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Looking for support on what seems like a very lonely road

Posted by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:47 PM
  • 21 Replies

I'm brand new to the whole step-parenting thing.  I grew up with an awesome stepdad and I hope to be just as good at this as he is.  

My household consists of me, my boyfriend, Alan, and his 7 yr old son, Richard.  We've been living together since March.  At first, Richard was very warm and welcoming.  But then his mother started messing with his poor little head.  Since summer it's been a roller coaster.

Richard's mom is a borderline personality.  She has no ability to assess her environment or how her actions impact others.  Therefore, she is constantly saying or dealing with things in front of Richard that affect him deeply.  She has a long history of stealing, manipulating and lying in order to get what she think she needs.  This week I have finally had enough of her games and verbalized my frustrations with her.  Now I'm scared that I have made a bigger mess for Alan and Richard.  I would love to have the power to say that she can no longer be a part of Richard's life, but that's not my call to make.

I'm on this site looking for advice and support from other women in a similar situation.  Thank you all for sharing and I look forward to making some good connections. 

by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Rodie
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this

 Good Luck!

My step daughter is a sophmore in college now so the days of crazy "baby momma" drama are over!

rebecca949
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 1:21 AM
2 moms liked this

I can't say I've been there, but I know what borderline personalities are like, so my heart goes out to you and your family (and especially Richard, poor little guy).  That sounds like a really frustrating place to be, but you sound like a sensible woman with inner wisdom.  Trust yourself.  Sometimes what you think was a screw-up (like verbalizing frustrations) is an eye-opener or a relief for someone else who didn't have the courage to say it themselves.



LauraJean1950
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 1:46 AM

I can't wait for those days!  I just hope Richard is well-adjusted and happy with his life when that day does come.  Thank you!  My mantra has become, this is just temporary.  ;)


Quoting Rodie:

 Good Luck!

My step daughter is a sophmore in college now so the days of crazy "baby momma" drama are over!



Avarah
by Bronze Member on Nov. 25, 2013 at 1:52 AM

I feel your pain.  I'm about uh...huh. 7 years into the joy of stepmotherhood.  It's better now that Mommy finally found a new victim husband and had a couple more kids to keep her busy.  

Before she finally landed a new one she had way too much time on her hands to make us crazy.  Now she's basically boiled down to the usual - drop a quarter and watch her snuffle the dirt like a truffle pig.   Seriously, I PAINTED my kitchen and she took us to court for a pay raise because we're "remodelling" our house.  

There are some guidelines that are pretty standard when dealing with high conflict crazy bitches, though. Does your boyfriend have your back or is he enmeshed in the game playing?

LauraJean1950
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 1:58 AM

Thank you so much for your encouragement!  I just want a strong, healthy relationship with Richard.  I want him to know how much I love him and I will support him no matter what.  Most of all, I want to disprove everything that she says about me to him or around him.  And I don't know if it was an eye-opener, but so far, it has stopped her from asking us for money.  ;)

Quoting rebecca949:

I can't say I've been there, but I know what borderline personalities are like, so my heart goes out to you and your family (and especially Richard, poor little guy).  That sounds like a really frustrating place to be, but you sound like a sensible woman with inner wisdom.  Trust yourself.  Sometimes what you think was a screw-up (like verbalizing frustrations) is an eye-opener or a relief for someone else who didn't have the courage to say it themselves.





korra2013
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 2:00 AM
you are either going to get down on her level or rise above it. being a step mom is a hard enough job in itself. My husband is very supportive and was always in my side, though we had our issues. His ex is doing what most of them do which is start crap and she won't stop especially if it's bothering you. You said what you had to say to her, move on and don't discuss it any further. Do not allow her anywhere near your home. She can visit and pick up her son at another location. if she calls do not answer give the phone to your step son. You will keep going through drama if you allow it. As far as your step son show him with your actions what kind of person you are and never bad mouth his mom. do however correct any "misinformation" he may have been given.
Tasha911471
by Member on Nov. 25, 2013 at 2:01 AM

Good luck 

LauraJean1950
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 2:06 AM

Quoting Avarah:

I feel your pain.  I'm about uh...huh. 7 years into the joy of stepmotherhood.  It's better now that Mommy finally found a new victim husband and had a couple more kids to keep her busy.  

Before she finally landed a new one she had way too much time on her hands to make us crazy.  Now she's basically boiled down to the usual - drop a quarter and watch her snuffle the dirt like a truffle pig.   Seriously, I PAINTED my kitchen and she took us to court for a pay raise because we're "remodelling" our house.  

There are some guidelines that are pretty standard when dealing with high conflict crazy bitches, though. Does your boyfriend have your back or is he enmeshed in the game playing?


Oh he totally has my back, but he is very passive where I am not. He has taken her abuse for so long now that he can zone her out. I'm new to all of this and she instantly gets under my skin. I got so upset with myself when I finally called her out on her shit. I don't like that she got my goat, but as a dear friend said to me, "Well I guess she now knows your goat bites." lol! I hope she is able to stay in check from here on out, but I don't think this will be the last time I will be calling her on her shit.
Avarah
by Bronze Member on Nov. 25, 2013 at 2:39 AM
2 moms liked this

Nah, probably not, but it's not a fight you can "win".   The only winning is being left alone! :)

Crazy people are crazy. Never lose sight of that.  BPD is especially fun because there's no logic, no reason. Just a constant rewrite of history to support whatever crazy notion is in her head at that moment. 

What you and your bf can do is go low-to-no contact and live your lives as separate from her as possible.  

One thing you may end up having to accept is that you can't save a kid from a crazy mother. If she's bound and determined to shoot the hostage, she will.  The courts will do nothing.  CPS doesn't give a damn. EVERYONE around you will say, "Oh, the poor mommy! You should give her more money, then she'll be fine!"  If they don't live it, they don't get it.

strwbrytigger80
by on Nov. 25, 2013 at 3:12 AM
2 moms liked this
Sorry to hear that:( I had that happen to me and eventually we split. My husband now is stepdad to my 5 other kids...and dad to 2 we have together. The parents have to become the adult in order for things to work. My ex and I get along great and my husband gets along with him too. We even spend holidays together so that our daughter gets to be with everyone who loves her. My ex even takes my current husband's daughter for sleepovers with her sister. We just learned to get along for the sake of our kids. I even get along with the mothers of my ex's kids (he was married twice) you may need to sit down and really have a heart to heart with her and explain that you aren't trying to take her place and wish that you could get along with her. You might just be nice and be the bigger person. I'm glad I have the relationship I do because our daughter could have been really messed up but she isn't...she is a straight a student that attends gymnastics and dance.
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