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My boyfriend and I are younger (21& 23) and are both first time parents. We currently live with roommates but the lease is up soon and will be getting our own place. I'm unemployed and he is working 2 jobs (70 hrs a week) to be able to financially support us. While I appreciate this very much, that's the only kind of support he is providing. We obviously don't talk much through the day- he leaves for work at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until a little after 9 pm. As soon as he gets home he wants to go to bed -understandable. But if I'm feeding (bfing) our LO and I ask him to get me a little something to eat he complains and complains about how tired he is -he complains longer than what it would take for him to just get the food. Also, he is so tired that we don't even hardly talk when he gets home. As for the weekend: he hates sitting at home doing nothing so during the weekend he just wants to be out and go to a friend's or have a friend come here or just go do something. And me and baby go with but I feel like he isn't considering how inconvenient it is for me to be in public all weekend when I have to bf the baby. I feel like he doesn't spend any family time with us and it hurts my feelings. But when I try to communicate like a mature adult couple should, and I try to tell him all of this, he gets mad and says, "Well I'm sorry I work all the time! I get no appreciation for how much I work and its all for you 2!" Or he asks me to quit nagging. Is it just me, or does this seem like a problem? Am I being too sensitive? What can I do for him to understand before it turns into a fight or before I have to have an emotional breakdown for him to know this is a serious issue for me.. ?
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Replies (11-20):
mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:11 AM
What exactly should I be doing other than taking care of a newborn? It's not like I'm expecting him to work all day and come cook me dinner and clean the house. I ask for a bowl of oatmeal or a sandwich every once in awhile. If I'm feeding the baby it shouldn't be a big deal to go put some lunch meat and cheese on some bread. I don't blame him for wanting to be with his friends. I would just like family time. I don't want "his life to consist of staring at me while I breastfeed." I'd like conversation... Communication... A little intimacy!!! If I wanted to do it all on my own and didn't care to have a family or my man to talk to, we wouldnt be together and I'd do it all on my own at my parents house (plus I'd have more conversations over there). But I want for us to have a relationship and for us to be a family....


Quoting Dzyre1115:

 You can't have it both ways, you can't have a man that works that much and still have to come home and do what you should be doing yourself and his idea of down time is not staring at you breastfeeding a baby.  His life consists of work and sleep, so if he wants to be with his friends on the weekend, who can blame him?


Dzyre1115
by Desiree` on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:15 AM

 As far as him getting you food, you can do that yourself, he works a lot.....but the rest is due to his age and immaturity, he's twenty three. 

Quoting mkhc-531:

What exactly should I be doing other than taking care of a newborn? It's not like I'm expecting him to work all day and come cook me dinner and clean the house. I ask for a bowl of oatmeal or a sandwich every once in awhile. If I'm feeding the baby it shouldn't be a big deal to go put some lunch meat and cheese on some bread. I don't blame him for wanting to be with his friends. I would just like family time. I don't want "his life to consist of staring at me while I breastfeed." I'd like conversation... Communication... A little intimacy!!! If I wanted to do it all on my own and didn't care to have a family or my man to talk to, we wouldnt be together and I'd do it all on my own at my parents house (plus I'd have more conversations over there). But I want for us to have a relationship and for us to be a family....


Quoting Dzyre1115:

 You can't have it both ways, you can't have a man that works that much and still have to come home and do what you should be doing yourself and his idea of down time is not staring at you breastfeeding a baby.  His life consists of work and sleep, so if he wants to be with his friends on the weekend, who can blame him?


 

mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:18 AM
No its the 5 languages of love.. she said its better to read it together because it'll help us understand each other better and help each other understand the other's "love language" .. she and my dad read it in some bible study or church group thing for couples I think.. idk. Lol


Quoting terpmama:


You can do the online quiz for yourself and him... Might help you understand where the misunderstandings are. Not sure why you read it together, unless you're confusing the love dare book. 


Quoting mkhc-531:

Actually my step mom got me the book for my bday. But she said its really a book to go through together and he is just so busy all of the time (except for weekends and he doesn't want to be at home at all...) It seems almost impossible for us to find time to go through it. :/





Quoting terpmama:

Try looking at the love languages... (Google. There's a quiz you can take)... Sounds like you have different living styles (kinda like learning styles but related to showing and receiving love).  Take a look and you'll see what I mean.







mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/


Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.
Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(





Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3




KellyNips
by Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 7:39 AM

i think you are being extremely immature -- your SO works hard to provide for you -- you should show your appreciation and stop nagging -- if you don't like stting at home and living off of someone, then i suggest get off your butt and get  job.  find a babysitter and get a job -- i don't see a future for this relationship -- surprised it has lasted as long as it has.

momto3boys85
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 8:13 AM

no offense, but agreed 100% here. if your a stay at home mom of one child you should be able to make your own sandwich.

Quoting Dzyre1115:

 You can't have it both ways, you can't have a man that works that much and still have to come home and do what you should be doing yourself and his idea of down time is not staring at you breastfeeding a baby.  His life consists of work and sleep, so if he wants to be with his friends on the weekend, who can blame him?


mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:13 AM
She is a newborn. 3 weeks old. I breastfeed .. I am not on gov assistance at all except for insurance so I don't have a pump and formula is way too expensive. I do get my own food when I can -in between feedings and catching up on my own sleep. But I just don't think asking for something quick and simple is a big deal.


Quoting momto3boys85:

no offense, but agreed 100% here. if your a stay at home mom of one child you should be able to make your own sandwich.

Quoting Dzyre1115:

 You can't have it both ways, you can't have a man that works that much and still have to come home and do what you should be doing yourself and his idea of down time is not staring at you breastfeeding a baby.  His life consists of work and sleep, so if he wants to be with his friends on the weekend, who can blame him?



momdoes
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:17 AM

Its not just you, its both of you.

terpmama
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:47 AM
1 mom liked this


Maybe try writing a letter.  Use "I feel" a lot and "you" very little. 

Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/


Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.
Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(





Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3






mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:49 AM
It's not like I constantly nag. I ask for family time and some conversation sometimes. I don't nag him about not getting me food. That was an example to say "I know he works hard but I feel like I'm not getting any help other than financial." I can't get a job right now since I have to watch baby all day, and we can't take her to a babysitter for 4 reasons: She is 3 weeks old and most places won't take babies until 6 weeks, I breastfeed and don't own a pump so there'd be no way to feed her we can't afford child care (or formula or a pump right now either), and also because I'm picky about where I'll leave my child -I want her to be educated not spoiled so I'd want to take her to a preschool not a family member and I worked in a bad preschool for about 6 months and a good one for 3 yrs so I know how I want her taken care of and by whom. (Tuition is $243/ week for infants. If you want to send me a check for that so I can get a job be my guest.) You clearly haven't read any of the other posts under the main one. He and I were together for 3 yrs and engaged and because of the same thing, lack of communication and personal time together (as well as other reasons that are not an issue now), I left. We love each other very much and very much want to be a family. It's not the living off of him that I don't like, although I don't like that - but not because of me but because I feel bad for him feeling like he needs to work so hard to support me. It's the lack of intimacy that's more of a problem than living off of him or him not making me a damn sandwich (which shouldnt be a big deal anyway) .. If I never wanted to see him or talk to him I'd move back in with my parents. But I'm trying to make this work because I want to. Please don't act like I'm lazy and just bumming off of him and complaining about everything he does when I have a free ride. That isn't the case. I'm not a materialistic person. I just want some quality time/family time with my man. If that makes me immature then oh well...


Quoting KellyNips:

i think you are being extremely immature -- your SO works hard to provide for you -- you should show your appreciation and stop nagging -- if you don't like stting at home and living off of someone, then i suggest get off your butt and get  job.  find a babysitter and get a job -- i don't see a future for this relationship -- surprised it has lasted as long as it has.


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