Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Should I let her call/e-mail him? *Divorce* *Opinions/ideas needed*

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:14 PM
  • 15 Replies

I am a divorced mum of two beautiful children, 4 and 6. Their father and I have been divorced for going on 4 years now. We share legal custody but he rarely visits the children and we haven't seen or heard from him in 3 months now. His visits are pretty much at whim. He has only called the children 4 times in 4 years. He has stopped paying CS all together.

Like many children of divorce, my kids struggle with it. There are times when they seem to forget that he ever existed- they go along perfectly happy and don't ask about him at all. 

There are other times, like the last few weeks, when my daughter (6) cries about it every single day. She asks me to call him, text him, ask him to come pick her up. My heart really started breaking when she started writing him letters and asking me to mail them. I don't have his address and he won't give it to me. I tried bringing it to the post office to see if they would just mail it anyway like they do letters to Santa but the guy was super rude to me so I gave up on that idea.

Now, their father does not answer the phone when I call, nor does he return phone calls. He also works wacky hours so I'm never sure when he's available. We also have a very volatile past so all communication and contact is being kept at a bare minimum.

I have always taken the approach that in time, my kids will realize that dad just doesn't care that much...and as heart breaking as it is, that's just a hard lesson that people have to learn in life. I don't feel like I can really protect them from learning that, nor would it be beneficial for them for me to shelter them from that.

At the same time, I don't want to pour salt on any wounds. Should I just start letting her call him from my phone? If he answers, he answers. If he doesn't...maybe she'll learn eventually?

I also had the idea that I could set her up an email account so she can write him any time she wants to and he can write her also. The only problem with this idea is that I would have to help her write the emails because I don't allow her to use the computer unsupervised and she isn't that technologically advanced yet.

Or do I just keep hugging her and reassuring her that she has lots of people who love her and hope that this will pass?

Hope someone can help.....desperate to help my kids. Thanks.


by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:14 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:19 PM

I would talk with a child  counselor to help you cope with her sadness and hurt while making sure she understands it is not her fault that this is happening.  I am a divorced child but I never went through this.  Dad was / is still a big part of our lives.   If there is a child support enforcement agency, they may be able to give you his address so that they can send the mail.  What you can also do is hold on to those letters for the future in case he does happen to stop by or she wants them back.  Let her know you are doing this since you do not have his address to mail them.

terpmama
by Gold Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:19 PM

I suggesting hugging and reassuring and the email isn't a bad idea... Especially if you read the replies first to make sure he's being appropriate... At least then she knows you did everything you could when she realizes he's an ass.

NDADanceMom
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:21 PM
1 mom liked this
Does he have family? Maybe a grandma or uncle could be a support person.
sweetsmum
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:24 PM



Quoting NDADanceMom:

Does he have family? Maybe a grandma or uncle could be a support person.


Thank you, ladies.

Yes, he does have family. His mom is a nice lady and was always decent to me, she just doesn't seem very invested. As she said to me, "I have 16 grandchildren. I'm done."

But I'm certain that if my daughter sent her an email or text, she would always reply.

frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:27 PM


Quoting sweetsmum:



Quoting NDADanceMom:

Does he have family? Maybe a grandma or uncle could be a support person.


Thank you, ladies.

Yes, he does have family. His mom is a nice lady and was always decent to me, she just doesn't seem very invested. As she said to me, "I have 16 grandchildren. I'm done."

But I'm certain that if my daughter sent her an email or text, she would always reply.

I would reach out to her then.  That may help your girl feel better.  Are the grandchildren constantly over at her house or something that she does not want to invest anymore?

tgeary
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:27 PM

I would let her call him herself so she can see that he doesnt answer. Sometimes you just have to let them find out on their own when it comes to things like this. Continue to let her know even though daddy isnt there for her that she still has you and whoever else she has in her life and that yall will always be there for her no matter what. I am sure it will pass as she gets older, she will realize that daddy hasnt been there and doesnt want to be there. I know its heart breaking for you to see her go through this but all you can do is be there for her. Yes you want to protect her from being hurt but you dont want her growing up thinking you kept her from him even though you arent. I wish yall the best.  :)

sweetsmum
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:32 PM



Quoting frndlyfn:


Quoting sweetsmum:



Quoting NDADanceMom:

Does he have family? Maybe a grandma or uncle could be a support person.


Thank you, ladies.

Yes, he does have family. His mom is a nice lady and was always decent to me, she just doesn't seem very invested. As she said to me, "I have 16 grandchildren. I'm done."

But I'm certain that if my daughter sent her an email or text, she would always reply.

I would reach out to her then.  That may help your girl feel better.  Are the grandchildren constantly over at her house or something that she does not want to invest anymore?

Okay, I'll try that.


I know that before I ever came into their life, she raised her eldest son's kids but they were all out of the house by the time my two were born.

She has had many bouts with cancer, though. I'm honestly not even sure how she has made it this far. She's a strong woman but I bet she's tired.

sweetsmum
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:34 PM



Quoting tgeary:

I would let her call him herself so she can see that he doesnt answer. Sometimes you just have to let them find out on their own when it comes to things like this. Continue to let her know even though daddy isnt there for her that she still has you and whoever else she has in her life and that yall will always be there for her no matter what. I am sure it will pass as she gets older, she will realize that daddy hasnt been there and doesnt want to be there. I know its heart breaking for you to see her go through this but all you can do is be there for her. Yes you want to protect her from being hurt but you dont want her growing up thinking you kept her from him even though you arent. I wish yall the best.  :)

That has kind of how I've always felt about it. I guess the intensity of her emotions lately has really thrown me off guard. It's like 6 going on 16.

Thank you so much, btw.


tgeary
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:37 PM

You are welcome. :)

sweetsmum
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:39 PM

I forgot to mention- are there any other divorced moms reading this? Or maybe you have nieces/nephews who have been through this?

I feel weird calling it a "phase" but I was wondering if anyone else has seen their children or loved ones go through "phases" like this where they're fine with it sometimes....and then talk about it constantly other times?

Is this something that might happen every few months/years?



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)