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Advise needed to motivate a lazy teen

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 11:24 PM
  • 9 Replies
So I have a 14 year old daughter that is very smart, kind,and loving. She helps out with her 6 year old sister babysitting and picking her up from school. She is a good girl that is involved with the church and attends a girls bible study weekly. But she is very lazy when it comes to her school work. When she puts in effort she will have a A or B. but too often she does not do her class work, homework, or study. She frequently has zeros and D's and F's are acceptable to her. I have begged, cried, pleaded, offered help and have provided all tools necessary but there is never any improvement. I have offered money, vacations, you name it and it does not motivate her. I have taken away phones, tv, computer, for months and it does not phase her. We took away birthday and Christmas presents last year, offered everything she wanted this year as long as she does good in school but it doesn't work. I feel so hurt, angry, and disappointed that it takes away from everything fun I want to do for her and give her. I don't know how to change this, any advise would be appreciated!
by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 11:24 PM
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Replies (1-9):
jconney80
by Gold Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 11:49 PM
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Hi welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Have you ever had her tested for a learning disability like dyslexia or dyscalculia (math version of dyslexia). My daughter *can* get good grades in school when she tries really hard but it's really hard for her to actually try that hard because she has some learning issues. 

theloudhouse
by Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this
Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she likes a guy and he doesn't like "brainy" girls or she wants to get away from the churchy good girl image at school.

Or as PP suggests maybe it's a learning disability. Something is going on for her to give up privelages and take extreme consequences so easily. If she won't talk to you, is there an older teen at church that she would confide in?
ThisMomDontKnow
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 12:30 AM
I have not had her tested for any disabilities. I do sit with her and help her do her work and it is clear she understands it. Her teachers say she is very bright but tends to spend too much time socializing. She would rather spend her time at home hanging out with the family rather than doing school work. I am trying not to micro parent her and trust her to be responsible but if I am not in her daily she will slack. Not only do her grades suffer, I feel the whole family has to endure the punishment because we don't go on the outing planned etc. it is not fair. She enjoys going to church and wants to be involved there, I don't pressure her into anything. I would allow her to do so much more if she did better in school. I feel that she doesn't know what she is missing out on because she really hasn't experienced it yet and she is just of age to start letting her do more.
taKENheart
by Flovely on Dec. 2, 2013 at 12:45 AM
1 mom liked this

 I can totally relate to the hurt, anger and disappointment.  I don't relate on the lazy teen part but I do have a kid that doesn't want to go to college.  I don't know what to do with them.  I wish you luck and that you get good advice.  I wish I had the advice that you need.  I thought I did a good job as a mother but now I am so sad in the end.  You still have time!  You can still turn this around and I hope that you can find the answer!!!

ThisMomDontKnow
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 1:03 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you taKENheart. My husband and I raised his three younger siblings and we had one if them not want to go to collage either. She ended up going to beauty school and started working and realized that if she wants to make more money and have a stable career in a successful field she will have to go to college. Your child probably just wants to make his or her own decisions and not be told/ guided. It is part of their independence. Stay persistent but not forceful and he or she will soon understand. Best if luck to you as well <3
taKENheart
by Flovely on Dec. 2, 2013 at 1:08 AM

 I think I held on too tight because I didn't want her making my same mistakes.  Sometimes when you hold on too tight you lose them.  I am dealing with that now.
I have a friend that you need to talk to.  She went through what you are going through.  I will ask her to message you.  She is amazing and a beautiful person.  I know she can give some advice that will be most helpful!

Quoting ThisMomDontKnow:

Thank you taKENheart. My husband and I raised his three younger siblings and we had one if them not want to go to collage either. She ended up going to beauty school and started working and realized that if she wants to make more money and have a stable career in a successful field she will have to go to college. Your child probably just wants to make his or her own decisions and not be told/ guided. It is part of their independence. Stay persistent but not forceful and he or she will soon understand. Best if luck to you as well <3

 

RoseWall
by Platinum Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 1:21 AM

i can relate to this.

bump

trainlady
by Bronze Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 1:35 PM
2 moms liked this
There is another underlying problem here. Possibly she has great difficulty concentrating on homework. Maybe she is dislexic and you don't know it. There has to be something that is stopping her from digging into academics. Bribing her or punishing her doesn't work as you have found out, so go another route and get her counseling to find out what is stopping her. Then you and her and the counselor can work on the problem and get it resolved. This, to me, is a psycological problem and all the things you are doing to her is not working and will not work and you will be driving her further and further away from your intended goal. Get her some help with a counselor. Start with the school and ask them for counseling and if that doesn't work go outside and find your own child counselor. She sounds like a very bright and lovely girl and has all the right attitudes, so something else is stopping her and its not just being stubborn. She needs help and quickly. Good Luck
ThisMomDontKnow
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 11:55 PM
I think counseling might be beneficial. I don't think she has a learning disability but I could be wrong. I will talk with her school to see how I can go about getting her tested.

Thank you all for your feedback and support. This is my first chat group, I needed advise and did not know where to turn without embarrassing my child.
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