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My boyfriend and I are younger (21& 23) and are both first time parents. We currently live with roommates but the lease is up soon and will be getting our own place. I'm unemployed and he is working 2 jobs (70 hrs a week) to be able to financially support us. While I appreciate this very much, that's the only kind of support he is providing. We obviously don't talk much through the day- he leaves for work at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until a little after 9 pm. As soon as he gets home he wants to go to bed -understandable. But if I'm feeding (bfing) our LO and I ask him to get me a little something to eat he complains and complains about how tired he is -he complains longer than what it would take for him to just get the food. Also, he is so tired that we don't even hardly talk when he gets home. As for the weekend: he hates sitting at home doing nothing so during the weekend he just wants to be out and go to a friend's or have a friend come here or just go do something. And me and baby go with but I feel like he isn't considering how inconvenient it is for me to be in public all weekend when I have to bf the baby. I feel like he doesn't spend any family time with us and it hurts my feelings. But when I try to communicate like a mature adult couple should, and I try to tell him all of this, he gets mad and says, "Well I'm sorry I work all the time! I get no appreciation for how much I work and its all for you 2!" Or he asks me to quit nagging. Is it just me, or does this seem like a problem? Am I being too sensitive? What can I do for him to understand before it turns into a fight or before I have to have an emotional breakdown for him to know this is a serious issue for me.. ?
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Replies (21-30):
mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:00 AM
I haven't tried a letter. I wouldn't know a proper time to give it to him :/ but I have tried talking to him using the "I feel" and he still gets defensive because he thinks I'm mad and telling him what he does isn't enough. So I try to keep it short and simple and say I would like some quality family time with you. And although he says ok, it doesn't happen :(


Quoting terpmama:


Maybe try writing a letter.  Use "I feel" a lot and "you" very little. 


Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/





Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.

Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(








Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3










terpmama
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:11 AM


"Quality family time" is too vague.... Try,"you work so hard for us and I miss getting to just relax with you. So  this weekend I'd love to have a family picnic at the park. What works better for you, saturday or Sunday?"

Quoting mkhc-531:

I haven't tried a letter. I wouldn't know a proper time to give it to him :/ but I have tried talking to him using the "I feel" and he still gets defensive because he thinks I'm mad and telling him what he does isn't enough. So I try to keep it short and simple and say I would like some quality family time with you. And although he says ok, it doesn't happen :(


Quoting terpmama:


Maybe try writing a letter.  Use "I feel" a lot and "you" very little. 


Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/





Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.

Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(








Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3












Imjustinsmommy
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:15 AM

i understand he works very hard & needs to relax & play hard too.. BUT i do think it sucks  he couls spend  time of that time with you & not feel he neds to be with his friends  so much over you..

 does he feel resentful?

 do you show him how much you appreciate him? like really  tell him?

 i think he is also young.. my dh works hard too  & goes to bed earlier than me BUT when he gets free time he loves to be with ME, yes he likes to also go alone & do nature walks & stuff but  honetsly the whole going out thing is over lol he isnt into it anymore but my dh is 41.. were older  & had out 1st  when i was 35 he was 36..  at 23 he was out partying too. so maybe its the age?

mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:16 AM
Thank you. :) I'll try it. Hopefully it'll work out!


Quoting terpmama:


"Quality family time" is too vague.... Try,"you work so hard for us and I miss getting to just relax with you. So  this weekend I'd love to have a family picnic at the park. What works better for you, saturday or Sunday?"


Quoting mkhc-531:

I haven't tried a letter. I wouldn't know a proper time to give it to him :/ but I have tried talking to him using the "I feel" and he still gets defensive because he thinks I'm mad and telling him what he does isn't enough. So I try to keep it short and simple and say I would like some quality family time with you. And although he says ok, it doesn't happen :(





Quoting terpmama:


Maybe try writing a letter.  Use "I feel" a lot and "you" very little. 



Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/








Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.


Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(











Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3


















mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:25 AM
*For those who think this post is me nagging over him not making me a sandwich, quit being narrow minded. That was an example. I said I feel like I don't get any help other than financial, and that was an example of something small I ask him to do to help out when I have to bf our baby and it seems to be such an issue. Stop making it seem like, or taking it as, I'm lazy and dont want to do anything for myself.


Quoting mkhc-531:

My boyfriend and I are younger (21& 23) and are both first time parents. We currently live with roommates but the lease is up soon and will be getting our own place. I'm unemployed and he is working 2 jobs (70 hrs a week) to be able to financially support us. While I appreciate this very much, that's the only kind of support he is providing. We obviously don't talk much through the day- he leaves for work at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until a little after 9 pm. As soon as he gets home he wants to go to bed -understandable. But if I'm feeding (bfing) our LO and I ask him to get me a little something to eat he complains and complains about how tired he is -he complains longer than what it would take for him to just get the food. Also, he is so tired that we don't even hardly talk when he gets home. As for the weekend: he hates sitting at home doing nothing so during the weekend he just wants to be out and go to a friend's or have a friend come here or just go do something. And me and baby go with but I feel like he isn't considering how inconvenient it is for me to be in public all weekend when I have to bf the baby. I feel like he doesn't spend any family time with us and it hurts my feelings. But when I try to communicate like a mature adult couple should, and I try to tell him all of this, he gets mad and says, "Well I'm sorry I work all the time! I get no appreciation for how much I work and its all for you 2!" Or he asks me to quit nagging. Is it just me, or does this seem like a problem? Am I being too sensitive? What can I do for him to understand before it turns into a fight or before I have to have an emotional breakdown for him to know this is a serious issue for me.. ?

notjstasocermom
by Samantha on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:29 AM

 


Quoting lalalamama:

He is working awfully hard and many men feel under tremendous pressure to financially provide for their families. You are BOTH tired and doing your best. Be compassionate. Being a sahm with a young child is tough, but it isn't fair to expect him to do more then he already is, really. If you show love and appreciation you might be surprised at how pleasant life can be. He's not having an easier time of it then you are.


 

mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:42 AM
I'm sure it is our age, some. It's not really going to the bar. He doesn't do that too much anymore unless he goes to play pool for an hr or 2. I just hate having to sit at home alone at night since I sit at home alone all day. It's more of him always wanting to hang out at friends houses or just be anywhere but home. Which me and baby can come but its uncomfortable because everyone is smoking pot and/or cigarettes, and some people are just loud and altogether obnoxious. And it's someone else's home, you know. So I can't say, my baby is right here - take it outside. So I choose not to go cuz I don't want my baby to be forced to breathe all of that in. I feel like he doesn't think about those things like I do and it sort of hurts feelings that he is ok with putting our baby in that kind of environment.


Quoting Imjustinsmommy:

i understand he works very hard & needs to relax & play hard too.. BUT i do think it sucks  he couls spend  time of that time with you & not feel he neds to be with his friends  so much over you..

 does he feel resentful?

 do you show him how much you appreciate him? like really  tell him?

 i think he is also young.. my dh works hard too  & goes to bed earlier than me BUT when he gets free time he loves to be with ME, yes he likes to also go alone & do nature walks & stuff but  honetsly the whole going out thing is over lol he isnt into it anymore but my dh is 41.. were older  & had out 1st  when i was 35 he was 36..  at 23 he was out partying too. so maybe its the age?


ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:50 AM
1 mom liked this

 I agree. Is there someone who could watch the baby for a few hours so you two can have some time together

Quoting lalalamama:

He is working awfully hard and many men feel under tremendous pressure to financially provide for their families. You are BOTH tired and doing your best. Be compassionate. Being a sahm with a young child is tough, but it isn't fair to expect him to do more then he already is, really. If you show love and appreciation you might be surprised at how pleasant life can be. He's not having an easier time of it then you are.

 

momto3boys85
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:50 AM

I don't feel anyone was being rude to you on here, you asked for our opinions and advice, we gave it. I never said you were lazy either.

mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:51 AM
But I do feel like I tell him. I tell him pretty often how good he is with our little girl and how proud I am of him and how happy I am for us to be a family and I thank him for working hard for us to be able to get our own place and I even apologize for him having to work so hard and for me not working! But people hold on more to the bad than the good .. so when I ask for help or tell him I just want family time he takes it as me nagging :(


Quoting mkhc-531:

I'm sure it is our age, some. It's not really going to the bar. He doesn't do that too much anymore unless he goes to play pool for an hr or 2. I just hate having to sit at home alone at night since I sit at home alone all day. It's more of him always wanting to hang out at friends houses or just be anywhere but home. Which me and baby can come but its uncomfortable because everyone is smoking pot and/or cigarettes, and some people are just loud and altogether obnoxious. And it's someone else's home, you know. So I can't say, my baby is right here - take it outside. So I choose not to go cuz I don't want my baby to be forced to breathe all of that in. I feel like he doesn't think about those things like I do and it sort of hurts feelings that he is ok with putting our baby in that kind of environment.




Quoting Imjustinsmommy:

i understand he works very hard & needs to relax & play hard too.. BUT i do think it sucks  he couls spend  time of that time with you & not feel he neds to be with his friends  so much over you..

 does he feel resentful?

 do you show him how much you appreciate him? like really  tell him?

 i think he is also young.. my dh works hard too  & goes to bed earlier than me BUT when he gets free time he loves to be with ME, yes he likes to also go alone & do nature walks & stuff but  honetsly the whole going out thing is over lol he isnt into it anymore but my dh is 41.. were older  & had out 1st  when i was 35 he was 36..  at 23 he was out partying too. so maybe its the age?



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