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the phone call that rocked our world th is weekend!

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this weekend has been a real adventure. Dh's 12 year old daughtet called. He hasn't seen or spoken to her in 9 years so it was totally out of the blue. The reason behind that was because when she was 3 dh was pur on probation for something that happened. The terms of his probation said that he was not allowed to have contact with his daughter. once off probation when she was 9 years old he tried to contact her but her mother threatened him. Said she would take him back to court for morw child support, she lie and make up stuff to try and get him thrown in jail ect. He did take her to court but the courts agreed that he shouldn't be allowed to she her.

So all this time he has paid his child support in full and on time, kept health insurance on her, paid for half of all school expenses and sent her $100 on her birthday and christmas.

Saturday late afternoon he gets a phone call from his daughter asking if a she can come over. Dh was at work and couldn't get off but set up for the next day. The next day we picked her up and took her to the flea market and out to lunch. Dh told me that she said her mother has been telling her all along that the reason he hasn't seen her is because he didn't love her and thought she was a burden. He explained how that wasn"t true. Well throught the visit she kept asking odd questions. She asked me how much I paid for my car, begged dh to take her to see our house and asked if she could come over for christmas. Very nice girl, very cute. She didn't seem upset or shyed away from anything. To me it seemed like she didn't care why he dad wasn"t around all those years. Almost as if she had a different agenda.

Well when we dropped her off her mom was telling dh and I how every 3 years she gets a letter from the state asking if she wants to modify the child support but she declines because dh always pays his child support in full and on time. Not like her other kids dad who doesn't. Dh said he felt like she was nicely threatening him. Why would you tell your daughters father in front of her that you considered taking him for more money but didn't that we should be greatful.

I told dh to tread lightly on this whole situation. That I will support him having a relationship with his daughter. That I am here for him and will support him 100 percent. We'll just have too see where it goes. What do you make of the situation?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Replies (11-20):
Lynn750
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:23 PM

   I agree that it sounds like your SD's BM sent her over to find out if she can get more money from you.  Until you have a better idea of their motives, I would change the subject, and avoid ansering those money questions.  Deflect her question with one of your own.  (Often a male tactic. LOL!)  Ask her why she wants to know, what car does she want when she grows up, etc. 

   I hope she's just curious, and wants to have a relationship with her dad, but I'd take it slow at first.  It sounds like they live close by-?  Start with weekend visits.  Your DH is certainly entitled to see the daughter he's been supporting all these years!  If the BM won't allow visits, take her to court.  His fear of her lies shouldn't stop him from seeking time with his child.  The courts see people lying to prevent visits all the time, and unless there's solid evidence or a long standing history of bad behavior on his part, the courts will let him see her.

berlgirl1224
by Gold Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:33 PM
Yup


Quoting frillyflower:

Huh. Sounded to me like she sent her daughter to "scope out" how nice your stuff is so she will know if it's worth it to take you for more money or not.

erinsmom1964
by Ruby Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:46 PM

What does it matter if he should be paying more than he should be paying more.  you act like its such a noble thing that he has fulfilled his obligation .  Its not its the right thing to do and I can only imagine what he was on probation for for so long and that it included not being able to be around his child.  that is rare.  

erinsmom1964
by Ruby Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:48 PM

Something was bad enough to land him on probation for 6 years and for the courts to say he couldn't see her the whole time he was on probation.  I know many people that have been or on probation and i have only seen that stipulation in domestic violence and child abuse/endangerment cases.

Quoting Lynn750:

   I agree that it sounds like your SD's BM sent her over to find out if she can get more money from you.  Until you have a better idea of their motives, I would change the subject, and avoid ansering those money questions.  Deflect her question with one of your own.  (Often a male tactic. LOL!)  Ask her why she wants to know, what car does she want when she grows up, etc. 

   I hope she's just curious, and wants to have a relationship with her dad, but I'd take it slow at first.  It sounds like they live close by-?  Start with weekend visits.  Your DH is certainly entitled to see the daughter he's been supporting all these years!  If the BM won't allow visits, take her to court.  His fear of her lies shouldn't stop him from seeking time with his child.  The courts see people lying to prevent visits all the time, and unless there's solid evidence or a long standing history of bad behavior on his part, the courts will let him see her.


MamaJess9
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:49 PM
What did your DH do that the courts didn't allow him to see his own daughter for 9 years?
little.worthen
by Tess on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:49 PM
It's almost like she was trying to see how much money you have so her mom could fight for more support based off of your assets etc.

It sounds shady. "Hi I haven't seen you in 9 years, so how much did you pay for your car and how big is your house?"
erinsmom1964
by Ruby Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:52 PM

Why is it shady to after 9 years see if its worth it to ask for a reconsideration.  9 years is along time and the cost of living has gone up.  If he should be paying more than he should.  Its not like she can say hey I need 500 more a month and the state just does it.  There are rules and formulas to be followed.  I don't understand this train of thought

Quoting little.worthen:

It's almost like she was trying to see how much money you have so her mom could fight for more support based off of your assets etc.

It sounds shady. "Hi I haven't seen you in 9 years, so how much did you pay for your car and how big is your house?"


KellBell0820
by Silver Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:53 PM
Kinda how it seems to me too. That or mom told her if she wanted nicer things to try and get the money from him.


Quoting frillyflower:

Huh. Sounded to me like she sent her daughter to "scope out" how nice your stuff is so she will know if it's worth it to take you for more money or not.

btherese
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:54 PM

He needs to see his child, and the child needs her dad. That said, use caution, lots of love, document everything, talk to an atty., do all you can to cover your butt, but the most important thing is the relationship, and for him to continue to be the dad the girl needs. The daughter sounds smart, she will see the truth one day, and if her mom is like I think she is, he'll be the better influence in her life; blessings!

little.worthen
by Tess on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:57 PM
No I say it's shady the way they went about finding out their finances.
My ex pays child support but works part time, about 10 hours a week at a fast food place making minimum wage.
He also works for his cousin as a "volunteer" and gets paid under the table $23 an hour.
Obviously the state bases the child support off of his income that is taxed so he pays me $98 a month for my 8 year old.
Honestly I don't need the money and we are friends so I don't care enough to report him, but he obviously is making a lot more money than he says.
I'm not saying its shady to make them have to pay more, I'm saying the way she was sneaking around for proof of a higher income is shady.


Quoting erinsmom1964:

Why is it shady to after 9 years see if its worth it to ask for a reconsideration.  9 years is along time and the cost of living has gone up.  If he should be paying more than he should.  Its not like she can say hey I need 500 more a month and the state just does it.  There are rules and formulas to be followed.  I don't understand this train of thought

Quoting little.worthen:

It's almost like she was trying to see how much money you have so her mom could fight for more support based off of your assets etc.



It sounds shady. "Hi I haven't seen you in 9 years, so how much did you pay for your car and how big is your house?"


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