Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

How old is too old to put a child in the corner as a punishment/time out? My 13 yo dd lives with her father, step mom, 2 step brothers (8 & 6 years old) and a half sister (5 yo). Her SM punishes her for ridiculous things and the way she does it is to put her in the corner, then she gets mad when it doesn't affect my daughter at all. Also what's your view on putting dishsoap in a child's mouth? My dd will get frustrated with her sm and say something like "You're an a-hole" and her sm will put or try to put dishsoap in her mouth, actually cutting my dd's lip once because she wouldn't open her mouth. But the 8 yo can call his mom an a$$ or my dd a b*tch and nothing is said. They kind-of laugh it off. I would rather my dd father dealt with her discipline but I do understand that he has to work so he's not there all the time. But when something happens in the house, especially with my dd, his wife will call him and tell him what happened so he comes home already mad at her and doesn't bother to listen to her side. Or they will yell at her saying she acts just like me or has my attitude but wouldn't that be expected if I raised her by myself for the first 10 years of her life? Ugh, it's a horrible situation that idk how to fix.


**UPDATE OR BACK STORY***

Ok, ex was arrested in March 00 when dd was 5 months old. Spent about 10 yrs in prison, got out in July 09. Now, SM worked in one of the prisons that he was in and they started screwing around. She ended up pregnant and quit. So they have a 5 yo dd when he's only been out of prison for 4 years...anyway SM wasn't able to go see BF but I guess they wrote and maintained contact. NOBODY knew about her or their daughter, not even his mother. I allowed my dd to visit whenever his mother went, we agreed a long time ago not to keep her from the other. We have a decent friendship, until SM opens her mouth. Well when he got released, he barely spent any time with dd and that's all she wanted. She expected dad to come home and finally be a family but what happened is dad came home basically moved in with SM ended up marrying her Jan 10. So I feel my dd holds some resentment towards BF & SM. I think it's like they had their own family that she had to find a place to fit when it should've been the other way around since she was here first. My dd loves my dh, her sf, and looks at him like a father. Now the reason for custody is because in 2011 my dd wanted to go live with them b/c she was hoping that would help her spend more time with bf. Instead things got bad and she wanted to come home so bf didn't want the back and forth so we went to court to get it all in writing. She lived with me and went out there every other weekend and every sunday since that was/is is only full day off. He NEVER came and got her on a Sunday to just spend the day with her. They live 1 hr and 15 drive one way to their house. Now last April (2012) my dd sent out a cry for attention and cut herself a few times so he came and took emergency temporary custody of her. We discussed it and when we went to court to finalize it, I agreed to let her stay out there b/c she had made many friends, made honor roll at school, it just seemed like a great fit. Her emotional stability and happiness meant more to me than to have her with me going to a school where everyone was picking on her. The only thing she can't stand is her sm. Yes I feel sm picks on her sometimes since she is my dd and not hers. Even her paternal grandma has seen & heard the way they talk to her and tried to put a stop to it. I understand there are many sides to a story but I do tell my dd that sometimes she has to just deal with it, like the kids always around or bugging her. Like I told her, she has to pick her battles. Well of course now she wants to move back with me but the problem with that is I was terminated from my job Nov. 30 and my younger dd and I are living with my mom & grandma right now. I'm enrolled in school right now b/c that's what they want me to focus on. But I am thinking about going ahead and filing a petition to modify custody and parenting time and trying to get my dd voice heard about what goes on over there.

by on May. 17, 2013 at 5:31 AM
Replies (31-40):
mrs.hartman12
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:25 AM

All of you need to sit down and have a talk and make a parenting plan agreeing on discipline. 

BeachMommy07
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:27 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting IamMex11:

why is the sm disciplining her at all? this should be up to your ex!

I wouldn't allow my kid over their house plain and simple. Eff that.


Devious103102
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:28 AM

I wouldn't be upset with the SM for disciplining her (esp if she's the one with her all the time) I'd be annoyed at the soap thing, but yeah, the punishment all depends on the kid. Putting my 12-almost 13yr old-in a corner works because she HATES it!  She hates having to sit still and not do anything/be restricted from activity, but it wouldn't work for my middle 2, they'd just sit there like "ok, whatever" lol. 

petie1104
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:28 AM
2 moms liked this
Remember that you are only getting dd's version of events unless you witnessed this.

With that said, washing a mouth out with soap can cause major issues and should be dealt with. Is there any way you can get dh and sm to agree to go to parenting classes? It sounds like she has no idea what to do with a 13 yr old. I don't agree that sp shouldn't discipline. The school disciplines, any after school activities have the right to discipline etc. BUT those same rules should be followed. No physical punishment. Sitting out, doing chores, even removing the fun stuff like TV, game systems, and cell phones.

Other than that, if they are unwilling to take classes, you might need to involve a lawyer so that this can be court ordered. I'm assuming there is a reason he has custody, whether that's so you can get on your feet or whatever. If that can't change, maybe at least it can be ordered that sm cannot physically discipline the child and that they need classes.
LilliesValley
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:29 AM

Well I think putting her in time out is better than spanking her or putting soap in her mouth. I think they need to have some consistent rules for dd sake. Either no swearing for everyone or no one. and generally (unless it's something major), you get punished once. From what I understand putting soap in a kids mouth can be dangerous and I can't see myself doing it, but you're dd shouldn't be talking to any adult like that either. How often is she there? If this is every other weekend, maybe get visitation cut back to once a month or less? Not sure, step mom seems like she's there to stay. How is your relationship with dd father, can you discuss this with him or step mom? Why did the custody change recently. if he wasn't around for 10 years than why suddenly the interest?

MrS.GiFFord
by Brittany on May. 17, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Holy crap! I would be pissed since I don't believe in the whole washing a kids mouth out with soap. Good luck.

MomAsOf_2008
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Although I am a SM. I would never that to my Sd nor would she put in a corner. I do have both her BM and Dh permission to make her mind. Her BM even told my dh before we married. That she expects me to make her mind and get on to her when she does not. I just ground her from the computer or something like that. If she where to use something like B**ch or something along those lines. I would let dh or her BM handle it. I know my place as her SM. Although her BM says I may not be her Bio Mom, I am her mom just the same and I deserve respect just the same.
kattu
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Maybe he should just be the one to discipline her when he gets home. She is 13, only enough not to need it instantly.

Quoting Christinaaz0919:

I 100% agree and I told him that, his response is because he's usually working and don't get home til 5-6pm, sometimes 7pm. I told him then when he gets home go sit down with dd and find out what happened; get both sides of the story. But he won't, he automatically believes sm. SM gets in the middle of everything. Ex and I get along fine and can compromise about visitation until she gets in his ear and wants things done her way. For example, I'm supposed to get dd from the 4th of July til the weekend before school starts in Aug. Ex and dd asked me if I wanted to take her from end of school til 4th of July, basically just trade. I said sure of course (especially just to get dd away from there). Now SM tells dd that if I take her when school ends, I have to bring her back June 30 because that's the halfway mark so that's only fair. And tells my dd to pass along the message to me. So now I have to call ex tomorrow to find out what is exactly going on and why in the hell is sm talking about any of this to dd since it specifically states in the custody papers we are not to discuss anything with her and she sure as hell isn't supposed to play messenger!







Quoting IamMex11:

why is the sm disciplining her at all? this should be up to your ex!

Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2013 at 11:35 AM
I think its total bs that she doesn't punish her own children for their mouths. Also if your child is saying things like that then she's picking it up from the people around her. I'm not sure how I would deal with it because mine don't do that. One of them swore one time and I washed his mouth out. He used the f word at wrestling practice. His coach has a bad mouth. Anyhow he got it washed out and has not done it again. In front of me anyway. If any of my boys called me anything like that they would pick themselves up off the floor but I pray we never go that direction. Aside from that I would talk to bd about what you feel is ok and not ok with you on punishment for a 13 month old. I can tell you I do not agree with sticking a 13 month old in a corner. Maybe a one minute time out but I still think thats way too young for her to understand a punishment of that magnitude yet. I hope you two can get it worked out to where your comfortable with the situation and dd is alright. If not, take it to a judge.
AnnaNonamus
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:35 AM

If my 13yo called anyone an a-hole, I would be doing something about it, rather than being worried about the person who is. 

You can't change how your DD's family disciplines their own kids. But you can change how your DD acts. And I would be spending the summer doing a major overhaul of that kind of behavior. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)