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Long Sad Story About Friends But I Need Some MAJOR Advice *Update*

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 2:32 PM
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Happy Saturday everyone! Hope yours is a lot better than mine. Mine has been horrible.

Around midnight last night our 4 year old wakes my husband and I up because he sees the fire trucks, ambulences, and police cars outside our house. My husband gets up to see what happened and it looked like a really bad car accident involving 3 cars and a truck. Our street is a narrow one-way no trucks allowed so I still can't figure out how the truck got in our street. We lost power too as a result of the accident and saw many ambulances come and load people in. So after we go back to sleep my husband gets a call on his cell from our neighbors ex husband around 4am. I kinda doze off and end up going back to sleep and it's not until the morning that my husband tells me what happened.

Our neighbor, a good friend of ours, has 2 kids, Ryan is 6 and Nickolas just turned 3 last week. Our neighbor and Ryan were actually killed in that car accident last night. We still don't have a ton of details but apparently she left Nickolas home alone. I don't know where she was going at midnight with a 6 year old and a 3 year old home alone sleeping. I've been trying to think of what to tell my sons. My 5 and 4 year old were very close to Ryan and my 3 year old is very close to Nickolas.

Another thing that I have no idea what to do about is that our neighbor's ex husband wants us to adopt Nickolas. He left our neighbor and both boys when Nickolas was probably just a baby. He didn't want to be part of his own sons' lives back then and doesn't wanna be in Nickolas's life now either. He doesn't have any grandparents or aunts or uncles. My husband wants to go and adopt Nickolas and show him that he has someone else besides his mother cares for him. I certainly don't disagree with my him that the poor boy has no loving family that will accept him but I feel like we have our own family issues at the moment. We are expecting a baby in January/February, and my own 3 kids have been out of control since summer began and I just have a feeling adding a 4th boy under 6 would just make things more out of hand. We were also thinking about moving out of our current state to be closer to the family and I'm not sure how that would affect Nickolas if we do apoted him. He's lived here his whole life. My husband also said that since Nickolas has been over our house many times for play dates he would feel comfortable in our house. He's always well-behaved and polite. I really feel bad for this poor little boy but I just don't know what to do!

Also, thank you to all of you who have read this entire post. I just had to get all this info out of my system. I really am clueless what to tell my kids about Ryan's death.

*Update 6/30*

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who posted! I really appreciate it and I will say many of the posts changed my opinion on if we adopt Nickolas or not. We are going to wait a few days before we make any final decisions but we are leaning towards adopting him. Nickolas is staying with us for the next few days. We told our kids about Ryan separately yesterday afternoon. Their were tears as expected. We did ask them all if they would be ok with Nickolas living with us and they all were. Also, I walked in on my husband talking to Nickolas last night and I heard my husband saying that he understands why he would be sad and that if he needs to talk to some one or needs anything in general he will gladly help him. It really touched me that Nickolas left our bedroom after the talk with a smile. So after giving my self a little over 24 hours to rethink everything, i'm now 95% positive that we will adopt Nickolas. I'll update you ladies if anything else happens. Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate it!
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 2:32 PM
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by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 2:52 PM
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Tell your children the truth. Tell them the bad accident killed Ryan and his mom. If you believe in God tell them they are with God up in heaven.

I would really think hard and talk about everything you can think of with your dh before deciding to adopt the other child.

I am sorry for the loss of your friends prayers.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 2:54 PM
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That is so sad.. my condolences to your family and the little boy. I would speak to someone about the adoption and see if that is even an option and search your own heart for the answer. Only you know if you can handle it or not.

I am sure it will be the hardest decision of your life. Good luck.
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by Gold Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 3:01 PM
At least for the short term, nikolaus wouldprobably be be secure with you, has the dad contacted their healthcare provider for some assistance with helping himself and Nikolaus through this event? everybody knows their own family situation best , but you should seek a family .law specialist's advice before you make any might be able to make a more full consideration after a consultation. poor family.
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 3:07 PM
If he had no family other than the father he is going to end up in foster care. If you adopt him he is yours. You can move With him once the adoption is complete.

I know it's a hard decision..., but I would take him. You're all he knows now.

As far as telling your sons... I have no idea. I cannot imagine. I guess tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 4:37 PM

You have to do what is in your heart.  Talk to DH tell him it will require a lot more help at home from him.  Nickolas will probably need some counseling, perhaps working with you as well.  Best of luck and prayers for you.  Let us know what you decide to do.

by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 4:40 PM
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The first answer that comes to our minds Is adopt the little boy, but having 3 kids and expecting another one plus the family issues that you are having doesn't help the situation at all, and in a way its like you are being pressured to take the little one under your wing, but you have to ask yourself will these changes affect your family, the adoption, the trauma of Nickolas losing his mom and brother there are a lot of things you have to reconsider and the main one is your family first then the little boy, it's ok for you to doubt if you don't want to adopt him like I said your own family comes first, but if tgere is a way for you to work things out and help Nickolas then you know your choice it's like this Mexican saying "donde come uno comen dos" meaning where if there's food for one two can eat...hopefulky you understand what I'm trying tosay with this saying, pray to God and he will be there to guide you through anything.
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 4:43 PM
I wouldn't do it. I would help the father during a transition time.
by Bronze Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:42 PM
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If it were me, I would do it.  Life will always have its ups and downs, but right now this little boy has no one to love him.  He needs someone and that seems to be maybe you?  It will take some time and transitioning, but in the end you will feel so good for what you did for him.  

by Gold Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:53 PM

i am sorry to hear about you friend and her oldest son. but on the adoption on the youngest if it was me i would do it. it will be hard at first but i think it is the right thing to do.  you said he is close with one of your own children and it will be good for him to be around people he knows well at this time. i hope thing work out.

Sarah      10-16-06                                     Luciano 11-27-08

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by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:56 PM
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There is still some chance that relatives exist on the mother's side.  Perhaps as funeral plans occur and more people learn of the deaths, someone will step forward who knows and loves Nickolas.  The father sounds deficient, but do you know if he paid proper child support all these years?  Even if you offer to let Nickolas stay a few days with you (as friends and good neighbors), I would get some support and advice from clergy, friends and even Child and Family Services.  It is too early for you to talk adoption, as that step would be HUGE. You need to know much more than you know today about this entire situation.  Don't just take the father's word on least give things time to settle and know the legal ramifications and all sides of the question.   This is all a tragedy beyond belief, but take your time. Prayers for all.  I tend to believe your little boys will follow your lead in coping with the death of their friend.  I also believe there are  many couples who cannot have children who would love and cherish a 3-year old.  Someone can find out for you.  

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