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How to accept BM?

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:29 PM
  • 16 Replies
I have 6 kids. 3 I gave birth to and 3 I was blessed with through marriage all ranging from age 10 to 17. They have all lived with my husband and I since we married. See..the thing is in my situation is that BM was in and out in the beginning and then went MIA for 5 years (really 7 but she saw them three Times and we had to put supervised visits due to things that happened during the last visit). She was an addict and is now clean. (No tests yet but by her appearance and attitude she seems to be.) I have SO MANY reasons to hate her and so many reasons not to trust her. The kids have been in therapy due to the depression and abandonment. It has been a long road. Things were starting to look up and Well now she is back. One kid even cried to me when she found out she had to see her BM and said she couldn't deal with being left again. The court has her taking baby steps to reintroduce herself to the kids. I want to have a civil relationship with her, which we are civil but in my head I feel like I just want to lose it every time I have to deal with her of course I don't. So I guess my problem is in my heart I am their mom and she is the "intruder" or maybe the SM. We are civil but I guess I just hate that I have to share my kids now. How can I just accept that she is back? The kids seem to be doing better at it than me. None of us trust her yet and all of us have our guard up but I have to be the role model and let them know it's ok but how can I convince myself that it will be?
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I wonder if you can forgive her for the mistakes she has made for your piece of calm in heart if the children would follow suit.  It is smart to be wary and she does , imo, need to earn any trust or respect back from everyone.  Of course you know to keep the children in their ongoing therapy sessions.

How old is the child that got upset about the starting up of visits?  At this point the adult female would be more like a friend of family rather than a mother figure.

Kimmy307
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:39 PM
My daughter who said that is 15.
143myboys9496
by Gold Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:49 PM
1 mom liked this

All you can do is forgive her and accept that change has currently happened. Trusting that things have changed will take time and BM's actions. 

Understand also, that whatever she was addicted to was doing her thinking, acting, behaving for her. Only time will tell.

Since no one is trusting her, all you can do is be a pro-ponent of the 'wait and see' attitude and to give her a 2nd chance. You could try telling the kids that if they screwed up wouldn't they want one? 

BM also needs to understand that the kids, you and your dh, will need time and proof of her actions to trust her again. 

I hope the best for you all.

Kimmy307
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 11:04 PM
I do believe in second and third chances but 10,11,or 12....anyone else, I would never give them the time of day ever again. How do I change my whole way of thinking about chances for her? I thing you're right...it's just a wait and see or maybe time will tell kind of situation. Wish me luck! I will continue to be nice and go with he flow.
jconney80
by Gold Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 11:30 PM
I think everyone else said what I was thinking. I think even if you can forgive her it isn't something you should expect her to do overnight so you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. At this point her kids are older. It's not going to be the same relationship it would be as if they grew up with only her. I imagine it will be awkward for then as well and you should just all take this slow. I hope things go well for you

Quoting Kimmy307: I do believe in second and third chances but 10,11,or 12....anyone else, I would never give them the time of day ever again. How do I change my whole way of thinking about chances for her? I thing you're right...it's just a wait and see or maybe time will tell kind of situation. Wish me luck! I will continue to be nice and go with he flow.
Momluv269
by Bronze Member on Dec. 10, 2013 at 2:03 AM

Have you joined the Step-Parent groups here at Cafemom? Lots of moms who have experience and advice to share may give you some comfort.

Kimmy307
by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 2:23 PM
I just started this cafe mom. Will look for step parent places. Thanks!
Cafe AmyS
by Head Admin on Dec. 11, 2013 at 10:19 AM

Welcome! 

You may also want to check out the Stepmom Central group here at CafeMom.  The members there may have some helpful advice for you there.  :)

Quoting Kimmy307: I just started this cafe mom. Will look for step parent places. Thanks!


mommas13
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 7:09 AM
The abandonment issues will never end just seeing her will make the pain in there heart always stay open I still deal with that on a daily basis, I still have trust/abandonment issues and always will its been almost 5 years and it hasn't gotten any easier good luck

Quoting frndlyfn:

I wonder if you can forgive her for the mistakes she has made for your piece of calm in heart if the children would follow suit.  It is smart to be wary and she does , imo, need to earn any trust or respect back from everyone.  Of course you know to keep the children in their ongoing therapy sessions.

How old is the child that got upset about the starting up of visits?  At this point the adult female would be more like a friend of family rather than a mother figure.

Kimmy307
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:13 AM
Thanks ladies. She is making it difficult to stay nice these days. I'm trying but sometimes I have to talk to her like she is a teenager herself.
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