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Seeking advise...Don't know where else to turn...

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:23 PM
  • 22 Replies

I've been married 14yrs, my husband is amazing he's a great father, partner and provider.  He and I have six children together and all in all a happy home.  Well I knew my husband spent time in a juvenile detention canter for three years prior to us even meeting.  For 14yrs I was led to believe it was a statutory rape conviction (consensual sex but she was a few years younger than he) and when his 9mo sentence was up his mother did not want him home so he went to live at a boys home for over two years.  Well his mother the malicious being she is made it known to me recently the real reason for him being locked up.  He had a sexual encounter with his own sister.  She stated he raped her but after speaking with my husband it has come to my attention it was a consensual thing that only happened once, the sister felt guilty and told the mom.  They were 15 & 16 at the time.  I almost feel like I don't know the man I'm married to, thats something that should have been brought to my attention, right? maybe not? idk! My heads a mess I feel so weird knowing this now.  On top of all this he put a gun in his mouth the night I found out for fear of how I would react.  I don't want to lose my husband and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this new info.  He said he couldn't pull the trigger and I have nothing to worry but I feel I do so much to the point I sold his gun today.  Please help, any advise would be greatly appreciated!?!?

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MistralRose
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:30 PM
1 mom liked this

First, let me tell you how sorry I am for what your are going through.  That is a lot to take in.  I can understand you feeling like you do not know him.  A lie is a lie and that was a big one.  On the plus side, he was a child when this happened.  However messed up it was, if he hasn't exhibited any of this behavior since and you truly do not want to lose him, I suggest at the very least getting a dialogue going and maybe even some sort of couples counseling so you have an impartial party to lead you through all the feelings you are no doubt going to be having as this continues to sink in.  Good for you for getting rid of the gun.  Suicide is not the answer to this problem.  If you are prepared to stand by him, start a conversation.  Tell him your thoughts and feelings and your expectations going forward.  Good luck!

TheMeanestMom
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Wow that crazy! My only thought is focus on the last 14 years and your future and not a very stupid mistake he made as a teenager.

I think if you guys could talk to someone professional help in this situation would be a huge benefit to both of you.

DACIA79
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:35 PM
His biological sister or step sister and did you hear this from the sisters mouth.

If it was a step sister its possible it was consented and she just didn't want to get in trouble but without talking directly to the sister you won't know for sure

Once you know the facts only you can decide that even if it is true is he a changed man.

Good luck
aloneygirl
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:35 PM

Thank you so much, I made an appointment for him to speak with someone and I will look into couples.. I think other than this we are good.  I'm just worried the guilt of me knowing is going to take a toll on him :(  Him and his sister have always been super close, however she went down a bad path in life and he did not...and I have never thought anything of  it until now but I guess my mind is working over time now. 

gigis1
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:37 PM
2 moms liked this
If that's in the past, I'd leave it there. Teenagers do crazy, sometimes disgusting things.
He's probably ashamed and didn't want to embarrass himself talking about it again.
Lovemyshadows
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:37 PM
1 mom liked this

It happened, it's over, it was years ago.  Discuss it and put it away. He's no different than he was yesterday.

aloneygirl
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:37 PM

His biological sister.. GIven the hell these children grew up in I'm suprised they arent all messed up.  They had a horrible childhood, but that is no excuse.  It was consensual that I know but even knowing that it's absolutely weird to me, this is something I wish I could just unknow

gigis1
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:41 PM
1 mom liked this
There's things I'd like to unknow about my partner as well. I'm sure there is more that idk of. He grew up in not so great conditions.
All I want now is for him to grow from it, get past it and be happy with me and the kids now and NEVER repeat horrible mistakes again. Which I'm sure he won't :)


Quoting aloneygirl:

His biological sister.. GIven the hell these children grew up in I'm suprised they arent all messed up.  They had a horrible childhood, but that is no excuse.  It was consensual that I know but even knowing that it's absolutely weird to me, this is something I wish I could just unknow

aloneygirl
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:41 PM

I told him hes still the same man I married, I love him absolutely unconditionally and I don't want to lose him over this! I just worry the shame of me knowing now will get the best of him :( I'm confused, I just with he would tell me what he needs from me.  Thank all you ladies!

gigis1
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:44 PM
I really hope it works out and youove past it. He sounds like a great mam.

Good luck with everything


Quoting aloneygirl:

I told him hes still the same man I married, I love him absolutely unconditionally and I don't want to lose him over this! I just worry the shame of me knowing now will get the best of him :( I'm confused, I just with he would tell me what he needs from me.  Thank all you ladies!

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