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Stepdad Abused Me (physically, mentally/emotionally/verbally, and possibly sexually) *UPDATE*

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I posted this in another group, but I guess it wasn't dramatic enough, because I got one reply. I also want to add that I live about 10 hours from my mom, so talking to her in person can't really happen right now.

I thought about going anonymous with this because I didn't want anyone to know it was me, but then I figured I'd get the "you're a troll" comments...and quite frankly, I shouldn't be ashamed. I need advice on what to do.

I grew up with my mom, stepdad, and two younger brothers in my house. Stepdad and mom got married when I was 3.5-4 years old. He's been on the only male father figure in my life.

Anyway, I've always had a certain dislike for stepdad. He's a prick and abusive. When we were younger, he would always fuck with our heads (mental/emotional/verbal abuse). He was also physically abusive. I also suspect that he might have been sexually abusive (but I'll get into that further down the post).

As far as mental abuse, he would say that our mom was ashamed of us and felt like a failure as a mother because she had fat kids (this is BEFORE I became overweight). He would also threaten us. Once when we had gotten into trouble, he told us that he and my mom had planned to take us to some disney on ice thing, but not anymore since we misbehaved. He then proceeded to tell us that he owned a gun, that it was loaded, and asked if we wanted to see it. We all three thought he was going to kill us. He pulled a knife on my brothers and cornered them a few years ago as well...to which I didn't find out about until WAY after it happened.

As far as physical abuse, he's hit us many times. He liked to sleep in because he had sleeping problems, so we had to be deathly quiet or all hell would break loose. The more severe cases are that he once beat the shit out of one of my brothers for peeing his pants in the car even though my brother kept telling him he had to pee...but stepdad wouldn't stop the car. He once kicked me so hard that my tailbone was bruised (I thought it was broken. I couldn't even sit down correctly because it hurt so bad). I had to lie to the doctor on how it happened. He used to force us out of the house early in the morning so he could sleep without any noise. I was so afraid to go back in the house that I would pee my pants outside instead of risking making any noise going inside the house (This happened when I was about 4-5 years old). Aside from that, we were spanked a lot (belts mostly), hit hard (I got a couple goose eggs on my head because he hit me with a closed fist twice).

As far as sexual abuse, I'm not sure if this counts. He would have my brothers shower together and then he would have me shower with him. He claimed it was to save water. He never touched me in the shower and never made me touch him, but I hated it. One time, my parents went out drinking. When they came home, we were all in bed. My mom went to bed and stepdad came in my room. I pretended to be asleep. He kept saying he heard something outside and looked out my window. He reached over and started rubbing the blanket where my leg would be. After a few minutes, he pulled the cover back and started rubbing my leg. I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I stayed in there awhile. When I came out, he wasn't in my room. I locked my door and tried to go back to sleep. That's about as far as that goes....but I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in bed.

My mom worked all the time, so she doesn't really know about all of this. She knows that he disciplined us, and she witnessed some things, but not the majority of it. They have been married 23 years.

I hate him. He still tries to bully me to this day. I want to stand up to him, tell him to fuck off and go to hell, but for some reason, I'm still afraid of what will happen. Every time I get the courage to say something to my mom, I feel sick to my stomach and I chicken out.

I don't know what I'm really looking for with this, but I need to get it out...beyond that, I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do.

I know I probably need therapy...and I'm working on seeing one.

UPDATE: First, I want to say that my husband and my grandmother both think I have a form of PTSD. When someone throws something at me (tosses me a ball or anything), I flinch BAD and jerk away (like I'm covering my face or head). When I see things coming at me from the corner of my eye, I do the same thing. I get physically sick every time I think about all of this and I get nightmares about it sometimes...I was doing okay about it for awhile, but I think since they came down for a visit not that long ago (no, they did not stay here and he was NEVER alone with my son), it triggered it all again.

Anyway, last night I called my youngest brother (stepdad is his biological father). I asked him, "If mom and dad told you to quit talking to me, what would you do?" (One of my biggest fears with all of this is that my brothers will stop talking to me). He asked me why...and I told him it didn't matter. He said that he would tell them that I'm his sister, and he would still talk to all of us (which isn't true...he'll do what his dad says or he'll be secretive about it). He then kept asking me why. I told him I couldn't tell him yet. I still needed to talk to mom and I'm seeing a therapist (this is where I fucked up. I should have just said it was a hypothetical situation). He then flew off the handle on me...saying things like how I think his dad is so horrible and he wasn't a bad parents...that my childhood wasn't so bad that I need a therapist...that it could only be two things, abuse or touching, and he KNOWS those things didn't happen...etc. I told him that he doesn't know anything about what happened to me and he doesn't kno anything about my life and why I may need to talk to a therapist. After he got done yelling at me about how his dad did nothing to me, he then went on to say that he's tired of hearing all this shit about ME. He said, "I'm sorry, but parent your fucking kid. I know lots of people with three year old kids. They all talk and ride bikes. Jeffrey is fucking smart...there's nothing "special" about him." I started getting pissed after that and started yelling at him...he then hung up on me and refused to answer anymore of my calls...I left him a VM telling him that my kid has a learning disability and he's in therapy for speech (which they ALL know)...that when he wants to talk to me like an adult, he can call me back.

by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Replies (41-46):
Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2013 at 3:51 PM
It will take some time. She will probably bring things out that will hurt but keep going. I still don't have the courage to go. I scheduled an appointment but I'm debating. If you need any support just let me know. Who knows maybe it will help my issue in return.

Quoting lcappytan05:

I'm going to see someone next week. Hopefully she can help me work through all of this.

Quoting Rachael-Dawn:

You need a psychologist. Someone who can work through your issues with you. You were very lucky compared to some of us. You'll survive. Get some help and I am sure your gonna be alright. (Hugs)


Mommy103110
by on May. 8, 2013 at 4:03 PM

I am a mother to two beautiful girls. As a mother, there is NOTHING they can not tell me. I would hope that if anything like this were to ever happen, they would come to me.

 

But the fact that your mother allowed some of the abuse that she knew of, speaks for itself. If another man even used the wrong tone with my children, they would be OUT. I think what it is that you should do, is definitely talk with a therapist. Talk with them about how you are feeling. Then tell them your thoughts on telling your mother and get their opinion. What they will probably have you do is deal with the issues you are having now, (PTSD) and then figure in the right time to tell your mother. Possibly bring her to one of your sessions. But your therapist most likely will want to make sure that you are starting to feel better before telling your mother. Telling your mom should be part of the healing process. Your  brother is in denial because that is his REAL dad. No matter what, he will always justify his fathers actions because thats his dad. I see what you were trying to do with that conversation with him but i dont believe you should have done that. Let him decide if he wants to confront the situation or not. You are deciding to deal with it, he obviously doesnt want to and shouldnt have to because you are. I know you didnt mean to start anything or hurt him, but you have to try and respect his feelings on that because what if a half sister had awful things to say about your mother? Whether its true or not, it doesnt feel good to hear them.

Don't let your stepdad win. He has taken advantage of you and he is a sick man. Your mother deserves to know the kind of person he REALLY is. And if she chooses to stay with him, then you know where you stand with her. I dont give a damn if i was married 30 years with a man, if my kids came to me and told me these things, i would leave that man in a heartbeat. That is not a good man. That is a sick bastard

You do NOT deserve to live your life feeling the way he made you feel. You do NOT deserve to suffer from HIS actions. He should be the one sorry...not you.

Talk with your therapist and find a time to speak with your mother.

Good luck sweetie. I know its easier said then done. But just remember that this man should not have control over your life. If you are suffering from ptsd, he is controlling your life and you should take that step to owning your own life again and taking the steps to healing. If not, this will continue to weigh on you the rest of your life. Your son needs ALL of you as a mother, and if you are suffereing from ptsd, he is only getting half of his mother.

If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your son!

Good luck!!!

lcappytan05
by on May. 8, 2013 at 4:36 PM
I am trying. This is why I made the appointment. I want the control back in my life.

Quoting Mommy103110:

I am a mother to two beautiful girls. As a mother, there is NOTHING they can not tell me. I would hope that if anything like this were to ever happen, they would come to me.


 


But the fact that your mother allowed some of the abuse that she knew of, speaks for itself. If another man even used the wrong tone with my children, they would be OUT. I think what it is that you should do, is definitely talk with a therapist. Talk with them about how you are feeling. Then tell them your thoughts on telling your mother and get their opinion. What they will probably have you do is deal with the issues you are having now, (PTSD) and then figure in the right time to tell your mother. Possibly bring her to one of your sessions. But your therapist most likely will want to make sure that you are starting to feel better before telling your mother. Telling your mom should be part of the healing process. Your  brother is in denial because that is his REAL dad. No matter what, he will always justify his fathers actions because thats his dad. I see what you were trying to do with that conversation with him but i dont believe you should have done that. Let him decide if he wants to confront the situation or not. You are deciding to deal with it, he obviously doesnt want to and shouldnt have to because you are. I know you didnt mean to start anything or hurt him, but you have to try and respect his feelings on that because what if a half sister had awful things to say about your mother? Whether its true or not, it doesnt feel good to hear them.


Don't let your stepdad win. He has taken advantage of you and he is a sick man. Your mother deserves to know the kind of person he REALLY is. And if she chooses to stay with him, then you know where you stand with her. I dont give a damn if i was married 30 years with a man, if my kids came to me and told me these things, i would leave that man in a heartbeat. That is not a good man. That is a sick bastard


You do NOT deserve to live your life feeling the way he made you feel. You do NOT deserve to suffer from HIS actions. He should be the one sorry...not you.


Talk with your therapist and find a time to speak with your mother.


Good luck sweetie. I know its easier said then done. But just remember that this man should not have control over your life. If you are suffering from ptsd, he is controlling your life and you should take that step to owning your own life again and taking the steps to healing. If not, this will continue to weigh on you the rest of your life. Your son needs ALL of you as a mother, and if you are suffereing from ptsd, he is only getting half of his mother.


If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your son!


Good luck!!!

Grown_woman2192
by on May. 8, 2013 at 4:46 PM
I worded it wrong it was my bad. I hope everything works out for you :) It will all be ok, just put it in gods hands :) Everything happens for a reason, I was abused as a little girl also but by my stepmom. We are stronger woman from what happened :)


Quoting lcappytan05:

Ah...okay. I get what you're saying now. Sorry I misunderstood. I think that after I talk to my therapist, I'll have a better understanding of how to handle everything and how to approach all of this with her.

Quoting Grown_woman2192:

I didn't mean that in a mean way, sorry if I made it sound mean. I meant it. like, don't worry to much if u get sick in front of her etc, bc its completely normal to feel the way you do.





Quoting lcappytan05:

So what if I feel sick? Have you ever been through something like this? If not, then I don't feel it's appropriate for you to make that comment. I had a horrible day yesterday (meaning that it was affecting me more than most days). I threw up because of it...and I felt like I couldn't breathe at all yesterday.

Quoting Grown_woman2192:

she would want u to tell her. there is no reason to feel guilty. I know for a fact that I would want my son to tell me if anything like this happened to him. So what if u feel sick, you need to tell her. She will believe u.






Mommy103110
by on May. 8, 2013 at 10:19 PM

It's hard, but good for you for doing something about it!! I wish you the best of luck and hope you stay strong and keep seeing your therapist. There will come a point when you will tell yourself "Im fine, i dont need to see my therapist anymore." Don't do that lol Keep going.

 

Good luck!

momma_2013
by on May. 8, 2013 at 10:51 PM
im going to be staight with you on this.... i been there done that... you need to just be very blunt to ur mom on what happend and then tell him how u feel... you will never forget but if u forgive him u win this bad sitaution... do let it control you.... good luck
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