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Parents paying for adult children to come on vacation with them? (NEW Update in RED)

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:17 AM
  • 34 Replies

Did your parents pay for you to go on family vacations after you became an adult?

If they did not pay your way, how old were you when they stopped paying?  How did you feel about their decision?  

Would you feel obligated to save and at least pay part of your own way?  Or would you expect your parents to pay for everything or most things?

***Example: Adult in question is a 21yr old female college graduate with a full-time job, living at home. Younger siblings are 16, 11 and 9yrs of age.

ETA 6/3/13 - 6pm CSt

Here is a little more information:

She went on a dozen, or more really nice family vacations before the bottom fell out of our financial situation in the early 2000's.  Her younger siblings have only been on a couple of real vacations. This year, we might able to go on real vacation for the first time in years - but if we have to pay for her plane ticket, we can't go.

*IF* we could afford it, it would be a non-issue.  BUT - she lives in our house for free and makes twice as much money as I do (we both work full-time, but the family's health insurance comes out of my paycheck, including her health insurance).  She is welcome to come and we would pay for her hotel and most, if not all of her meals, we just can't afford the plane ticket for her on top of all that. She would need to pay for her plane ticket and any extra spending money above what we would be providing.

Letting her know now, is giving her the opportunity to save up.  5 months is plenty of time for her to save $, when the only thing she has to pay for is her $100 phone bill and her $140 car insurance (and gas in her truck).  She is supposed to be paying us $300/mo, but we've seen $150 of that since we first told her she has to help out financially (back in Feb).

OBVIOUSLY, we want her to come, and we wish we could easily afford everyone, but we think with our financial situation, that she's been on dozens of expensive vacations in her life and her siblings haven't, the fact that we've helped her for over a year financially and that she has plenty of time to save up, is reason enough for her to take responsibility for her own airfare. 

What are your thoughts?  I feel badly that she's hurt - that's not our intention, I just think at her age, she should be more understanding.  FWIW, neither DH, nor I have parents who ever paid for us to go on vacations after the age of 18 - and they COULD afford to take us.  So, to us, it just seems like she's acting a little bit entitled.

6/17/13 UPDATE:  Okay, so last week we went to a waterpark.  It was a swim team trip - SS16, ODD11 and YDD9 are all on a year round swim team and every year they go to Schlitterbahn with the team - the tickets are included in our team fees, DH and I paid for our own ticket and we brought a cooler full of food and drinks - we didn't spend a dime once we got there.  

We considered inviting SD, but here are our reasons why we didn't: SD21 is not on the swim team, she works full time, and she weighs 330lbs+ (meaning she can only ride 2 or 3 rides - the lazy rivers) - we didn't want her to have to sit out all day and watch everyone else.  

We didn't mention it to her and just assumed she's smart enough to figure out it was one of those reasons why she didn't go, but she got all sensitive and upset - said it's not fair that we took SS's girlfriend and not her...when in reality, SS's girlfriend went to the waterpark all on her own - she found her own ride, bought her own ticket and paid her own way.  It's a public place, we can't block her from coming.  

Same goes with SD - it's a public place, if she wanted to go so badly, she could've just told us she was coming and we'd be fine with it, but we honestly thought she wouldn't want to go for all the reasons I mentioned.  So, WHY is she STILL upset with us??

Then it dawned on me - This goes WAY deeper than I ever thought it did.

I'll try and make this epiphany short:  When SD and SS's mom (BM) was alive, life was "a challenge" for all of us.  BM lost custody due to kidnapping and lies to the judges between two states.  We have had full custody since 2001.  BM caused a lot of unnecessary drama between my stepkids and us.  

SS was only 13 when his mom died, so he was able to recover from the parental alienation pretty quickly.  SD was 19 and already living on her own at college - to this day, she still believes some of the outrageous lies her mother told her about us.  And we recently discovered SD has a warped sense of reality regarding the details of her childhood (where she lived, who she lived with, why she wasn't allowed to do the extra curricular activities she wanted to do, how she gained all her weight) all because of the parental alienation (lies BM told the skids throughout the years - I mean who wants to believe their mom is lying - the supposed most trusted individual in your life, right?).  

So, now DH and I have to figure out a way to help SD clear up her memory of her childhood - she is so bitter and angry at us for things her mother made up - it's anger she doesn't need to carry.  DH and I have decided to seek counseling for us so we can help SD (SD won't go, we've tried).

I want her to move out and be independent, but I want her to do it in peace - I want her to feel like she can come back here for familial support - to do her laundry - for family meals - for parental advice - etc.

by on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
babygirlsmom314
by Corinne on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:18 AM
1 mom liked this

My mom has paid for things while I was on vacation with her.  But she didn't pay for everything.

I would think a 21 yr old with a full time job that lives at home could pay for herself.

godsgirl26
by ♥Char2theMaine♥ on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:21 AM
My mom has never paid for any vacation I had to pay my own way. But 21 yeah she can pay for her own way.
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:22 AM

My mom has paid for us to come out as well as my dad has paid for us to come out.  I try to pay my way while there and i get scolded at.  I am in my 30s so if i want to indulge in a food they dont normally have in the house, I prefer to buy it myself.  Even when i was in my 20s and she had rented a beach house for a week, none of the children were expected to help out with the costs except for any outings that we went on like to a souvenir shop.

JP-StrongForTwo
by on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:26 AM

Why does it matter if a mother chooses to pay for her adult child? 

Is it that big a deal? 

I wouldnt feel obligated to pay my way, nor would i feel my parents responsible. 

There is no reason to come to an agreement that works for everyone. 

ccmvm
by on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:30 AM

We expect to pay our own way and everything that entails. We just went on vacation to visit my Family and paid everything but my Dad felt like he should give us $$ to help cover costs and gave us giftcards to various restaurants etc we could use while visiting. It was nice of him and we did not expect that.

My FIL has talked to us about joining his family on a cruise some day and said he would pay our way to go. In this case if he wants us to go along and will pay our way then we will go and join his family. If FIL changes his mind about paying our way when his family is going then we will stay behind since it's not necesarilly a vacation we are planning or budgeting for. I don't expect him to pay and bring us along but he shouldnt expect us to pay to come along with him on their vacation if we don't want to. i'd rather spend the money and go to Disneyland lol.

MissTacoBell
by Taco Bell Princess on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:31 AM
We went to Disneyland when I was 18. Paid for my plane ticket since I couldn't leave until a day after them for work. Also paid everything else. I paid for souvenirs of course. My brothers were 19, 22 and my sister was 23. They paid for everyone (though sister lives an hour away from Disneyland).
lili_monkey
by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2013 at 2:32 AM

pppfffffffffffffft! I wish they paid for vacations when I was a kid!!! We barely ever, ever went anywhere as kids.

heres a bump!

Woodbabe
by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2013 at 7:05 AM
1 mom liked this

If its one kid and all the others going are underaged, it seems kind of mean to not include her! Just because she's working full time doesn't mean she's rolling in money! Very few people are able to afford vacations when they're first starting out and I would never take my family and exclude an adult child because of money.

Mommylovesdada
by Member on Jun. 3, 2013 at 7:18 AM
We went to Disney in Oct and they paid for everything. The trip was their idea, they wanted to take all the grandkids. If it was a trip we were involved in planning though we would def pay our way.
mommytoeandb
by Gold Member on Jun. 3, 2013 at 7:26 AM

Hmm...my parents have not paid for a vacation as an adult.  It hasn't come up as we're more than capable of paying our own way.  If the parent wants to pay for the adult to go on the trip, then I don't see an issue.  Does the adult living at home pay rent?  

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