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Feeling terrible/failed match adoption

Posted by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:29 PM
  • 48 Replies

I choose adoption because me and my ex do NOT get along I wanted better for my baby.. when I picked adoption I got matched right away based on the fact that the baby is biracial (black/Irish)..

I like the family a lot they are very nice but way to umm "fast" I guess contacting me daily and getting nervous when I do not reply when they want me to, constantly asking me questions because they are insecure, as if they think I have ran off with their baby.

They also call my son their baby and it just is and was alittle too much too soon I feel terrible because I know they really want this baby and I wish them the best.. there is not that many mixed race AP's ( adoptive parents) with my agency and not that many biracial babies with the agency ..they have let me know this time and time again -_-

My AP's have emailed 3 times since I told the agency I was backing out I am very uncomfortable and if im going to give my baby up I need to be 100% sure on the parents ..these two just scared me off alittle they also had demands =/

They are mad with me which is heartbreaking since they were nice to me,good people but to blame me and try and make me feel bad when to be honest the failed match is their fault just feel terrible and wish I had people to talk that have gone through this :(

 

 

by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:35 PM

They were most likely excited to have a child coming into your life.   I agree though it is your decision until the end.  Were they an interracial couple?  Do you have any other children?   I wish you the best of lluck becoming comfortable with any prospective parents.

JanandJar
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:40 PM

 


Quoting frndlyfn:

They were most likely excited to have a child coming into your life.   I agree though it is your decision until the end.  Were they an interracial couple?  Do you have any other children?   I wish you the best of lluck becoming comfortable with any prospective parents.


 Yes they were excited which is great, but you can not scare off or put too much pressure on a woman who already has the world on her shoulders at the moment...they were mixed race black and white aswell they were perfect in some ways but in others just not the ones did not think they were ready.

Thanks for your well wishes

MrsKaufold1990
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:40 PM

Honestly, I would be a little bit upset with you as well. 

DO you think they would be happy about this decision?

And this happens a lot, adoptive parents will start calling the baby theirs. 

What kind of demands were they wanting? 

And if you and the father don't get along, why did you sleep with him without protection

JanandJar
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 7:46 PM
1 mom liked this

 


Quoting MrsKaufold1990:

Honestly, I would be a little bit upset with you as well. 

DO you think they would be happy about this decision?

And this happens a lot, adoptive parents will start calling the baby theirs. 

What kind of demands were they wanting? 

And if you and the father don't get along, why did you sleep with him without protection

You are making assumptions, and you could be upset all you want but the AP's have to take responsibility in this situation AP's are told how to act/behave with birthmothes by the agency and some things are just common sense, lastly yes it does happen alot but it was an early match so for them to come on that strong is scary my baby is not theirs .. they are told this by the agency

Oh and my ex fiance of 3 yrs and I did not have unprotected sex ...this was our first pregnancy and we were and always have used protection

 

princessputter
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:16 PM
2 moms liked this

As an adoptive mommy.. I know how hard or bad it is when theres a failed match... but maybe you were going with a gut feeling... you`re right.. you need to be 100 % sure.. if you not sure about the AP`s now... imagine how worse you would feel after hes born... I hope you find the strength you need  to get you through this.. weather you place or not...:)

GirlieGal76
by Bronze Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:20 PM

I'm sorry for what you're going through but at the same time, I would be upset and hurt by you as well. I think of it as waiting years to build your dream home and then in the middle of building it the contractor stops and tears it down and tells you that he doesn't think you would be able to keep it clean enough. Those people have presumably been waiting a while to be blessed with a baby and after feeling like their prayers were answered, then it was just taken from them. I'm not saying it's all your fault, I'm just saying that they have every right to be hurting.

Would you have had more confidence in them if they didn't email you or contact you so much? I have a feeling you would have felt like maybe they didn't care enough about this baby if they were more lax on their emails/calls.

I have absolutely no experience with the adoption process but I can imagine that you, as the birth mother, will probably come up with a million reasons why each family isn't right. I think you need to relax a little and just trust that there are screenings done to help ensure that every single couple you come in contact with is fully capable of raising the baby that you're giving birth to. You will probably drive yourself crazy trying to pick apart every single couple. I'm not saying you will but I'm just saying that I can see how that could easily happen with anyone in your situation.

I hope you end up feeling comfortable with a wonderful family, or reflect back and realize that this family was the one for your little one.

onethentwins
by Silver Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:23 PM
3 moms liked this

Don't feel bad at all. What they were doing is considered coercive, being mad at you is just plain wrong. I'm glad you were strong enough to stand up to them, some would have been intimidated into letting them raise their baby even though they were uncomfortable about it.

mcginnisc
by Gold Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:33 PM
8 moms liked this

Here's the thing: This is YOUR child. Period. They have NO right to make claims on this child until TPR is signed and the adoption is finalized. Therefore, you can make this decision to parent or choose different parents for your child up until TPR is signed. It is not your job to make them happy. You have to do what is right for you and your child and if choosing not to place with them is that decision, then I applaud you. 

As an adoptive mother, I do not agree with pre-birth matching due to the fact that these issues can arise. 

Claire


" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 

JanandJar
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 10:00 PM
1 mom liked this

 


Quoting GirlieGal76:

I'm sorry for what you're going through but at the same time, I would be upset and hurt by you as well. I think of it as waiting years to build your dream home and then in the middle of building it the contractor stops and tears it down and tells you that he doesn't think you would be able to keep it clean enough. Those people have presumably been waiting a while to be blessed with a baby and after feeling like their prayers were answered, then it was just taken from them. I'm not saying it's all your fault, I'm just saying that they have every right to be hurting.

Would you have had more confidence in them if they didn't email you or contact you so much? I have a feeling you would have felt like maybe they didn't care enough about this baby if they were more lax on their emails/calls.

I have absolutely no experience with the adoption process but I can imagine that you, as the birth mother, will probably come up with a million reasons why each family isn't right. I think you need to relax a little and just trust that there are screenings done to help ensure that every single couple you come in contact with is fully capable of raising the baby that you're giving birth to. You will probably drive yourself crazy trying to pick apart every single couple. I'm not saying you will but I'm just saying that I can see how that could easily happen with anyone in your situation.

I hope you end up feeling comfortable with a wonderful family, or reflect back and realize that this family was the one for your little one.

umm you have to pick things apart sometimes you do not know anything about adoption it has to feel right and no I would not have an issue with every family because I overlooked a lot of things

lastly again, they are told how to act and behave I love that they were excited they were just not the right family bottom line I know they are upset but I can not help that have to pick who I feel comfortable with for my child or I will not be placing my baby at all


 

 

JanandJar
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 10:03 PM

thanks ladies and yes I know some people do not agree with pre birth matching but will not put my baby up unless adoption is open and I know the AP's a little and feel secure with them..

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