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My boyfriend and I are younger (21& 23) and are both first time parents. We currently live with roommates but the lease is up soon and will be getting our own place. I'm unemployed and he is working 2 jobs (70 hrs a week) to be able to financially support us. While I appreciate this very much, that's the only kind of support he is providing. We obviously don't talk much through the day- he leaves for work at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until a little after 9 pm. As soon as he gets home he wants to go to bed -understandable. But if I'm feeding (bfing) our LO and I ask him to get me a little something to eat he complains and complains about how tired he is -he complains longer than what it would take for him to just get the food. Also, he is so tired that we don't even hardly talk when he gets home. As for the weekend: he hates sitting at home doing nothing so during the weekend he just wants to be out and go to a friend's or have a friend come here or just go do something. And me and baby go with but I feel like he isn't considering how inconvenient it is for me to be in public all weekend when I have to bf the baby. I feel like he doesn't spend any family time with us and it hurts my feelings. But when I try to communicate like a mature adult couple should, and I try to tell him all of this, he gets mad and says, "Well I'm sorry I work all the time! I get no appreciation for how much I work and its all for you 2!" Or he asks me to quit nagging. Is it just me, or does this seem like a problem? Am I being too sensitive? What can I do for him to understand before it turns into a fight or before I have to have an emotional breakdown for him to know this is a serious issue for me.. ?
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Replies (31-40):
mkhc-531
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:13 AM
I didn't say or insinuate in any way that you personally said I'm lazy. However, as stated, the sandwich deal was an example. And I do feel like some people were rude. But I posted as more of a question as to what can I do or am I just being too sensitive... It was a post for help. Not for people to act like I can't walk down the stairs and make myself a sandwich in 30 seconds. I ask him for help with getting my food when our roommate's are home and I'm stuck in the room breastfeeding. Otherwise I do go down and get my own meals. Again - it was an example. You are not the only one who has made that comment so i felt that I needed to clarify that it was an merely an example and people need to not be so narrow minded and take it literal. There was much more to the post than me saying something about him not getting me food. Yet that seems to be the only thing *some people* are getting out of it. *Smh ...


Quoting momto3boys85:

I don't feel anyone was being rude to you on here, you asked for our opinions and advice, we gave it. I never said you were lazy either.


dsmith909
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:47 PM

well, i'm 55 years old and my husband works two jobs, he leaves at 5am and comes between 3 and 5 pm,and i unfortunetly i'm on ssi yes i'm home all day but it's hard doing that too.  In no way am i trying to make you feel wrong because remember i go thru the same no conversation,he eats and goes to bed with three incomes were just tring to get our bills paid i personally don't know anyone at your husbands age working to jobs to support his family and that is for real, your not a bad person for feeling this way but just think how you would feel if he wasn't there? i've been married for 24 years had an 8yr. old and a 5yr. old and all of a sudden my husband decided to leave us for a few years he was 25 at the time and we got back together but for the years he was gone i really realized how wrong i was for not appreciating him and what he did,i guess what i'm trying to say is give it a rest for a while and see what happens. Or you can just tell me to kiss your ass and that i don't know what i'm talking about, just saying

dayna smith

calsmom62
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I ager with this reply. My dh and I married young, he was 19, almost 20, I was 22. We had our first child two yrs later. While we both had some maturing to do, I cut him slack because I could see that he still had a bit farther to go than I did. Of course I will never say that to him even now after some 30 yrs because he thought he carried his responsibility uphill both ways in the snow lol.


Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3


calsmom62
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:58 PM
As far as breastfeeding, I've breastfed my.kids darn near everywhere, up to 3yrs of age and have always done so discreetly, without being immodest. Have you friends or relatives who can help you with being more comfortable breastfeeding in public?


Quoting mkhc-531:

I didn't say or insinuate in any way that you personally said I'm lazy. However, as stated, the sandwich deal was an example. And I do feel like some people were rude. But I posted as more of a question as to what can I do or am I just being too sensitive... It was a post for help. Not for people to act like I can't walk down the stairs and make myself a sandwich in 30 seconds. I ask him for help with getting my food when our roommate's are home and I'm stuck in the room breastfeeding. Otherwise I do go down and get my own meals. Again - it was an example. You are not the only one who has made that comment so i felt that I needed to clarify that it was an merely an example and people need to not be so narrow minded and take it literal. There was much more to the post than me saying something about him not getting me food. Yet that seems to be the only thing *some people* are getting out of it. *Smh ...




Quoting momto3boys85:

I don't feel anyone was being rude to you on here, you asked for our opinions and advice, we gave it. I never said you were lazy either.



calsmom62
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:44 PM
This exactly. Concrete, short and sweet. Young men need a step by step manual. General requests are too vague, and if they aren't sure if what you want or what to do, or if they think they are being or going to be bagged, they escape into TV, gaming, etc.


Quoting terpmama:


"Quality family time" is too vague.... Try,"you work so hard for us and I miss getting to just relax with you. So  this weekend I'd love to have a family picnic at the park. What works better for you, saturday or Sunday?"


Quoting mkhc-531:

I haven't tried a letter. I wouldn't know a proper time to give it to him :/ but I have tried talking to him using the "I feel" and he still gets defensive because he thinks I'm mad and telling him what he does isn't enough. So I try to keep it short and simple and say I would like some quality family time with you. And although he says ok, it doesn't happen :(





Quoting terpmama:


Maybe try writing a letter.  Use "I feel" a lot and "you" very little. 



Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you!!! I just don't know how to properly put my foot down firmly, but gently. When I try he gets into defense mode and gets all mad and that's when he starts in saying he isn't appreciated for what he does and all of that. And then it turns into a fight. I feel like he doesn't take what I say serious until I'm to the point of tears and then I'm super upset because it shouldn't have ever gotten to that point. :( Any tips? :/








Quoting DragonInfinity:

I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.


Quoting mkhc-531:

Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(











Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3


















mkhc-531
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 6:27 AM
Not sure. I think it stems from my preteen yrs and that awkward stage parents dread .. hip huggers were the style and I was growing too fast so my clothes never fit right, so my butt and stomach and cleavage were always hanging out. I got in trouble a lot over it so I've since always tried to cover up and be modest. It's very awkward for me to breastfeed in front of people, even if I'm covered.


Quoting calsmom62:

As far as breastfeeding, I've breastfed my.kids darn near everywhere, up to 3yrs of age and have always done so discreetly, without being immodest. Have you friends or relatives who can help you with being more comfortable breastfeeding in public?




Quoting mkhc-531:

I didn't say or insinuate in any way that you personally said I'm lazy. However, as stated, the sandwich deal was an example. And I do feel like some people were rude. But I posted as more of a question as to what can I do or am I just being too sensitive... It was a post for help. Not for people to act like I can't walk down the stairs and make myself a sandwich in 30 seconds. I ask him for help with getting my food when our roommate's are home and I'm stuck in the room breastfeeding. Otherwise I do go down and get my own meals. Again - it was an example. You are not the only one who has made that comment so i felt that I needed to clarify that it was an merely an example and people need to not be so narrow minded and take it literal. There was much more to the post than me saying something about him not getting me food. Yet that seems to be the only thing *some people* are getting out of it. *Smh ...






Quoting momto3boys85:

I don't feel anyone was being rude to you on here, you asked for our opinions and advice, we gave it. I never said you were lazy either.




mkhc-531
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 6:37 AM
Great perspective! I know it is hard and I know he does work really hard. I really do appreciate him for what he does and how hard he works! I hate that he has to do it all! But I am glad that he is around. Honestly idk too many 21 yr olds either that work 70 hrs a week to support their family. I know more who only have one part time job or no job at all!


Quoting dsmith909:

well, i'm 55 years old and my husband works two jobs, he leaves at 5am and comes between 3 and 5 pm,and i unfortunetly i'm on ssi yes i'm home all day but it's hard doing that too.  In no way am i trying to make you feel wrong because remember i go thru the same no conversation,he eats and goes to bed with three incomes were just tring to get our bills paid i personally don't know anyone at your husbands age working to jobs to support his family and that is for real, your not a bad person for feeling this way but just think how you would feel if he wasn't there? i've been married for 24 years had an 8yr. old and a 5yr. old and all of a sudden my husband decided to leave us for a few years he was 25 at the time and we got back together but for the years he was gone i really realized how wrong i was for not appreciating him and what he did,i guess what i'm trying to say is give it a rest for a while and see what happens. Or you can just tell me to kiss your ass and that i don't know what i'm talking about, just saying


mkhc-531
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 6:47 AM
1 mom liked this
I do try to cut him slack. It has to take awhile for me to say anything to him but I feel like when I say "I want time with you" and he says ok, but 2... 3 weeks later we still haven't had any family time I start getting upset. I know he needs friend time. But I need an outlet too. I'm afraid of getting ppd cuz all I do is sit in the room and breastfeed all day. There isn't even a tv to occupy me. The only working tv in the house is in roommate's bedroom (how convenient).. I guess thats why I lean on him so much... He is my only outlet


Quoting calsmom62:

I ager with this reply. My dh and I married young, he was 19, almost 20, I was 22. We had our first child two yrs later. While we both had some maturing to do, I cut him slack because I could see that he still had a bit farther to go than I did. Of course I will never say that to him even now after some 30 yrs because he thought he carried his responsibility uphill both ways in the snow lol.




Quoting happysnappy:

I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3



calsmom62
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:38 AM
1 mom liked this
WIC can help with breastfeedinf, there is also an organization if moms called La Leche League ( the milk league) which is a breastfeeding support and lobbying group. There are probably other groups too....but they can actually show you how to manage it in public discreetly if you are nervous. You should also look for a mommy play group nearby where you can visit with other moms and network a bit.


Quoting mkhc-531:

Not sure. I think it stems from my preteen yrs and that awkward stage parents dread .. hip huggers were the style and I was growing too fast so my clothes never fit right, so my butt and stomach and cleavage were always hanging out. I got in trouble a lot over it so I've since always tried to cover up and be modest. It's very awkward for me to breastfeed in front of people, even if I'm covered.




Quoting calsmom62:

As far as breastfeeding, I've breastfed my.kids darn near everywhere, up to 3yrs of age and have always done so discreetly, without being immodest. Have you friends or relatives who can help you with being more comfortable breastfeeding in public?






Quoting mkhc-531:

I didn't say or insinuate in any way that you personally said I'm lazy. However, as stated, the sandwich deal was an example. And I do feel like some people were rude. But I posted as more of a question as to what can I do or am I just being too sensitive... It was a post for help. Not for people to act like I can't walk down the stairs and make myself a sandwich in 30 seconds. I ask him for help with getting my food when our roommate's are home and I'm stuck in the room breastfeeding. Otherwise I do go down and get my own meals. Again - it was an example. You are not the only one who has made that comment so i felt that I needed to clarify that it was an merely an example and people need to not be so narrow minded and take it literal. There was much more to the post than me saying something about him not getting me food. Yet that seems to be the only thing *some people* are getting out of it. *Smh ...








Quoting momto3boys85:

I don't feel anyone was being rude to you on here, you asked for our opinions and advice, we gave it. I never said you were lazy either.





la_bella_vita
by Bella on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:58 PM
1 mom liked this

 ((Hugs)) It sounds stressful for you both. You are both growing up at such a young age. I was married at your age but DH did not work that many hours! That's a really long time to work and my heart goes out to him. He is trying to do the right things for you guys. But you need emotional support I get that. I would start by telling him how much you love and apperciate all that he does and explain to him what you expect. See if you can come to a compromise.

If you ever need someone to chat with, you can message me. Good luck <3

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