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My First Post - Mind If I Vent?

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:19 PM
  • 13 Replies

Hey ladies!  I've been on CafeMom for about a week now.  I've commented and tweaked my profile and now I'm needing the clear out my head.  Hope you don't mind!

The back-story here:  I have 16.5 year old daughter.  She's  a great kid.  Her bio dad has never been in the picture, however he and I communicate irregularly regarding things like his child support and his obligation to her with medical insurance, etc.  We haven't been to court in years because our relationship (however dysfunctional it can be at times) works.  I do my best to leave him alone as he is now married with 3 kids and who wants to be "that woman", right?  Honestly, it's not even worth my time or energy to interfere in his life.  Anyway, he and my daughter have corresponded minimally on Facebook over the past few years (minimally on his part, he doesn't know how to have a relationship with her, probably because he's lapsed for 16+ years and is too ashamed of himself to just set it right), and he and I are even friends on FB.  Needless to say, the time has come for my daughter to start driver's ed.  He and I have had discussions MONTHS ago about this coming up and what I need from him financially.  He heartily agreed to work with me at all costs to stay out of court, because in his words, "the court makes you fee like a degenerate".  Hey, if the shoe fits....  About a month ago, I got tired of his side stepping, avoiding my texts/calls and I set down a deadline.  I needed $250 (half of the $500+ for driver's ed) by 6/15 or else I'd just see him in court to hash it out.  He doesn't respond well to threats of court and usually that lights a fire under his behind and he complies.  So, here we are 6/18 and wouldn't you know it, no money has come my way.  Not even an explanation about it, which I would have been OK with.  Hey, I'm not a ball busting witch!  I shot him a text last night asking him to give me 10 minutes at some point this week to discuss things. He decides to call me this afternoon to hash it all and confronts me as if I have an attitude (I did not).  He proceeds to give me a hard time because he doesn't have extra cash laying around, yada yada yada.  I need to mention that as I have seen his Facebook posts over the past year, he has purchased a Jeep Wrangler to tool around in, on top of the vehicles he already has.  He has renovated his kitchen and all of his kids at home have been involved in non stop sports, all while he cries to me that his wife has been out of work for over a year and he can't afford anything.  I called BS on all of it, told him how I knew of his remodeling and his Jeep purchase and he handed me more excuses about how he paid for that with an inheritance.  Is he an complete idiot?  Am I wrong for suggesting that if he got an inheritance, it wasn't too much to toss me $250 for his daughter that I raise and leave him alone in the meantime?  On top of that I reiterated that if he couldn't come up with the lump payment, he could just call me and pay me over time.  I'm just fed up with having to teach a 41 year old "man" how to manage his obligations and communicate! Thankfully, he did calm down and he agreed to send me sporadic payments and communicate (we shall see) and then decided to revisit our dating years (which ended a month before my daughter was born almost 17 years ago because he couldn't get his stuff together).  *GAG*

So, I don't feel like I'm being a jerk and asking for too much but figured the venting would only help me feel better and toss it out there to see what the public has to say!

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam! =)

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:26 PM

I think that would've been the final straw for me taking him to court.  Just my opinion though.  Welcome to CM and hope you can work something out!

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:29 PM
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 Welcome!  What a pain in the a**--I hope he learns to "man up" and meet his obligations...

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Oh, we're about done and court is imenent.  It's like being stuck between a rock and hard place.  Court where I am (CT) requires a $125 filing fee plus whatever our State Marshalls charge to serve (usually $60+) plus two trips to the court which is about an hour away from me (one to file and one for the appearence).  At that point, there aren't even guarantees that I will get anywhere with a modification.  So, for another week I'll sit on it.  Believe me, if I don't see/hear a peep from him, it's on!

Quoting ILoveMyFam:

I think that would've been the final straw for me taking him to court.  Just my opinion though.  Welcome to CM and hope you can work something out!

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:33 AM


How very sad that your daughter had to grow up without a dad but yet now he has time for his other kids. :(

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:53 AM
Well I'm a single mom but I dont have any contact with what I call "the sperm donor" and I dont get any help. I dont want him having any rights. But if I was in your situation I would not have been so easy going about this situation. You told him the 15th he didn't listen... I'd take him to court like you said you were going to. He might start to think your just "talk". Then he might take his sweet time with more stuff that comes up down the road because you said it once ( or maybe more? ) and didn't follow through. Just my opinion.
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:03 AM
Welcome to CM! I am sorry you and your dd have to deal with such a man. I too dealt with a father like that. It's not fair. But kudos to you for doing everything you need to do to raise her right! Keep after him and if you need to take him to court, I advise it. Good luck and again welcome!
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by Kim on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:21 AM
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Do you get child support?  Either way, you really should just go to court and get payments set.  Trust me, it's only going to get more expensive over the next few years.  Senior year is so dang expensive.  Prom, graduation, senior pics, graduation party, senior trip or overnight grad party, etc.  Also, once she gets her license, your car insurance will increase so much you will be stunned.  He should be responsible for half of ALL of it.  Go to court now, so you can get what your DAUGHTER deserves.

by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:39 AM
2 moms liked this

It sounds like you've been walking a tightrope with him over the years.  

Maybe it's time to decide - is he all in (pay court ordered child support) or is he all out - (never ask him for anything again.).   Pick a side and stick with it.

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:53 AM
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I decided long ago with dd's biological father; he is not worth the hassle. It just stresses me out. If you have to spend more on court fees than what his half of the drivers Ed cost and you don't even know if you will win, is it even worth it? I understand the principle of it all, and completely agree he should step up. But... Is it worth the stress to you? Is it worth your time? In the end when dd is raised she will know who is there and who was not. Who helped and who didn't. I read somewhere being a single mom is twice the headaches but also twice the love!
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:18 PM

Thanks for all your input ladies!  I'm at a crossroads with this situation.  On the one hand, going back to court is a now or never deal.  DD will be 18 next summer and then he won't have to do anything if it's not already court ordered.  So, with that said, court is inevitable.  The papers are already filled out and printed, I just have to motivate.  I'm not excited to drive out there and argue with a judge (or bio father in front of the judge). We have been down this road before, it always takes court to make him do anything.  Thankfully his child support comes right out of his check and direct deposited into my account so I don't have to deal with him.  I'm aware of what's coming senior year, which is why I need to get it all set in stone soon. **sigh**

The upside, I have a wonderful husband who is Dad.  She loves him, he loves her and she hasn't lacked in that department.  I am very lucky in that regard.  Otherwise I probably wouldn't be so "nice" to him.  At the end of the day, arguing with him is not worth the elvated BP!

Thanks again for listening!

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