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Need step mother help

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 8:34 PM
  • 6 Replies
I became a step mother last year to a 10 year old girl who adored me at first (when she was 8-9 when we were dating) Then, i moved in and saw things happening around our home like my husband treating her like she's 3, put her to bed with a sippy cup, she would rage into our bedroom unannounced every weekend morning, shower in our bathroom, speak disrespectfully, throw her laundry all over the stairs do Dad would pick it up, get rewarded instead of having consequences for bad behavior, I had to speak up.. At first it was welcomed. He wants us to be a happy family and to me take the role of mother figure. But things got worse between my step daughter and myself. She realized that when I'm around I think it's a good thing to turn off the TV at dinner, chew with your mouth closed, take your plate to the sink, normal stuff, but she didn't like new rules. So she started being cruel to me, first she bit me (no consequence, just a talking to by my husband), she would get angry and chase me trying to hurt me, kicked me in my stomach, she's pinched me leaving a bruise, threw a firecracker on my leg, ect... Still only getting talks no consequence. So I got super angry about no punishment and we see a parent coach. I've learned to stay away now which broke my husbands heart bc his fantasy is one big happy 3 some.. 25% the 3 of us, 75% the two of them. I'm no longer aloud to tell her to do anything, I keep my comments to myself until she's gone from our home. However, she is still extremely rude to me verbally and he hasn't defended me like I think he should. Talks aren't preventing reoccurrence of her treating me like a dog.
If I say one word about her behavior he gets defensive and we fight. I understand he's afraid she won't want to visit anymore if he punishes her, but I can't stand to be treated so disrespectfully! How do I get him to defend me without him getting defensive toward me.
I feel it's going to get worse, esp bc we are trying to conceive.
Thanks for advice!!!
He's been divorced for 9 years and the ex is one of those high conflict types so they don't even speak, only email. She's the rich country club lady w a rich family who feels entitled and above everyone....
by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 8:34 PM
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Replies (1-6):
lucky2Beeme
by Platinum Member on Aug. 21, 2013 at 8:46 PM
2 moms liked this

family counseling and single counseling You all need help.

lovemykids87035
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 8:51 AM
2 moms liked this
I agree with lucky 2bee me but I want to add that you should hold off having another child untill this problem is resolved. The way things are going now you risk having your New baby being mistreated by your step daughter also if things aren't resolved there is a possibility that one or both of you might decide to end the marriage. And trust me you don't want to have any additional children involved in a divorce.
MomoftheGrEmily
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 8:56 AM

I am also a step mother to a 10 year old (although it's a boy)... I've never experienced anything like what you're talking about and I'm very sorry that this is happening.

They only advice I can give, is that you and your spouse need to have a serious conversation. And like the others said.. have a third party there to maybe clarify what you're saying. He probably is listening to you, but doesn't hear you. But like what Lovemykids said... if this doesn't get resolved, your marriage will suffer more than it has already, and thats not fair to any of you.

Good luck!!!

momdoes
by Platinum Member on Aug. 22, 2013 at 9:14 AM

So let me get this straight...you all involved a parenting coach and that coach told you to or taught you to stay away from the situation and it has ended up that things are worse and you are being tossed to the side and your hubby STILL does not enforce rules, implement a punishment or even make this child say she is sorry? WOW. I thought i had it bad. I backed off on my own when it came to my SS, but I still maintained my house for the most part. I seen it get worse with SS tho until two weeks ago, dh got to see it himself. The look of hurt on my husband's face was almost too much to bear, but he needed that wake up from his son to see it all. What should have felt like victory for me, felt more like anger even more towards my SS (he is almost 14) and I let it fly! I straight up told that boy he should be ashamed of himself and I better NEVER see that look on his father's face again! I wont go into details of what happened for this to all go down, but I will say it has changed my dh and for the first time since SS was 4, I feel in my heart we are on the same page now and things should go smoother from here on out. If not and SS bucks more, then I am afraid of what could happen. I told my dh I will not be the one to come between him and his son but his son will come between us with his awful behavior. It boils down to respect for everyone involved. Your dh not defending you is a huge thing I think and if he wont or cant, then I feel it is time to re think the relationship BEFORE you have another child in all this.

ScrChk23
by Amanda on Aug. 22, 2013 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this

I am going to agree here too.  Maybe there is something happening at her mother's house that is causing her to act out at your's.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

family counseling and single counseling You all need help.


MammaPK
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 1:34 PM


I agree with Lucky2bme and momdoes.

I am a fulltime mom and stepmom.  We were both married before and both brought children to the marriage.  I have lots of experience and my children's ages range from 6 to 22.

You can read my profile for more, but, I'll tell you, right now.  This child is young, the BM may be a challenge, dad is struggling and there is too much too cover to truly help you, here.

From the bottom of my heart and without judgement I suggest you:

1) seek a new counselor (or continue with this one and get to the next step)

2) do not bring another child into this family until peace and resolution are present.

Luck and Luv,

PK

Quoting momdoes:

So let me get this straight...you all involved a parenting coach and that coach told you to or taught you to stay away from the situation and it has ended up that things are worse and you are being tossed to the side and your hubby STILL does not enforce rules, implement a punishment or even make this child say she is sorry? WOW. I thought i had it bad. I backed off on my own when it came to my SS, but I still maintained my house for the most part. I seen it get worse with SS tho until two weeks ago, dh got to see it himself. The look of hurt on my husband's face was almost too much to bear, but he needed that wake up from his son to see it all. What should have felt like victory for me, felt more like anger even more towards my SS (he is almost 14) and I let it fly! I straight up told that boy he should be ashamed of himself and I better NEVER see that look on his father's face again! I wont go into details of what happened for this to all go down, but I will say it has changed my dh and for the first time since SS was 4, I feel in my heart we are on the same page now and things should go smoother from here on out. If not and SS bucks more, then I am afraid of what could happen. I told my dh I will not be the one to come between him and his son but his son will come between us with his awful behavior. It boils down to respect for everyone involved. Your dh not defending you is a huge thing I think and if he wont or cant, then I feel it is time to re think the relationship BEFORE you have another child in all this.



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