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Stepmom to adult children?? Anyone

Posted by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:18 PM
  • 20 Replies

My name is Dee and I am the stepmom to 2 adult children..a girl 25 and boy 24 plus my own 26 year old.  We all have gotten along well for the past 4 years and that is probably because I say nothing and zip up my mouth and just complain to my husband in the hopes that he will deal with his own children and I deal with mine.  These kids leave everything for me..cooking /cleaning/shopping ..I cook everynight ..entertain boyfriends and friend regularly...my step daughter  is a teachers and  home all summer and just goes to the beach or sunbathes in the yard..all day...will never ofer to help cook,or shop ..once in a blue moos she will help her dad do the dishes but that all depends on her mood.  My step son graduated from college 2 years ago and works odd jobs here and there but is usually golfing or laying on the couch..he also does nothing to help with the daily chores..my son is working full time in construction and is no help either.  I lost my cool last week and told them all that I was not the hired help and that they all need to pick up and clean up after themselves..dirty frying pan left for me when I come home from a full time job is not acceptable and a sink full of dishes and a full dish washer is not gonna work anymore.  My step kids are mad now and told there dad they are going to move out and all of a sudden are not happy at home.  I told him to let them go and see what it is like to pay your own way..my husband still pays for cell phones/car insurance and repairs..they contribute nothing to the house and I would love to see how long it would take them to realize how awesome living home was if they were on there own.  I love them but I feel that all there life they lived without and chores or responsibilities to anyone but there own social life...now my son who use to be an amazing help has the attitude ..well if they do nothing why should I.  I cant deal with it anymore..and I am the bad guy...really...my husband is so upset that they want to leave but this is allot of his fault also..he never said a word to them..since there mom died 10 years ago he has only played friend and bank teller but I also feel that they are old enough to know better without any guidance.  My son and I had a talk and Itold him the easy ride is over...He apologized and has been better.  I dnt want them to hate me but I am not backing down andmy rules have to be followed or they can leave.  I am mentally and physically exhausted...any advise..Thanks

by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:05 PM

They all should have had their own homes to start with .  At this late age unless there is a medical condition, they should be independently living on their own.  I have 4 step children.  Only 2 live with their mothers still and that is due to medical issues.  One is currently trying to get more help so he can be more independant and get out of his moms home,  the other will be living with her mom for rest of mom's life due to severity of the medical stuff.  They are all in their 20s from 20 up to 29.

LuLuRex
by Silver Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:59 PM

Yeah that's crazy that they don't help or pay for their own things. I wouldn't back down either.

mrs.Emm1
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 5:05 PM

I doubt your stepchildren will move out, they have it too good at home. You can't control what other people do but you can change your own behavior. I would put everyone on notice that I'm no longer being a maid service, do whatever you feel are your responsiblilites in the house & that's it. You'll be alittle happier & your husband will see up close how lazy they are. Good luck.

NDADanceMom
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Did they go to college? Is there a plan? My oldest turns 18 tomorrow and the adult rules come into play. She has been told these rules since she was young. School full time or rent will be charged. $400 a month includes room, board and Internet. After graduation it goes up to $700 a month. No overnight guests, curfew, no being drunk at home.
I no longer pay for clothes or social events. I do pay for school and books, medical expenses and transportation costs. Once she graduates even that is cut off.
waytomanykids9
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 7:18 PM

wow, they should all be in their own homes. I have 2 adult step children. The oldest is a boy, he is married and they are expecting their first in August. He has his own place. My other one is girl, 24. She lives on campus during the school year but during the summer she is home with us. I have no complaints with her. She helps around the  house, watches the younger siblings, and has a full time job. We rarely see her but when we do, she is awesome.

ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jul. 27, 2013 at 5:21 PM

Well said.  I would even start by separating the laundry and washing your clothes and your husband's clothes.  I would be livid for the way they are treating you.  I understand their mom passed away, but that is not an excuse.  I lost my mom too, a lot of people have, and it sucks, but that is when it is even more important to help and make her proud.  

Quoting mrs.Emm1:

I doubt your stepchildren will move out, they have it too good at home. You can't control what other people do but you can change your own behavior. I would put everyone on notice that I'm no longer being a maid service, do whatever you feel are your responsiblilites in the house & that's it. You'll be alittle happier & your husband will see up close how lazy they are. Good luck.


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abecee
by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 7:55 PM

You are being used.  Make a list of equally divided household chores and tell them they either do them or move out.  They also need to PAY

Lovemyshadows
by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 8:49 PM

Go on strike.  Only do what you need for you and DS. I would let them wash a dish when thay need a clean one.  Stop cooking for the family and cook only for your self and ds. Let DH take care of himself and his kids

texassahm
by Gold Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:38 PM

Come talk to other moms with step kids in the Cafe Mom group called Stepmom Support Club

http://www.cafemom.com/group/92504

You might find this post helpful:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/92504/forums/read/10575948/Stepmom_Bill_Of_Rights


STEPMOM BILL OF RIGHTS (author unknown)

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times. 

2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent. 

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits. 

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay. 

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly. 

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters. 

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission. 

8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home. 

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect. 

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

*****Stepmom Support Club*****
For women with men who have children from a previous relationship(s).
http://www.cafemom.com/group/stepmomsupport

waytomanykids9
by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:39 PM

 DO just for her and her DS? ummm sorry but he is 26 years old, he should be doing for himself. She isn't his maid either.


Quoting Lovemyshadows:

Go on strike.  Only do what you need for you and DS. I would let them wash a dish when thay need a clean one.  Stop cooking for the family and cook only for your self and ds. Let DH take care of himself and his kids


 

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