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Dilemna with telling my daughter she has a half-sister

Posted by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:18 PM
  • 27 Replies

So here is the long story short. My daughter is six. Her father lived with us until she was the age of four. He left for many reasons and to work on his own battles. He is in the picture and sees her once a month typically and does make efforts. I don't want to bash him here. We all have issues. I had my suspicions when I was pregnant with my daughter he was carrying on another relationship. I had a gut feeling after I had confirmed that relationship was occuring and it ended and I took him back in that something was left unsaid. Bottom line, I found out that woman had a child within nine months of my daughter being born. I made him aware of this and early this year he had it confirmed this other woman indeed bore his daughter. My dilemna is this - this little girl is my daughter's half-sister of course. They are nine months apart exactly and the other woman gave her the same FIRST name as my daughter (yes, she actually did however I can't change this fact). Given he is in the other little girls life and sees her every two weeks like clock work and is rather sporadic with my daughter, I still have reservations. He has admitted to me he is consistent with this other child given he was out of the picture for so long however inconsistent with my child. He has expressed the fact to me and to his sister that he wants the two girls to meet. I feel it's too early and they are both too young. While I am grateful she has a sister I worry about how this will affect her TODAY. I don't want when she is 20 to find out and be angry having lost that time with her sibling however she is very sensitive and already is feeling insecure in him having been here (fact - he was here but not here if you get my picture) and now is out of the house. I want to be honest with her however I just feel she is too young at six to share this. I honestly feel she will feel betrayed. Eventually I'm excited she and her half-sister can have a relationship. I'm worried as well because he has expressed it's really his say and not mine at all and his sister has told him it's truly my say as Mom. Mind you I am the primary care-giver, only means of financial support, etc. What do I do? This isn't about me. I'm not jealous at all and am no longer hurt by this. I'm just hurting for my daughter.

by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Aslen
by Platinum Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I think you let them meet. It would be MUCH worse if you kept it from her, for e veryone involved but.most especially for the two people who are totally innocent in this whole mess!
mathelia
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:31 PM

Thank you for the response and I agree but given her age and knowing my daughter like the back of my hand of course I struggle with her reaction TODAY. I want to tell her however when she's a few years older so it's easier to grasp. I do not want to keep them from each other. I also worry about her sister and how it may affect her. She didn't have a father in the picture until this year. I worry she may feel slighted as well. I honestly feel my daughter initially at least will feel very insecure about this coupled with the fact they have the same first name. How awkward is that? To tell her here is your sister and by the way, you have the same name. I know I can't control that fact nor can the two girls. I'm just so torn about this and her father tends to do things behind my back, obviously and will go about this meeting unbeknownst to me.

angelmommy2
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:38 PM
I have three siblings two I havent met. One refuses to meet and the other one I cant find. The third one I met when I was 20 and both pregnant with our sons. Her and I both talked and hated that our parents didnt let us meet. Her and I are also nine months apart. Its been a hard 9 years but im happy that she is my sister and in my life. You do whats right for your daughter.
andersongirl562
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:41 PM

 I think that you are over thinking this they are six...while at first she may be confused, hurt and jealous she will eventually accept it as a matter of fact...just like with any other sibling.

terpmama
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Which would effect her more

- daddy has another daughter which means she's your sister (kids won't necessarily grasp the timing of it all)

Or

- her finding out that she has a sister from someone other than you (the person she trusts most of all in her life)
mathelia
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:43 PM

Thank you for being honest. And I don't want her to feel how you are feeling or felt, trust me. I just struggle with do I tell her know or wait a few years when she's a bit more confident and can deal with it? The whole same name thing is hard too. At the age of six, kids struggle with blaming such things on themselves. Heck, I guess at any age we do.

sahmw2010
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:43 PM
1 mom liked this
U swollow ur pride, get to know the other woman and ur kids get together. I had to do that. And one of the other women is now a good friend of mine. We swollowed our pride and decided that our daughters shouldnt have to suffer for his choices
MichelleJ1000
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:45 PM
1 mom liked this
I would suggest seeking advice from a therapist on how to tell your daughter. Kids are more likely to accept things easier than adults. What ever you decide I hope things go well.
mathelia
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:46 PM

I am overthinking but as you said, she will be hurt and confused and as a Mom I'm sure like me you would do anything to keep them from hurting. That's my struggle. Even if just initially she hurts because of this.

sahmw2010
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this
Give ur daughter a little more faith. My daughter was 4 when she found out daddy had another kid. And she loves her little sister. Misses her too.

Quoting mathelia:

Thank you for the response and I agree but given her age and knowing my daughter like the back of my hand of course I struggle with her reaction TODAY. I want to tell her however when she's a few years older so it's easier to grasp. I do not want to keep them from each other. I also worry about her sister and how it may affect her. She didn't have a father in the picture until this year. I worry she may feel slighted as well. I honestly feel my daughter initially at least will feel very insecure about this coupled with the fact they have the same first name. How awkward is that? To tell her here is your sister and by the way, you have the same name. I know I can't control that fact nor can the two girls. I'm just so torn about this and her father tends to do things behind my back, obviously and will go about this meeting unbeknownst to me.

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