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Birth mom abandoned daughter at 6 months

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:42 PM
  • 7 Replies
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I am so sorry this is so long. I just need to get some stuff off my chest and I have no one to talk to. I need some advice as well. 

My DD Birth Mom left when she was 6 months old. I was already in the picture because they had split up when DD was 3 months old. They fought it out in court over custody. It was approved for joint custody. The woman disappears from the face of earth. She shows up a year later asking to see DD. So my husband said yes because she is the BM. I was upset because i swore she was going to do something stupid. Sure enough she don't bring her back. She was gone 8 months before I came up with the perfect idea to threaten her dad that she was going to go to jail if the baby was not back by the weekend. We did get full custody of the child in this time period because she was in contempt from not following the rules of the joint custody. She finally brings her back and she was almost 3 years old. It was heart breaking for everyone. We had her for a couple of months before the BM even asked to see her again. This time my DH said you have to meat us a a park and we will watch you, you are not taking off with her. She never showed up. We never heard from her for 3 years. Out of the blue she called and asked what size she wore and that she wanted to see her and bring her an outfit. It ended up back in court. The judge has always aloud her to see her no matter the time period she has disappeared. So every-time she asked to see her we aloud her. We actually encouraged her to be in DD life. She would be around for a month and then she would disappear for months like 6-12 months. This last time she was gone for a year and she showed up at our door (never asked). She had a gift for my DD and she was waiting for us to come home so she could catch us before we got in the house. My DD was ecstatic. So anyways we started to talk on FB and she asked to get DD. My husband asked DD if she wanted to go spend the weekend with her (she wont take off with her now because the judge said she will get kidnapping charges on her and be in jail). But she got her for a week. This is mind you after she has not seen her in months. Well she has been home for 3 days now. 

Her BM took her out to dinner, bought her a necklace (that matches a ring she wears), and got her nails done. My DD was so excited to tell me. She comes in and she is so happy to tell me all about her time with her BM. This woman sat down with her and showed her pictures of aborted babies.... why? you might ask. Because my DD was sitting next to her when she was on the computer and asked her what that was (a picture of an aborted baby). She shows her in detail and lets her read an article. DD will be 9 years old. My DD said mom (talkign to me) can you believe that if i get pregnant that a dr can scrape a baby out of my belly? I was disgusted. She also had told her not to tell me she showed her that stuff because i would be mad.... i sent the BM a message and asked her what she was thinking? 

So my daughter came downstairs today and was crying. She said Mom I don't know what to do. i just miss her sooo much. And it breaks my heart that she feels that way, and this woman does not care. She has not called to check on her (she said she don't have a phone but her brother she lives with does) She does not bother to call! And DD said I just don't know why she don't come see me that much, or even call me. 

To be honest it breaks my heart. I try so hard to be a great mother to her and when this woman comes around I am invisible. This woman is gone everyday of the year and then comes for 7 days and it hurts my DD. Like I said this woman has seen her probably a year out of 9 years if you add the days together. 

What should I do to explain to my daughter about this woman? I tell her the truth about everything that has happened to her since she was a baby. I even showed her the video of Caitlin and Tyler on teen mom who gave their baby up for adoption. I showed her that some kids don't even get to go with their birth parents. And that she will always have a mom. But i am so confused with how to deal with her pain. She does not show this pain to the BM only to me. I hate to see her upset and I feel like I am useless I know it has to be hard to feel like you BM does not want you. It would be way easier if she stayed away. But that is not possible she waits for a while then she comes around. 

Thanks for reading this if you did read it..... and any advice would be great. 

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:42 PM
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by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:56 PM
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I would get her in counseling.  My bio father was the similar, he only remembered me when his girlfriend of the moment wanted to play mommy.  It took until I was 15 and there was drama surrounding my grandfather passing and my bio father's step kids for me to realize he was not worth my time.  It then took until I was about 27 to get over the fact that my bio father had no interest in me.  The best you can do for her is get her someone to talk to and be honest but not bashing when it comes to her bm.  Good luck.

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:59 PM

I do not bash her. My husband has before because it hurts him to see her hurting. But he has stopped that for many years now. Because I told him that will probably make her grow a grudge against us for that. And think we are the one's wrong. I am also very truthful with her. 

by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:07 PM
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I know this situation stinks bc I kind of lived it. My father was a pretty absentee dad. We only saw/spoke to him the couple of weeks that we would spend with him in the summer. He would spend money on us, take us places, etc. well the rest of the year he never paid child support or alimony. We barely scraped by.
As a child I thought my dad was great, it wasn't until I was much older that I realized how rotten of a dad he was, and even though he made the time that he spent with us exciting, his lack of support made our lives quite hellish at times. My mom had to make decisions between heat or food, electric or rent.
You are fortunate that BM is not ruining your lives in the way that my dad did ours.
All I can tell you is to continue to be the loving supportive MOM that she needs in her life. I know that your dd hurts when BM leaves again, but try to reassure her that no matter what you will always be there for her and will always love her.
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by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:21 PM

You're Right. I am glad that she has not ruined our life, I am just worried that she is ruining my daughters. I can only imagine the mental issues she is going to have when she grows older, or the feel of not being good enough for her mom. 

My husband works on a fishing boat.... I have practically raised this baby on my own. I have 3 bio children with my DH. I love them all equally and she will always be my daughter. I reasure her of these things. Thanks for the kind words and it helps me see things from someone who has expierenced this situation. I def am glad we do not rely on her for suppor fo the child. However she was ordered to pay child support and she is just now paying that she owes 6k

by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:54 PM

Perhaps have her write her thoughts down, her feelings and questions and then burn them. You can explain that her thoughts and questions are going out into the universe/to god (based on your beliefs) and that hopefully in time she will find the answers she seeks. Sometimes it's helpful to get those feelings and thoughts off you're chest.

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:57 PM
Did she explain why she showed the aborted fetuses... Like " this is what I wish I had done" or " this is an idea for if it happens to you "
Kind of thing?

Children must learn in their own time who will be there constantly for them and who will not.
You cannot bad mouth bio mom. She has to figure it out one day for herself, just like when a father behaves in the same fashion.
I'm so sorry!
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 11:12 AM

I lived a similar situation with my stepson, he is now 20 years old.  I raised him from the age of 5, my husband had joint custody when she left when my SS was 14 months old. 

He used to cry, "I want my Mommy" all the time, and it was heartbreaking to see him go through that.  He just got to the point in his teenage years where he didn't care one way or the other when he Mom would do similar things, like say she would show up & come late or not at all.  Over time, he came to understand that his Mom is the screwed up one.  It's very important to try as hard as you can to say what a horrible witch the BioMom is only with your hubby.  Not to ignore the situation or say bioMom is a good Mom, but my advice would be to let DD come to you or hubby to talk about any negative feelings she has about her mom.  I think your DD will come to appreciate your kindness over time.  You are doing an amazing thing by being someone she can count on, although I know it's hard to do somedays.  It sounds like BM is a real piece of work, pm me if you would like to talk.  Hang in there!  Your DD is so lucky to have you step up and take on the Mom role in her life:)

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