Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

What's Up With My Daughters EX??? (PIOG)


My daughter got a great boyfriend at the beginning of this school year.  It seemed to really be going great between them.  Things were very serious and he seemed to totally respect her in every way.

Out of the blue, He broke up with her about a week and a half ago saying he just needed some space for about a month or so but is thinking that he wants to get back together after the month break  (doesn't make sense to me).  Anyway, my daughter was ofcourse very upset for a couple of days but has been working to move on~~~and ofcourse there was a line of boys waiting for her to be available and who are talking to her.  There are a couple who are trying to slowly work in and give her the time she needs but there is one who is pushing more and I can see a lot of sexual undertone in some of what I see from him in his pursuit.  She seems to like the ones who are respecting the time she needs more (which I'm glad of~~~I like those better myself.)

I've gotten off track,  SORRY.  Back to my point.  The ex~boyfriend has not left her alone since he broke up with her.  I've been reading their communications (through messenger.)  The first 2 or 3 days, they were both very sad about the break up and trying to comfort each other through it .  It has They then started arguing for a day.  He was mad about the break up and having a one sided rant about getting back together next month but he just needs some space for a little while.  They 've just talked normal a little bit.  Yesterday, he started messaging her right after lunch giving her permission to date that guy who she was walking towards lunch with.  This is a guy who the ex doesn't like but he knows that the guy likes my daughter.  He told her "just go ahead and date him.  You have my permission.  Then you will see what he is really like."

He has messaged her everyday going through all these different phases of his emotions about the whole break up.  He is the one that broke up with my daughter to begin with.   My daughter is getting on with her life but can't because he keeps messaging her during school about things he has seen at school (mostly involving other guys) and then in the evenings to let his heartache go all over the place in the things he is saying to her. 

What are your thoughts on what is up with him?  He really seemed great until this whole break up.  He is not making any sense now.  Does he want to be with her or not?  Does he not want to be with her but just doesn't want anyone else with her either or what?  Should we be nervous about him now or just dismiss everything?  Our daughter does seem willing to get back together with him if it should come up but is just trying to get along with life now (most of her life now does still include the friends that her and her ex had together).  He seems to feel that they just don't like him much anymore.  She tells him that is because he has changed and just gotten mean all the time~I think she's right.

Anyway, How should we feel about all his actions?  Should we be nervous about him?  Do you think all this is normal?

I would love to hear some insight on him and all this.  THANKS


Stephanie




We are Praying, Playing and Learning Together at

LIVING IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Click my tag to follow me there.

by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:54 AM
Replies (21-30):
stephs5isenough
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:18 AM

That is the main thing that has lead me to finally post asking opinions and advice here today.  This whole thing has been going on for a couple of weeks and I have thought about it as CRAZY.  BUt then the permission thing happened yesterday and that did give me a severe red flag too.  Her reaction was just to get mad because ofcourse he has no right to give her permission since she is no longer in a relationship with him.  But as her mother, it does go a little beyond that for me and did make me feel a little more nervous.  I just didn't know if anyuone else felt that was justified or not.  Apparently you see the same thing soooooooo I think I will discuss that with her.  Thanks.

Quoting terpmama:

I'd have her block him... Let her work out her feelings without his influence. And giving her permission to date/talk to other guys is a red flag for me that I'd be discussing with her.


Stephanie




We are Praying, Playing and Learning Together at

LIVING IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Click my tag to follow me there.

beaularson91
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:18 AM
2 moms liked this
Does you're daughter know you're reading her messages?
catrig
by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:19 AM
1 mom liked this
I would talk with her about how she is being treated and how she deserves to be treated. Ultimately I would let her handle it unless it spirals completely out of control.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jennierenna
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:25 AM

 I just watched a Dateline or 60 minutes thing about this high school couple dating for 3 years then a month after they broke up the boy murdered the girl. There was never any physical violence or anything to suggest he was unstable. They called it break up violence. Do you not see a red flag with the permission thing? Come on, he gives her permission to date someone else?! Um, no.....

stephs5isenough
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:28 AM

Thanks.

What's crazier is that he even told her 'to date' stating that "I know the two of you like each other so just go ahead and date him so you can see what he is really like."

My daughter does not even like that guy he told her to date for more than a friend and ofcourse she does not want her ex to tell her who to date.  And if anything, the ex is the one who is really starting to show his true colors.  But I kind of saw that as attempting to control her too and that scares me a little bit~especially with some things you see on the news.  I don't like that and I want to be sure she is okay.

I appreciate your response.  It backs up my feelings/concerns.

Quoting TheSilence:

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.
He wants to be single but still in control of her. By 'giving her permission' to date other boys he is attempting to control her.
Btw, I am glad you and your daughter can discuss this. I hated that I couldn't speak to my mom about my high school drama.

I hope your daughter starts to see through him and can move on.


Stephanie




We are Praying, Playing and Learning Together at

LIVING IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Click my tag to follow me there.

JocelynMoods
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:29 AM
1 mom liked this

If I were her, I would ignore his communications. He broke up with her for space and he certainly isn't giving himself any. I would need to think about his actions before getting back with him. Maybe he wanted to mess around with someone else and he's trying to give her permission to mess around with the other guy so he doesn't feel so guilty about what he's doing.

Kellileanne
by Platinum Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I would be concerned. I would make it clear to her that she needs to tell him if he needs space to take it and stop watching and messaging her.
stephs5isenough
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Yes she does.  I don't often but since the break up and the fact that this guy still doesn't leave her alone, I feel like I need to stay on top of it until he either chills out or goes away.

But 'YES'.  She is very aware.

Quoting beaularson91:

Does you're daughter know you're reading her messages?


Stephanie




We are Praying, Playing and Learning Together at

LIVING IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Click my tag to follow me there.

stephs5isenough
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Yes.  I see a definite red flag with the permission thing.  That was the real reason for my post today.  And now, you have even heightened my feelings.

Did/Do you have any thoughts on ways to handle it?

Quoting jennierenna:

 I just watched a Dateline or 60 minutes thing about this high school couple dating for 3 years then a month after they broke up the boy murdered the girl. There was never any physical violence or anything to suggest he was unstable. They called it break up violence. Do you not see a red flag with the permission thing? Come on, he gives her permission to date someone else?! Um, no.....


Stephanie




We are Praying, Playing and Learning Together at

LIVING IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Click my tag to follow me there.

TheSilence
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this
You're being a good mom! Just keep being there for your dd and she will come through this and may learn from it too!


Quoting stephs5isenough:

Thanks.

What's crazier is that he even told her 'to date' stating that "I know the two of you like each other so just go ahead and date him so you can see what he is really like."

My daughter does not even like that guy he told her to date for more than a friend and ofcourse she does not want her ex to tell her who to date.  And if anything, the ex is the one who is really starting to show his true colors.  But I kind of saw that as attempting to control her too and that scares me a little bit~especially with some things you see on the news.  I don't like that and I want to be sure she is okay.

I appreciate your response.  It backs up my feelings/concerns.

Quoting TheSilence:

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.

He wants to be single but still in control of her. By 'giving her permission' to date other boys he is attempting to control her.

Btw, I am glad you and your daughter can discuss this. I hated that I couldn't speak to my mom about my high school drama.



I hope your daughter starts to see through him and can move on.



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)