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Not evil, but feel like it...

Posted by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 7:20 AM
  • 13 Replies
1 mom liked this

Good morning,

I'm new to this site, but I got on here because I've been a step for almost 2 years and just last summer my husband's daughter (now 14) moved in with us.  I have 4 boys ages 9-16 and one to my new husband (18 mo), so I don't have any experience raising girls; however, I'm a middle school teacher, so I deal with that age all the time, including their drama.

Here's my issue:  We (my husband and I) agreed that the kids would have simple jobs around the house, especially for the summer.  My kids have been doing jobs for years, so to them, it's no big deal.  His daughter has never had to do anything.  At Christmas we bought her two chinchillas, which she wanted.  Because my oldest son has 3 chinchillas, they are to take turns making sure they all have food and water.  My step daughter has Fri-Sun only (this job is an all year job that she's had since Dec).  She never does it.  I write it as a reminder, I physically tell her, and she still doesn't do it.  So, then my husband tells her, she often never does it.  When my boys don't do their jobs they lose video game/tv priviledges; when she doesn't do it, he just talks to her...and she still almost never does it.   She also has a dog that she almost never feeds or cleans up after.  We agreed that all jobs in the summer needed to happen first thing when the kids got up, right after breakfast.  Last night, she still didn't have her job done (which also included sweeping behind her chinchilla cage).  At 10, I fed and gave water to the chinchillas.  Needless to say, I was mad.  Yes, my husband had also reminded her.  Then he got upset with me, b/c I got upset about the whole thing.  Anytime I try to talk to him about her doing anything, he gets defensive.  He says he doesn't want to push her, b/c he's afraid she will move back in with her mom.  Literally, his daughter never left her room during the whole school year, reluctantly came out for dinner, and never talked to anyone - she's like a hermit; I can't believe she's happy here.  But, my husband says she is.

So, I guess my problem is:

1. she won't do anything unless told to at least 5 times, which I don't have time or energy for

2.  my husband won't discipline her, b/c he's afraid she will leave

3.  my kids see her as the "princess" of the house, b/c she never has to do anything, and never gets punished/disciplined

4.  she isn't learning anything by this

5.  all communication between me and my husband regarding her is completely cut off, b/c he gets so defensive that I don't even bother anymore.

I'm growing to not want her here, b/c of the stress her laziness is causing.  I'm not a bad person, what I am asking her (and my own kids) to do is not unfair or unrealistic, but I'm getting stressed out about it.

Does anyone have advice??? I've tried talking to my husband; it ends in a fight.  I've talked to my son's counselor and she agrees there needs to be some accountability and it needs to come from my husband.

Thanks,

J

by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 7:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
foreplay
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 7:34 AM

A parent's job is to turn kids into productive, responsible members of society. No one likes a spoiled princess. She lives in your house, your rules apply. If she doesn't like it she can go live with her mom. You're setting limits which is what she needs.

LancesMom
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this
Have you put this all down for hubby to see? You have quite a list going and guys don't see "the whole picture", only in the moment. He needs to see how her being a "princess" is hurting the family as a whole. You need to sit down together and make changes to make her a part of, not above, the family.
Bmat
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 9:43 AM
4 moms liked this

I didn't find the sharing jobs to work. I'd recommend having one job for each and not alternating.  Each child should have their own chinchilla cage and care for their own pets. When she stops caring for hers, take them to the humane society.

Be sure to tell your husband the situation. If she leaves, she leaves. She is causing problems in the household. She needs to do her chores and face the consequences if she doesn't.  See if you can get your husband to seek counseling. If not, seek couples counseling.

Reina13
by Gold Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 10:51 AM

I absolutely agree with this.

Quoting LancesMom:

Have you put this all down for hubby to see? You have quite a list going and guys don't see "the whole picture", only in the moment. He needs to see how her being a "princess" is hurting the family as a whole. You need to sit down together and make changes to make her a part of, not above, the family.


la_bella_vita
by Platinum Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 10:53 AM

 As do I

Quoting Reina13:

I absolutely agree with this.

Quoting LancesMom:

Have you put this all down for hubby to see? You have quite a list going and guys don't see "the whole picture", only in the moment. He needs to see how her being a "princess" is hurting the family as a whole. You need to sit down together and make changes to make her a part of, not above, the family.


 

teaspring
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:00 PM


This exactly...  if she can't/won't take care of the pet, she obviously doesn't want it, nor does she deserve to have it. 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  hugzzz momma!

Quoting Bmat:

I didn't find the sharing jobs to work. I'd recommend having one job for each and not alternating.  Each child should have their own chinchilla cage and care for their own pets. When she stops caring for hers, take them to the humane society.



hugss
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by Emerald Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:44 PM

I also agree with this ;)

Quoting LancesMom:

Have you put this all down for hubby to see? You have quite a list going and guys don't see "the whole picture", only in the moment. He needs to see how her being a "princess" is hurting the family as a whole. You need to sit down together and make changes to make her a part of, not above, the family.


notevil
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 2:19 PM
thank you all so much, you're right about the jobs. It needs to be an all the time thing, then maybe it will become habit.
elasmimi
by Platinum Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 2:23 PM

It is one of the hardest parts of motherhood for me to have kids do chores. Mine always feel abused. But I agree, you need to talk with hubby, and having a certain chore to do is easier to enforce than changing around.

ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:31 AM

 Is the cage in her room?  If it is, I would make sure it was fed and watered.  If she doesn';t clean it then it is her room that will be messy and stinky.  I know this is a passive/aggressive approach, but I would remind her once.  If she doesn't do it, do the feeding adn watering, but leave the cleaning to her.

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