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Loving Your Second Child as Much as Your First: Is It Possible?

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:45 AM
  • 12 Replies

Loving Your Second Child as Much as Your First: Is It Possible?

by Lisa Fogarty

When actress Busy Philipps recently commented about how she was unsure she could love her second baby as much as her first, it really hit home. As much as I hate admitting it, my husband and I often talk about how impossible we think it will be to feel the same attachment for our unborn baby as we do for our two-year-old daughter. I mean, we know our little girl really well by now. And she's awesome, most of the time. But who's to say our second baby will be just as wonderful? What if he's...well, what if he ends up being kind of a jerk? 

At times I wonder if we would even be concerned about this if our firstborn had more of an attitude or, I don't know, a thing she did that was just unbearable. But she began sleeping through the night at three months. She's always happy -- a fact that eludes every single person who has ever met her parents -- both of whom had horrifying goth phases that lasted way beyond the teen years. She eats almost everything you put in front of her and has been sick, like, three times in her life.

Sure, she has tantrums that make you question what a horrible parent you really must be, and she likes to jump off high pieces of furniture. So it's not all fun and games. But when I see what other children are capable of -- the way some refuse to nap or sleep through the night for years -- I start to get really worried. We are destined to have a child who is inherently moody and unforgiving. It's bound to happen -- it's just a question of when. 

And when it does, I'm scared to death I will constantly compare him to my daughter. That I will clutch to the feelings I have for her and use them as a yardstick for how much I love my new baby. 

And, of course, I also know the odds are against this happening. They say your love doesn't divide when you have more children, it multiplies. I'll see all of my new baby's positive qualities, just like I see those in my daughter, and his negative qualities won't cause me to subtract love from whatever bank of love I imagine exists within me. 

But I'd be lying if I said the thought of how a mom loves a second child as much as the one she already knows inside and out didn't cross my mind from time to time. 

Did/do you fear you couldn't/can't love your second child as much as your first?

by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
RheaF
by Sweet Insanity on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:49 AM

 Yes, I had that fear. However, once my second came along I realized how wrong I was. I love both kids with everything I have.

momdoes
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:50 AM

Yes, I would love a second child as much as my first but it would be a different kind of love I think. With my first, I am full of doubt. Am I feeding right? Am I clothing right? Am I steering this child in the direction I want them to be? With a second child, you have those questions somewhat answered.......you are more sure of yourself as a parent and confidant that the second child will succeed. BUT at the same time, there is more expectation with a second child and a harder let down when things dont go the way you want.

CrossStitchMum
by Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:51 AM
My DH worried about this but I never did and now we both love every one of ours kids equally :)
angelachristine
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:52 AM

I love both my kids equally but I have a closer relationship with my youngest and dh is closer with our oldest. 

1FiestyFem
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:53 AM
What about a third?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DoloresMariana
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 9:51 AM
Ive actually seen this first hand the mothers didnt love them the same she actually treated them very different the mother and the first born would actully look at the younger child with disgust they would treat him like crap
ditsyjo
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 11:45 PM

I love all my kids equally but I do not love them the same... they have different needs... different likes different personallities, but they are all beautiful children.

IncognitoOne
by Angela-Marie on Nov. 14, 2013 at 7:33 AM

I never had that fear....probably because I always wanted several kids...lol.

smgremminger
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 7:48 AM
I love my kids equally
MaineMammax2
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 7:58 AM
When my first was my only I loved her to the point where I was worried I loved her too much! I wanted a second to help spread that love out. I wondered if I would love them the same. I wanted to know if it was possible to feel the same way twice. When we had our second daughter my questions were answered. Although I love my daughters equally I love them in totally different ways(if that makes sense) I do not favor one over the other but love their differences.
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