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Blended family........HELP!!!!!

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:48 PM
  • 39 Replies
My bf has 2 children and I have one son. His ex wife hates my guts and I know she says negative things abt me to the kids. I feel like every time we see the kids I'm starting over. The daughter takes a while to warm up to me, but eventually she comes around. The son just pretty much acts like I don't exist. He's Autistic so maybe that's part of it too. The ex lives to make our lives miserable. She's the reason they're no longer together, yet she keeps playing the victim. I have tried to be nice and she confronted me. I have told her to back off, but she won't. She threatens to move the children away or not let him c them as much. (He has visitation, but we c them more than every other weekend). I feel like I'm caught in the middle. I feel like I have to be nice for the sake of him and the kids, but shouldn't I be able to stand up for myself????
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
NDADanceMom
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:53 PM
As the adult you should be kind and pretend you don't notice the slight rudeness. Over the top rude should be handled by dad.
I had a friend that was mean to a step mom for years. As an adult she looks back and realizes she was rude for no reason but her step mom was always kind. I'm sure it was terrible for the step mom but she is rewarded with a good relationship now.
txmom8403
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:56 PM
Quoting NDADanceMom:

As the adult you should be kind and pretend you don't notice the slight rudeness. Over the top rude should be handled by dad.
I had a friend that was mean to a step mom for years. As an adult she looks back and realizes she was rude for no reason but her step mom was always kind. I'm sure it was terrible for the step mom but she is rewarded with a good relationship now.




The children r not the problem. They're great kids. My problem is with their mother.
1lv2stks3nlz4ev
by New Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:05 PM

 You have to ignore her. Trust me I understand but reacting to her baiting you will only confirm to the kids what she is saying behind your back. Be sweet with the kids and when she acts that way tell her that you aren't going to engage in negitivity with her for the sake of the kids, and walk away.

starz1632002
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:05 PM

You are in the same situation as my sister. Her BF has 4 kids with his ex wife, who cheated on him causing the reason for the separation. his ex is bitter because he has moved on. She uses the children as bait to get what she wants. What i have told my sister is even though you want to stand up for yourself, you have to realize that some people just cant move on and feel like when someone new steps in that they are trying to replace them. Just know that you are the bigger person for acting like an adult and as the children grow older they will respect you more for that rather than stooping to the level of their mother. Don't let her get under your skin because when you let her see that it makes her feel like she won. Good luck and keep your head up! :)

Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:18 PM
Blow her off and let your bf handle it. If you don't you will most certainly turn the kids against you. Best part of blending like that is learning to grit your teeth and smile even when she is being absolutely awful to you for whatever reason. I have exploded on ss' s mother one time in all the years we've been in each others lives. She refused to parent her daughter and let her run wild and condoned her bullying my 3 year old son. Aside from that moment I focus on how much ss loves her and how rare it is for a child to have a broken family where one of the parents doesn't blow off being a mom or a dad. He is very lucky to have both parents around and active. Me and my bio mom don't have crud for a relationship. I want better for him because he deserves it. Try that and it might help some.
Linagma03
by Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:24 PM

I think that you should just be yourself. Actions speak louder than words and as the kids see that they will slowly stop a lot of the ignoring or subtle rudeness. As far as the Autistic son goes you need to educate yourself about Autism, then about his particular needs because each Autistic child is different in how they act, react, and what their overall needs are. You may find more peace once you know more about ss & his condition.

Mommy4-27-08
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:28 PM
1 mom liked this
I am in a different position in this scenario, as in I would be in the position your bf is in.My ex hatedy now df when we got together. He felt replaced and he was uspet, even though he cheated on me multiple times and that is why we split. I never understood it and while he was never downright rude to my now df, he did a lot of ignoring him and trash talking behind his back and mine. That was almost 3 years ago and they have a much better relationship now. They aren't friends, but they speak to each other and we can all be at the same event. My ex still gets jealous, but it isn't as bad as it used to be.

My now df was always polite and nice. Not over the top nice, but he would say hi and acknowledge his prescence. In the end, my df looked like a better person and it was easier on me because he didn't cause those confrontations.

I would suck it up and be the bigger person and ignore her. Be polite and say hi, but don't respond to any rude comments she makes. Then your teaching the kids that we should treat everyone with respect. Good luck.
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txmom8403
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:32 PM
Quoting 1lv2stks3nlz4ev:

 You have to ignore her. Trust me I understand but reacting to her baiting you will only confirm to the kids what she is saying behind your back. Be sweet with the kids and when she acts that way tell her that you aren't going to engage in negitivity with her for the sake of the kids, and walk away.




I'm trying really hard. She got in my face a couple of months ago. I'm nice to the kids and we get along pretty good. I would love to spend more time with them. The ex flipped out in front of his parents last night. I just sat there and didn't say anything. It scared the kids. I just wish she would stop.
momdoes
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this

Im gonna be the oddball here and say, stand up for yourself! BUT dont do it in front of the kids. Do it in front of your SO tho. Do it tactfully too. Point out her rudeness with examples she has given you but not what you just percieved, actual words she used. Do not argue with her. Point out to her your position that you plan to keep for good, be firm. Trust me, my dh's ex tried years ago to do this shit by emailing dh at work (he has a separate acct for work purposes) she did not think he would print it out and show me! I had actual proof that I showed her I had, told where I stand and where she stands. While we are not BFFs, we do play nice now.

txmom8403
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:36 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting starz1632002:

You are in the same situation as my sister. Her BF has 4 kids with his ex wife, who cheated on him causing the reason for the separation. his ex is bitter because he has moved on. She uses the children as bait to get what she wants. What i have told my sister is even though you want to stand up for yourself, you have to realize that some people just cant move on and feel like when someone new steps in that they are trying to replace them. Just know that you are the bigger person for acting like an adult and as the children grow older they will respect you more for that rather than stooping to the level of their mother. Don't let her get under your skin because when you let her see that it makes her feel like she won. Good luck and keep your head up! :)




Thanks!!! I'm really trying. My bf's mom told me the ex feels like I won. I didn't know it was a competition! She feels like I'm trying to take her children and in laws away. Which is not the case at all. Oh well. I know it will eventually get better.
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