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She is asking about her dad ....

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 Idk how to handle this. My 5 year old has never asked or even noticed anything was different about our family. I know the time was sure to come and im glad she is asking but idk what to say to her or what words to use and not use when telling her. Her dad and i are divorced. We have not seen him in 3 years. I have not goten child support in almost a year now and he never calls or sends anything. The last time i even heard from him was on March 25 on my oldests birthday. He called at like 9 at night. I was putting her to bed and did not see my phone till almost 10 and by that time she was already asleep (no he did not tell me he was going to call, he has never called before). She has asked where he is before and i always tell her that he lives far away (truth, he lives in FL and we are in TN). The other day my mom picked her up from daycare and she began to ask the questions. Where is my dad ? Why is he so far away ? Can i see him ? Etc Etc. I dont know how to best handle this. Im struggling financially as it is. I cant afford 3 plain tickets or to drive all the way down there not to mention hotel and what not. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this the best way ? Without hurting her or haing her be angry at me ??

by on May. 17, 2013 at 10:43 PM
Replies (11-20):
brittanyjenean
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Explain to her that sometimes there are people who aren't ready to be a parent, so they get scared and run. Tell her it has nothing in the world to do with her and that it is in no way her fault. Tell her that her father doesn't know what he is missing out on and tell her how wonderful she is and how you are lucky to have a daughter like her. Tell her that there are families just like hers all over the world. If she ever has questions about her dad, just be honest. As she grows she will form her own opinion of him.
elasmimi
by Platinum Member on May. 18, 2013 at 10:04 AM

I am sort of in the same situation. I am raising a 6 year old great grandchild. Her Dad is in prison, and she has not seen him in three years and never asks about him. But her mom is right here in town, and only sees her sporadically, it's been almost a year this time. When she asks about her mom, we just answer honestly. We tell her that her mom doesn't answer out calls, we don't know why, but if she calls or comes around we will arrange a meeting. We always emphasize that it is NOT her fault, her mom is just "having a hard time" Good luck

aj23
by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 10:35 AM

My son is 6 and  he rarely sees his dad. We both live in TN and only 2 hours apart so there really isn't any reason for him not to other than his dads laziness.
He often asks why doesn't his dad come see him and I tell him I'm not sure but I'll ask his dad the next time i talk to him. I can't tell him the truth because it's harsh so I tell him as much of it as I can. His dads a truck driver so I use the he's on the road excuse a lot.  Now he's starting to ask if I'll drive him to Clarksville to see his dad and I drive him up there sometimes to his grandparents (his dad lives with them) and let them explain why dads not there.

lil_mama06
by Brian's Lil Vixen on May. 18, 2013 at 11:16 AM

HUGS HUGS HUGS..I have no answer's...

nikkichris612
by on May. 18, 2013 at 4:15 PM
1 mom liked this

 Gosh, does this kind of stuff go straight up my a**.  First, I will say, as a divorced mom who never wants to say anything bad about the other parent, it's soooo hard and the most important thing is to craft your words enough that she doesn't feel like she is the reason he doesn't come around.  Secondly, as a therapist, for a few of my young patients, I had them sit with their mother and together write a letter directly to Dad asking him all of those things.  They sent it certified, just as an extra dig...lol...some answered, some did not.  It thwarted the burden of how to answer those questions right back to the idiot who SHOULD.  In the meantime, vague answers such as he works a lot and is far away seem to be ok.  Be sure to also add from time to time: "I'm sure he loves you and is thinking of you too."  Things like that help more than you know.  The wonderful--and depressing--part of our generation is that most kids come from broken homes so no one seems to be grilled anymore.  I remember when I was school aged, divorce was unheard of and seemed weird.  So no worries with school.  Make sure all is well at home before you even begin to worry about school.  One hurdle at a time.  Good luck and God bless your family. :)

Pooobaihr
by Silver Member on May. 18, 2013 at 6:47 PM

Tell her the truth.

Where is my dad? He lives in Florida.

Why is he so far away? Its where he wanted to live. (if he has a job, say his job sent him there)

Can I see him? Sweetie, it costs a lot of money to fly to florida and I cannot afford it right now. Maybe one day, but not right now.

>_> Be honest.

Kathy489
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2013 at 7:06 PM

I would be careful about promoting too much communication between the dad and the kids. Next thing you know, he will be trying to get custody or visitations. If he wanted to be a part of their lives, he would have made that decision long ago. He wouldn't be all of a sudden popping up. I would be suspicious.

Sharon300
by Sharon on May. 18, 2013 at 7:26 PM

I would sit her down and talk to her. If you do not know an answer tell her you dont know. Be honest with her.

Love2Bugs
by on May. 20, 2013 at 1:06 AM
Thank you for this !!! I'm def going to be getting this when I get paid on Tuesday !!!

Quoting dtm1491:

I went through this and my dd is 10. The last time she saw her Father she was 1 and she was about the same age as your child. What I did worked for us so I will pass it on to you and hope it works the same. The very first thing I did was go to Amazon.com and I purchased a book titled *DO I HAVE A DADDY?*. I highly recommend this book. It tells the story of a child asking his single Mom where his Dad is and it points out some reasons why Mommy's and Daddy's sometimes can't live together. We turned to this book for years. I was also very honest, never bad talked him. I just said that we had two different lives and that her life was with me. After a while she stopped asking. Now at 10 she doesn't ask at all and I have since passed the book on to someone else. It was truly one of the best tools I used.

Love2Bugs
by on May. 20, 2013 at 1:08 AM
Small world. I live in Clarksville.

Quoting aj23:

My son is 6 and  he rarely sees his dad. We both live in TN and only 2 hours apart so there really isn't any reason for him not to other than his dads laziness.
He often asks why doesn't his dad come see him and I tell him I'm not sure but I'll ask his dad the next time i talk to him. I can't tell him the truth because it's harsh so I tell him as much of it as I can. His dads a truck driver so I use the he's on the road excuse a lot.  Now he's starting to ask if I'll drive him to Clarksville to see his dad and I drive him up there sometimes to his grandparents (his dad lives with them) and let them explain why dads not there.

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