8, 2013 at 9:25 AM

BUMP FOR UPDATE

Grown_woman2192
by on May. 8, 2013 at 9:34 AM
she would want u to tell her. there is no reason to feel guilty. I know for a fact that I would want my son to tell me if anything like this happened to him. So what if u feel sick, you need to tell her. She will believe u.
lcappytan05
by on May. 8, 2013 at 9:38 AM

So what if I feel sick? Have you ever been through something like this? If not, then I don't feel it's appropriate for you to make that comment. I had a horrible day yesterday (meaning that it was affecting me more than most days). I threw up because of it...and I felt like I couldn't breathe at all yesterday.

Quoting Grown_woman2192:

she would want u to tell her. there is no reason to feel guilty. I know for a fact that I would want my son to tell me if anything like this happened to him. So what if u feel sick, you need to tell her. She will believe u.


aDINGOateYObaby
by on May. 8, 2013 at 9:39 AM
Honey you need therapy not CM
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