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The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

 I have a friend  who is a mom  & suffers from  depression.  were close friends online ( not on cafemom she isn't a member) and we  chat on the phone    . she lives in  California & im in NY so we don't see eachother..

 anyway,   here's the situtaion she has 2 kids  a 1 yr dd  & a 7 yr ds &    she confided in me that she's been struggling wither her depression  since her divorce last yr was final. 

 her  ex & her  are on  " ok" terms . he works ft as he always has & the kids stay with her.

 her parents help her out with $ too & babysit at times.

 she  sleeps in in the morning & says her ds manages  ok he  can grab fruit & a drink & if  he really needs her or wakes her  she does get up but mostly this  poor kid is waking up to being alone while she sleeps. he watches tv & plays with his toys nicely & is a pretty smart & good kid.     her dd tends to sleep in a bit and  finally gets up about 9 am but she todl me she rolls over & falls back to sleep w/o even truly realizing it she  is just so tired & blah.. & the baby either just plays in the crib or falls back to sleep for a bit &  she said she usually gets the baby around 10am or so.

 im floored bc MY son  would NEVER let me sleep OMG &  he needs help with everything  but he is different & younger he is 5 ...   she feels super guilty &  gets up gets them both what  they need  feeds the baby changes him throws  a load of laundry in does a few things  then just lays ont he couch wacthing them play &   even drifts into sleep again!!

 she is not on any meds &  I assume being so tired is from depression.

 she doesnt eat much & she does bath them at night & feed  dinner & read them books &  stuff but basically the mornings they both wait around & in the day   she has been mostly  laying around on the couch.

 i told her to get more help or  something but she is scared  she will be seen as unfit or that this is  neglect. i told her not doing  anything would be worse..  but im not sure how bad this really is.. im not there & i only know what she tells me. she is honest with  me & didnt even need to tell me this.. it sounds crappy but im not sure these kids are  " neglected" my mom was menatlly unwell & i also fended for myself as a kid often while she slept the day away but we had plenty to eat, play with & she wasnt abusive..

 idk what  to do & i dont  want to get her in trouble or mad at me. 

 what woudl you do? do you think this is neglect or  bad?

by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:30 PM
Replies (11-18):
trainlady
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:53 PM

I wouldn't call her neglectful but I do believe she is doing herself an injustice. She may have depression and also a chemical lacking in her system. Is she taking daily vitamins? Is she giving the children daily vitamins? My advice would be for her to go to the doctor and explain her situation and ask him/her what she can do to get herself back in line with life. Right now she is wasting away her life and in a few years she is going to wonder what happened and how did she get there. She definitely needs help. I was raised by a mother that slept everyday until about 1 p.m. I had to get myself up and dressed and breakfast and get out of the house at the right time and get on the bus to school. When I was very young and in kindergarten she would wake up and tell me what to do but she didn't get out of bed and even then I had to pack my own lunch and make my own breakfast. She would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning watching tv and sleeping all day. She never went to any school activities or anything like that. Tell you friend that she definitely has a problem and maybe two and should seek help before something bad happens. And tell her she is wasting her life away and she needs to get help her life turned around. Its not going to be easy and its not going to be quick but she needs to get started immediately.  She is cheating herself and her children of wonderful things in life that start getting up in the morning and seeing the sunshine, especially in California, giving her kids a smile and sitting down to the breakfast table together and start their day BTW why is her 7 year old not in school, or pre-school? Give her all the encouragement that you can and help her make a schedule for each day. Start calling her at 8:30 or earlier to wake her up and get her day started. She needs your help.

 

 

 

Mom-does-hair
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 2:01 PM
You said her divorce was final a year ago and she has a 1 year old? Could be ppd as well. She needs some medication and she could do so much better. It's not neglect, but sounds like she needs to see a doc. I'd try to convince her seeking help is not seen as a bad thing!
Imjustinsmommy
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 2:57 PM

yes, he left while she was preg . im not sure its ppd but I think being hormonal & going through what she went through started this all.

Quoting Mom-does-hair:

You said her divorce was final a year ago and she has a 1 year old? Could be ppd as well. She needs some medication and she could do so much better. It's not neglect, but sounds like she needs to see a doc. I'd try to convince her seeking help is not seen as a bad thing!


Imjustinsmommy
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 3:05 PM

idk if  she takes vitamins or her  kids.. im not there so its hard to know the details of her day.  i know she does feed them & cook them dinners & all they do eat..  she cares for them  she just sleeps in alot &  spends most of her time laying around. her dd hasnt started school yet.. this was during the summer for school im sure she;l get her on the bus. when she HAS to get up for appts & stuff ive   known her to do it.. but in the summer she was sleeping in.

 I have told her over & over she needs therapy. that even I go myself for my anxiety & its not bad. but she gets upset &  i dont want her to push me away bc she doenst have  many freinds anymore.

 i will not tell her she is wasting away.. no way.. this woman is depressed & cries & feels aweful  she  knows that  saying that is  just hurtful. im trying to be supportive & tell her she just needs help & help is safe & good. her ex left while she was preg & the divorce was final about a yr ago she;d been alone  & taking care of the baby since & the 7yo too.. i feel bad & idk if id not be depressed too.. i just dont know what else to do but to  be here for her as much as i can.

 i call her  around nap time here ( 12 pm) which is her 9am but she doesnt answer. she calls   me back whens he gets up.

Quoting trainlady:

I wouldn't call her neglectful but I do believe she is doing herself an injustice. She may have depression and also a chemical lacking in her system. Is she taking daily vitamins? Is she giving the children daily vitamins? My advice would be for her to go to the doctor and explain her situation and ask him/her what she can do to get herself back in line with life. Right now she is wasting away her life and in a few years she is going to wonder what happened and how did she get there. She definitely needs help. I was raised by a mother that slept everyday until about 1 p.m. I had to get myself up and dressed and breakfast and get out of the house at the right time and get on the bus to school. When I was very young and in kindergarten she would wake up and tell me what to do but she didn't get out of bed and even then I had to pack my own lunch and make my own breakfast. She would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning watching tv and sleeping all day. She never went to any school activities or anything like that. Tell you friend that she definitely has a problem and maybe two and should seek help before something bad happens. And tell her she is wasting her life away and she needs to get help her life turned around. Its not going to be easy and its not going to be quick but she needs to get started immediately.  She is cheating herself and her children of wonderful things in life that start getting up in the morning and seeing the sunshine, especially in California, giving her kids a smile and sitting down to the breakfast table together and start their day BTW why is her 7 year old not in school, or pre-school? Give her all the encouragement that you can and help her make a schedule for each day. Start calling her at 8:30 or earlier to wake her up and get her day started. She needs your help.





Due9
by your-bff on Aug. 31, 2013 at 3:40 PM

encourage her to get help. I don't think she is doing wrong by her kids just yet, though she could get up when the boy does. But she seems to be on a slippery slope and things could get worse if she doesn't seek help.

cali_gurl
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 3:52 PM

This is not neglect. But your friend does need help. Help is out there, and she won't get in trouble for what she is doing. My mom was depressed when I was a teen, and I was the oldest child so I became mom. My mom needed meds and got on them for years, and she is fine now and has been off meds for years.

Caera
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 4:00 PM

Yes, it's neglect. If she's not up and alert with her children, and they're fending for themselves while she languishes in her bed, she's neglecting them. She, at the very least, should see a doctor and start to try managing her symptoms. They're not going to get better on their own, and what is she going to do when that two year old starts climbing out of her crib? She needs to get help for herself, and quickly, before someone near her gets wind of what's going on and calls DCFS.

sahmw2010
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 4:04 PM
I dont see a problem. Her child is mire than capable to being up alone. By 7 my dd would get up, get her and her brother breakfast, turn on cartoons and entertain him until i woke up. Some morning i was given breakfaat in bed. Yes she needs to see someone, but shes not neglecting the kids
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